Have I ever told the story about the man on the train? It’s one of my favorite parables (for lack of a better word) that was told to me in rehab.
A man wakes up in the morning, eats his breakfast, kisses his wife and heads out the door to work. He’s walking to the train station when he passes two people who seem to be engaged in a deep conversation. The man nods to say hello, but the gesture is not returned. “What assholes” he thinks to himself.
He arrives at his train to realize he forgot his wallet and cannot pay the fare. He asks the ticket agent for a break. Because she has seen the man every day for 2 years she lets him slide, but gives him a warning not to do it again. Under his breath the man mutters “you asshole”.
Once aboard the train the man meets many more people he thinks are assholes. When he gets to work his boss is an asshole. The FedEx guy is an asshole. Assholes everyone the man thinks.
That night the man is sitting at the bar with his only friend describing his asshole filled day.
The friend replies that his day was identical, minus all the assholes.
The man replied well if it was identical where were all the assholes.
The friend finished “well if I walk around all day and all I run in to are assholes, it probably means I’m the asshole”.
This past 2 weeks is probably the closest I’ve come to picking up in almost 2 years. I never had the thought of picking up cross my mind, but I could have allowed myself to form a resentment. Many people would say it is a justifiable resentment, but there is no such thing in my opinion. Instead, I practiced acceptance, and forgiveness. I’ve been praying multiple times a day, meditating and practicing steps 10-12.
I no longer wish to divulge many personal details about my life on this site, but rest assured that what I am currently experiencing is quite trying.
I say all this to reiterate a point I’ve made many times. There’s never any reason to pick up. In fact, if you follow the steps I’ve been doing above you can survive anything without a drink.
Glad you didn’t pick up. Way to go. sometimes I admire you guys with all those days and years and think the monkey is off your back. I do imagine there are times you all struggle probably as much as us new comers, maybe more. I don’t know. I reckon it’s always a battle. I do like your thinking that there is never a good reason to pick up. I been doing pretty good but I still worry about the “fuck it” train showing up some day. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. One day at a time.
My sponsor summed it up pretty well for me last night. I will attempt to paraphrase.
First year growth is easy because there’s a lot of room to grow and get better. Simply by not drinking and drugging your life will get markedly better. However, as you go on that level of growth cannot be sustained. That’s why the steps are so important. Each year I stay sober I have to work harder to grow. And recovery always needs some level of growth because if I become stagnant than I am already slipping backwards. Addiction does not stop when I got sober. It continues to pursue me and if I stop it will catch me. Something that would have killed me 2.5 years ago can be used as an opportunity to grow now. The stakes become much higher the more sober I become, but so do the rewards if I’m willing to work for them.
Ya I thought I was doing pretty good then the other night in Destination Joy by Earnie Larsen I read there were like three stages . I got the abstinence down pretty good now. I guess the second stage is the dealing with feelings. And I don’t even remember the 3rd stage. One stage at a time eh? Sometimes I feel it’s just going too smooth for me. I guess I should just enjoy it. I’m worth it.
it’s tough to keep growing in a single area, as the increments keep getting smaller. However, I’d venture you are growing in other areas, that you haven’t noticed.
This is why I seek to constantly challenge myself, physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. I figure as long as I am growing in one of these areas, I’m still alive.
I spent the first 4 months of my sobriety living in a trap house because I was homeless. The people I lived with drank and shot dope. Drug dealers were in and out all day. I had no access to laundry. Had no food. The shower was so dirty you couldn’t use. It was a tiny place and had 5 cats and a dog. Honestly, I could have gotten high anytime I wanted to. It’s not like I had anything else going. But I didn’t. I stayed sober.
If you are interested in staying sober I can tell you how I did it.
Using an analogy from the plant world, sobriety is an annual, not a perennial. So we have to keep growing that same flower. But it is easier to do if there are other parts of the garden we are working. Recovery, for me, is a spiritual journey. So any spiritual work, yoga or running or open water swimming included, is sobriety work.
In recent days I’ve found that I’ve either had to remove myself or been removed from a few Facebook groups I was in for sobriety because so many people are relapsing.
They aren’t all people who are new in sobriety. Some of these people are 18 months-5 years sober before they pick up again.
When I asked them what they were doing to stay sober none had a plan. One honestly said she only drank because it was there and everyone else was doing it. No one asked her to drink because they all knew she was sober she just did it because it was there.
They all had so many excuses to drink but not one could think of any to not drink when I asked.
Some of the others in the groups were condoning it saying how relapse happens to the best of us. How if you only had one night of drinking but didn’t get drunk you didn’t need to reset your counter because you learned their lesson.
One woman went as far as saying I drank because everyone around me drinks so I have to drink.
They didn’t like me much when I told them that you can have every excuse in the world to drink but you need to find your reason not to before you will actually stick to being sober for good. They also don’t like when you tell them that relapse most definitely is not a part of sobriety of you are working on sobriety and not just not using your drug of choice anymore.
They told me there wasn’t a difference
Oh there is a huge difference. You can quit getting drink and high all you want I did it for many years for days at a time but until I started working on a sobriety plan I kept going back.
You guys know me. I’ve gone through some shit as most have I have plenty of excuses to drink. Hell I even have the means to do it with a whole cupboard of liquor above my fridge for Ben’s family gatherings. But you know what, I have more reasons not to drink now that I have put my plan of sobriety into place. I know what I need to do to stay sober.
I work on myself daily, I know that I can’t romanticize the thought of drinking or I could go back to the way I was before and I swore I would never be that girl again.
Beautiful post. Just what I needed to read today.
Every day be aware of the reasons not to pick up.
How did you built your plan? and start to embody the reasons not to while releasing the excuses to do so?
One thing I value about the rooms rather than looking only to friends and family for support and advice: In recovery circles, they’re more likely to call me on my BS rather than just the warm fuzzy support all the time.
I am a master of self deception. I’ve only done better admitting I could use some… measured, constructive criticism?
sometimes I admire you guys with all those days and years and think the monkey is off your back. I do imagine there are times you all struggle probably as much as us new comers, maybe more. I don’t know. I reckon it’s always a battle. I do like your thinking that there is never a good reason to pick up. I been doing pretty good but I still worry about the “fuck it” train showing up some day. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. One day at a time.
. I got the abstinence down pretty good now. I guess the second stage is the dealing with feelings. And I don’t even remember the 3rd stage. One stage at a time eh? Sometimes I feel it’s just going too smooth for me. I guess I should just enjoy it. I’m worth it.
