Trying sobriety again, but it's incredibly difficult

Day one. I’m laying in bed, nursing a hangover, and experiencing the joys of alcohol withdrawal. Night sweats, anxiety, nightmares, heart pain, nausea, slight tremors and, of course, depression.

The past year and a half has been the worst chapter of my life. It started when my step-father killed himself. He blew his brains out while in my mother’s bed. I had to be the one to clean his brains off the carpet. Fortunately, my mother wasn’t there when it happened, but it she was the one to find him. I had no love for this man, he was cruel to me my entire life, so I can’t say I miss him.

I have had a drinking problem for years, but it got much worse after this. My fiance left me because of it. She was the one good thing in my life, and I have only myself to blame. In retrospect, it was never going to work out. We were incompatible.

After she left, I tried to kill myself. I thought about shooting myself, but I couldn’t do that to my mom, especially not with the gun I inherented from my step-father. So instead I decided drinking myself to death would be the way. I almost succeeded. I called my jobs and told them I wouldn’t be able to work for a while, and proceeded to drink three handles of vodka over a six day period. I have never been so sick. Seizures, jaundice and delirium tremens are not great. The hallucinations were disturbing. It was hell. I should have go to the hospital.

Well, the weeks went by and I became more and more depressed. The break-up was good, as far as these things go. We texted for a while, sharing photos of our time together, expressing that we still care about eachother, and that we just weren’t meant to be. And then we said goodbye. She was my best friend, and I miss her every day.

Needless to say, my drinking got worse. I nearly lost both of my jobs for drinking at work. Living in the house where there were so many happy memories was torture. Everything reminded me of her. I had to leave.

My mother suggested I move with her to Michigan, and I did. I’ve been here for a few months and I regret it immensely. The people here are vacuous jackasses. They’re crude, vulgar drug addicts who don’t read, and have nothing to say beyond work and gossip.

I got a job loading trucks. It’s not bad, the pay is decent and I listen to books on tape all day. If it weren’t for that, I would have lost my mind. My coworkers talk about the dumbest shit, and play the worst God damn music. One coworker plays the same station every day. If I have to hear Achy Breaky Heart one more time I might crush her speaker.

I’ve been trying to make friends, but it’s been difficult to find anyone who isn’t a complete moron. I’m personable, intelligent, and at times, funny. But these people show no interest in me whatsoever. And I’m not interested in them either, so some days I go without speaking to anyone.

I finally admitted to my mother that I have a drinking problem, hoping for support. She was livid. Instead of compassion, I was chastised, and she said she would not live with a drunk. I promised to get better, but that was a lie. It would seem alcohol has rendered my word worthless.

So I don’t seek support from her. I avoid her now. Sometimes I don’t leave my room. Fortunately she respects my privacy, so that’s nice. But I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I have no one to talk to.

I’m ready to start dating, but it’s hard when your 34 and live in your mother’s basement. What’s more, there isn’t anywhere to meet people here other than a bar or church. So when I do go out, it’s either to the library or the movie theater. Neither place is great for talking to people. I like this girl who works at the library, but it’s been slow going. I feel like I’m talking at her, rather than with her. I ask her questions about herself, she answers, and that’s it. I don’t know if it’s because she’s shy, or just isn’t interested. Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea, right? But the fish here are mostly fat, drug addicted hillbillies.

So I read, and that’s about it. I’d go hiking or mountain biking, but it rains every day up here. Regardless, I don’t have the strength to do anything physical as my job is extremely rigorous. Add a crippling alcohol addiction and I’m left completely spent every day.

They say a heavy drinker is someone who consumes over 15 drinks a week. I have stretches where I consume 15 drinks A DAY. I am in constant pain, but when I try to stop, the withdrawals are awful. I don’t sleep. I sweat like crazy. I have nightmares. I am constantly anxious. I’m so lonely.

The world is bleak. I read far too much news. I have no direction in life. I plan to enroll into college this year, if only to meet people who aren’t complete idiots.

I’m ashamed of myself. I feel so lost.

Well, that’s it. Best of luck to everyone and there attempts to sobriety. It’s a bitch.


Hi Jack, welcome to Talking Sober :wave: :innocent:

Sounds like it’s been rough for you recently. Addiction steals everything from us. As an alcoholic, eventually, everything disappears - trust, relationships, jobs - and all you have left is the alcohol.

No, you’re not.

You have a lot to learn about yourself and about other people before you will have something to offer in a mutually beneficial dating relationship with another human being. You are an alcoholic who woke up today with a pounding hangover. You can’t even take care of yourself - you haven’t learned how to live without alcohol - how are you going to take care of a relationship with someone else? Your relationship with alcohol will always come first, until you learn to be sober. You aren’t ready to date.

It is possible to be sober, but you need to start by working on yourself. There are groups you can join, books you can read, programs you can work:

Resources for our recovery

It will take time, always one day at a time.


Jack first things first my boy.I say this with the upmost respect.This question was asked to me when I first thought about getting sober and thought I was ready to start dating.What if your sister or daughter brought someone,in your current condition,just like you home???Or what if your mother was like son i have been seeing someone and i want you to meet him and when you do the guy is locked in his mothers basement going through it unable to come out because his last drink was the drink that drank him???If I was in your situation dating would be the last thing on my to do list.The first would be checking into a detox long enough to get medically cleared.Alcohol withdrawal could be fatal.Next I would consider transitioning into an inpatient treatment center where I could learn in a safe understanding environment how to live life on lifes terms and develope some coping skills that does not involve a bottle.By taking this route I would be able to see that the world,even with its horrors,
is a beautiful place worth experiencing and that I am not alone in this struggle but that is me you are you and you can do what you want.I mean I am an idiot that had his head so far up his own ass that i couldnt see past my elbows but somehow I was wise enough to get out my own way.If a complete dumbass such as myself can manage to get 17months sober then someone with your advanced intellect should have no problem getting 24hours.


Wise words. I think this could be an example of humility. .

Welcome. :blush:
It sounds like you have been through a truly devastating time. It takes guts to try and change the only coping mechanisms we have known.

Are you still drinking those amounts now? I agree getting professional advice would be best.
After that, have you tried going to meetings in your area? AA, or Dharma recovery, or whatever? The great or terrible thing about addiction is that it is a great leveller. College graduate, blue collar worker, rich, poor, addiction makes us feel the same things and we can learn from each other.
And sorry, I’ll third it is too early for dating. Recovery in the early days requires a lot of energy and time. Also you learn so much about yourself and change that who you are and who you want to be with might be totally different.


I get that it’s hard to meet knew people especially if there’s a lot of morons in town. Finding friends is important to be happy sober. But to be successful in meeting new people it’s smarter to firstly actually get sober. Same with dating, it’s not really that important at the moment, getting sober and staying sober should be the first priority.

I hope you’re able to get into addiction counseling, therapy, rehab or meetings as talking to professionals is often a big help!


Wishing you well dude.

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@Jack3 I read the whole thing. Almost I have no words. Only to offer my support here and friendship

It’s not slow going, it’s not going. You’re harassing her at her work place where she has no where to go and she’s too polite to speak up. Let her be.

Welcome to the forum. There’s a lot of good ppl here you can get to know and be friends w. Some of them aren’t even very stupid, you’ll have to ask around. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Some of my fav threads Resources for our recovery

Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)


Clasp your hands together, get on your knees, bow your head and let it all out to God. Every single bit of everything that is on your mind.

Psalm 34:4


Morning. First off I am so glad you are here. Incredible place to be.

I am a repeat offender lol - I am a veteran no stranger to sobriety and addiction.

Secondly trauma has no timeline. You do not want to jump from one addict to another. Been there and done it and caused an entire world of hurt & made some bad decisions with relationships. You absolutely need to void yourself from thinking a relationships will fill that hole because it won’t. Best course is to get some hard core counseling and therapy. As long as it takes. I am still in therapy. I don’t forsee myself ever stopping. Even with relapsing - they are there to support you in all facades of life and challenges.

Focus on yourself and for me my bible has always been my go 2. Especially in my dark nights of the soul with trauma.

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