Hello there, recently I have been on and off with someone, whom I have been seeing for about a year now. They understand my want/need for sobriety and they also want to take that journey and become sober themselves. Just like me, they go back and forth and end up in a vicious cycle on and off. We would drink together most of the time, get tanked, fight, swear it off, yada yada (unhealthy). They are also a chronic pot smoker (everyday, multiple times a day). They have been sober off the booze with me for about a week but still smoke. It has been bothering me. Almost making me want to throw in the towel as well, out of frustrations. I have no other chemical vices, and I honestly donāt want one. But I feel as if itās kind of a trigger for me being around that. We will often fight about it, and it turns into the āI can do whatever I wantā type response. They have also lied about when they do drink or smoke to me multiple times in the past which makes me feel like I donāt even know if they are serious about this. I know I canāt control others, and what they choose to do, but is there a way I can make my sobriety work with someone who may not be as serious about it as me?
Itās really difficult to be with someone that isnāt or doesnāt wanna be sober but it is possible. Iāve been doing it for over 11 months and itās one of the hardest things Iāve ever done. The lying and deceit is the worst. I attend 4 online meetings and 1 in person meeting per week. They keep me grounded and focused on my recovery. I also share a lot of my journey on this forum. If it werenāt for all this outside help, Iād be deep into my addiction. I canāt do this alone. This is my experience but it may not work for everyone. Do what you think is going to give you the best outcome for a long happy and healthy life. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for your response! How do you deal with the relationship when they are drinking or going out? Do you still join and practice self control, or do you just let them have that part of themselves separate and not ask questions?
It certainly is possible, my wife still drinks.
Iāve been sober for 670 days now.
What she does is her life.
Iām sober.
Itās all in how you perceive that lifestyle.
If you continue to consider that you are missing out on something, then you will struggle.
Thank you geo, itās nice to know itās possible. And congrats on the 670 days!
Thanks.
Anything is possible, just depends on how much we want it and how hard we are prepared to fight for it.
That can go for your sobriety and your relationship.
One of the daily quotes that comes up on TS often is something like:- if you can dream it you can do it.
I live by that these days.
The only thing that gets in our way is our own self doubts.
Dealing with something similar. The conversation of doing this together is there until he gets around his buddies. And when I give him a certian look, he tells me to calm down. I understand if the other persons chooses to use still, I just like the commitment that was made and Friday night comes along and its gone. I wish you luck girl, I know the struggle is real.
It kinda made me revaluate my relationship.
There was no commitment to sobriety by my other half and I never asked for it, though she did support my desire all the way.
Stopped drinking at home for a while and was and still is really behind me.
It depends on my mood and how his drinking is affecting me at that moment. If he has been drinking already and we plan to go out, Iāll usually tell him to go without me. If he hasnāt been drinking then Iāll go with him but sometimes I end up leaving early when he starts acting stupid drunk with his friends. I donāt find it funny but rather annoying. I try to make time to go out with my own friends for lunch or dinner to get some me time. Itās challenging and weāre not having a lot of quality time together when we do go out.
Wellā¦Iām in the same spot. Iāve been sober 49 days. My husband finally joined in around my 24th day but only lasted about 2 weeks. Those first two weeks were hard for me because there was always alcohol in the house. Lots! So self restraint was a must. At first he started sneaking it. I finally called him out last night. Not in a condescending way, because this is my sobriety, not his. Itās not easy living with an alcoholic. But you have to be selfish and do what you need to do to stay sober. I see how he behaves and it fuels my sobriety even more. I chose not to join in with his events. I go visit friends,family. Outdoor activities, shopping. Reading. Painting. Anything to keep the stuff out of my system. Honestly, you only have yourself with sobriety. You canāt force him to stop too. Itās a choice. Iām proud of you! Keep moving forward. Avoid what might trigger you as much as possible.
Shouldnt be having relationships for the first 9 months to a year. Your gonna go thru a buncha phases of irritability, depression, along with many other things that isnt gonna help a relationship thrive. When i got sober drunks and people that got high annoied me. so i preferably dont want that in a partner. It doesnt matter how attractive they may be its kinda like a personality that makes them ugly to me. To each thier own thoughš¤·ā¦
My personal opinonā¦if a person isnāt willing to quit when you doā¦they care more about it than they do you. If it doesnt fall apart immediately it will eventually. For that very reason. A committed relationship means committed to each other, not addiction. No offense intended, just an opinon. Iāve seen it happen even years later. Sending you strength in your recoveryš Congratulations
Your sobriety is yours and his will be his; itās an idividual effort as far as a relationship is concerned. Sounds a little like an uphill battle until you commit to yours.
I know it is hard to have a partner who is still drinking and or using. It adds more complexity, but does not make sobriety impossible. However, if they are hiding or lying to you, that is another issue altogether. Gstting your self sober needs to be your priority, not what they are or arenāt doing. I know that can feel very difficult, but it can be done. Are you able or interested in meetings? That would get you out of the house for a bit and get you into a positive healing community (hopefully). Also, are you able to get time and space to yourself at home? I took A LOT of time away in a separate room in my early sobrietyā¦spent tons of time reading, sleeping, journaling on my own away from my husband drinking. Or I went out for walks or soaked in the tub or went bicycling or to fitness or yoga classes (back when we could). I know it is more problematic now.
One of the most important things I had to really understand was that getting sober was 100% MY responsibility ā¦ it doesnāt matter who is drinking or what is happening around meā¦my sobriety is my issue. Keeping the focus on me helped a lot.
I will include a link to some other threads about partners who drink. Maybe you can find some comfort or inspiration there as well. Please know you are not alone and you can do this!! 
Willing to quit and actually quitting are two very different things. Addiction is a very hard disease to arrest. Took me two very severe relapses before I was able to reach that point of desperation that allowed me to get sober. At this point in my addiction it wasnāt that I cared more about drugs than my family or partner. I didnāt. I hated drugs, but I was incapable of quitting until I reached that desperation point.
Well my story sounded much like yours. Only my ex husband who committed to getting sober with me was drinking after work and taking pain meds behind my back.
Which then turned into him getting back on hard drugs. I left right before he started with the other drugs.
I found that my sobriety was in jeopardy when I started thinking I wanted to drink because I was so pissed off at him ALL the time.
At that point I realized he was also stealing my pain meds from my surgery I had just had. It was time for me to move out and move on.
I have seriously never been happier. Being in a relationship where he āsupportedā my sobriety by pretending to be sober with me was stressful and tiring.
Everybodyās situation is different and you need to do what is best for you. When I chose to be sober, I was in a relationship of twelve years with someone who also drank daily. I was told not to make any drastic changes in my first year, but I knew if I didnāt leave him and our household I wasnāt going to thrive. I walked away from the relationship and the majority of our household belongings. Today I am 82 days sober and I can talk to my ex as a friend. He continues to drink daily and Iām so happy Iām not part of that. Our relationship was proof that love isnāt enough. He essentially chose beer over our relationship. It took some time and one relapse before I realized I was doing the right thing by ending our relationship. Make YOU #1, make your sobriety your priority and donāt look back.
My advice, based on the relationship you described, maybe you should take some time apart and focus on yourself? Successful Sobriety is really about recovering from the issues that led us to drinking/ using/etc and also from the damage the addiction caused. You were a whole person before you met your SO, so based on the length of the relationship ~ year, Iām assuming a lot of the reasons you drank have nothing to do with themā¦ yet a lot of your decisions and thoughts are focused on what they are doing and how to work things out between the two of you.
Imo the focus should be on you and your addiction/sobriety vs you and his addictions/sobriety. If you want a successful relationship (with anyone) you should start by putting yourself first.
And congrats on your sobriety!
I really donāt care if people drink around me, I have come to realize just how much I used to drink compare to my friends who drink in moderation, I do tend to skip events with lots of boozing as it not some much fun when you not in the groove, in fact my wife has only started drinking dunce I stopped, suppose she never wanted to encorouge me or give me an excuse to drink
Oh no I agree with thatā¦ I obviously didnt state that well enough. I meant when the person isnāt willingā¦