I almost made two months sobriety. My self pity and pride took me out in a big way last night. I drank at my family. This ended me getting me into a car in a blackout. I crashed my car and got another dui. I’m so lost and sad about what happened. Why can’t I stop? What got you to stop drinking ultimately?
Please, share some wisdom. I’m scared of this happening again. Maybe I won’t be so luck next time and end up killing someone or myself.
Please talk to me.
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My last night, I drove. I got lucky…i just couldn’t face myself anymore. I knew if i didn’t stop, I would lose everything I had. I remember, one of the few things I remember from that night, the absolute disgust on the bartenders face. I disgusted her. That is not the man I am, but it is the man I am when i am drunk. That look she gave, is what i remember every time I have an urge. No one will look at me like that again.
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Oh…i have tried quitting so many times over the last couple decades. This time is different. First, I am not quitting for ever…I am just quitting for today. I will worry about tomorrow when i wake up. Second, I am not quitting drinking, I am changing who I am.
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My last night I drank myself to near death…I flatlined. My heart couldn’t handle the drinking and cocaine using anymore. I drove drunk many times not carrying about what might happen to others. I was very selfish and prideful. This disease has taken over my life and I just could not allow it anymore. I was tired of hurting my family and friends but most of all hurting myself. 9 months sober and I’m still having aa hard time accepting and letting go. But I know it’s worth it in the end.
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I was drunk in high speeding in a residential and wrecked my car into a tree. My best friend was with me at the time. I don’t know why the police didn’t give me a DUI and DWI maybe he was trying to give me a break. I took it as a sign and decided to get sober. I could’ve lost everything and seriously hurt someone or got me and my friend killed.
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I could write a book of all the crap I did and experienced over my 40+ years of drinking. None of it was able to keep me from myself. Eventually, the self loathing, anxiety and emotional pain were just too much to bear and I truly began working on recovery and not drinking. The process took a long time, but I no longer drink and I am eternally grateful for that.
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I had many so called “bad” nights drinking… But my last drunk, I acted a damn fool lemme tell you. My girl and I broke up a week earlier. I then hit the bottle hard. Well she was picking me up to take me home this particular night, so I didnt drive drunk. Bless her heart. I was wasted! But we got in the car and I wanted to know what a friend had told her. She wouldn’t tell me, which is reasonable, that’s her business. But it set me off completely! I lost my shit. We were driving down the road. I busted out her windshield with my fists. I fucked her car up completely on the inside. And then I choked her… I’m so ashamed! We could have wrecked. I could have seriously hurt her! I did something I’d never do sober. Ever! I would never put my hands on her. I love that girl more than anything in my world. But anyways, that’s what did it for me… I did the shit I said I’d never do… Needless to say, she told me it was her or the booze. It was an easy choice at this point. Honestly, she wouldn’t of even had to give me the choice, because at this point I was done. I had so much shame and guilt, more than ever before! More than the time I stole from my parents. More than the time I got a dui. More than the time I prostituted myself. Now that’s where addiction and alcoholism took me! Some low fucking places.
If you ever need to talk, I’m always here.
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Thanks everyone for responding. I can’t keep doing this wreckage. I need that to have been the last one.
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@Fuffer glad you came here to ask for help. The reason I quit… my family was camping with a friend and her family. My friend go so drunk she was urinating on herself while vomiting in front of 50 or 60 other campers, her kids and others, & her husband. she was sick the next 2 days but went right back at it the next day. I was drinking right along with her. She asked me to a soberfest weekend camping with her a month later. I went and Learned there that I was an alcoholic(knew it did not want to admit it) i was drinking at home no DUI no legal issues, great career, kids, house, marriage, education… etc. But I could see myself Going down my friends path. I absolutly could not stop drinking. Very few knew of my problem. While camping i attended lots of meetings and forums, was told to give in to alcohol… what?? Let it win??? What??? Explained to me this way. Everyday you get into the ring with alcohol, you fight with it and lose, every time! Everymoring you get up and think, I can control and defeat alcohol today, but again you lose. So just don’t get in the ring you damn fool!!! Hope it helps you too! All the feelings pass good and bad please dont use them as excuses like I did.
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I didn’t quit after multiple underage drinking tickets, several job losses, bankruptcy, divorce, two DUI’s, or two trips to the hospital for drinking. I started sobriety to hopefully change my life for the better and because I wanted to live. It really sticks when you realize the person that will be disappointed the most is yourself.
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Mine has nothing to do with physical issues. Nothing scared me. Losing my family and friends didn’t do it. Losing my job didn’t do it. ODing didn’t make me stop. Being homeless and hungry wasn’t enough. Those things made me want to kill myself, but they didn’t make me stop using.
What made me finally “get it” was how I was going to be remembered. I did not want to be remembered as a junkie, bc that’s not who I am. There was a point in my life, even during active addiction, where I was able to help a lot of people. It felt good to know that I was able to do that. All of that stuff would have been forgotten though if I died in a gutter with a needle in my arm. I had lost my compassion and spirituality. That’s what made me finally quit. I have no idea if I will stay clean forever, but I can tell you I didn’t pick up today and there’s no reason on earth I would pick up tomorrow.
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I love a no bullshit answer like that. Good friend there!
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I had been trying and failing daily. I was depressed anxious, constantly pulling sickies whilst trying to do a very well paid Job, that I hated with a daily hangover. I didn’t feel like there was much point anymore. I got a book called ,“The Unexpected Joy of being Sober.” Something just clicked everything she said made sense. I am a serious sober stalker now and I’m learning about myself all over again. I still have shit days and it’s not easy but It feels like life means something and has purpose again. I also got a new job. Less money, more peace.
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Don’t get in the ring!!! Exactly. I’m gonna use this in my thoughts. Such a perfect analogy-thank you for sharing.
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Thank you so much for your story and your support 
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I definitely am doing a lot of soul searching
I’m glad you’re here to share your story. You are helping me. I want to be able to be well enough to help myself and help others, so they don’t go through the same self torture I’m doing to myself.
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I love that you are a sober stalker, HailsTales. I need to be, too. Snag as much knowledge from all of you here as possible.
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I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Plus I lost my job, fiance, started doing coke - oh ya… and I became a stripper and a whore and also lost my family… Fu#$@!%^&*%kkkkkk…
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That i couldn’t have planned it. A switch just flicked in my head and suddenly i was over alcohol. I was able to just stop. I get tempted and when i do i think of all those cringey memories and it stops me from rewinding.
Stay here, keep coming back. You WANT to change and that counts.
Also, edit - i tried to quit many many many times but i kept relapsing. I guess meee just wasnt important to me. I wasnt happy. Im happy this year, and i dont want alcohol to ruin that for me. I hate alcohol. I want to remain happy, and awake, and conscious, and remember things. I want to walk away rather than think im brave and pick a fight or say dumb things. My sober happiness is more important than the fake happy high from alcohol.
I hope i have helped in some way
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