Hi friends and sober community. I’ve had some time off the app, and off sobriety. And as I know everytime I do this- my life NEVER gets better, it only gets worse. I’m only more exhausted, low, at a loss and less creative. I don’t know how to find which path I should follow. Do I need to wait until I’m ready to commit and throw it all at sobriety or do I keep trying? I’ve conquered emigrating countries, post grad degrees, yoga teacher training and marathon training and yet I CANNOT do this, it’s harder than anything else. I can avoid drugs, even bad food but I just cannot do this with alcohol or caffeine. My dad has a drinking problem and I know my brother struggles to the point now that he only ever has one drink or he says he feels too unwell, anxious and out of control. He’s managed to crack the one drink rule. For me, lockdown lifting now is even worse as you order at the table. So you can pretend you’re drinking a gin and tonic when you’re actually drinking a tonic. Because everyone orders together. I dunno, I suppose I need to break down the goal - and the things that I could gain and lose from achieving sobriety. And then decide how much I want and need it. Maybe if I Make it maths, objective in order to stop this being such an emotional thing. The tropes of women caving off their goals and drinking are just so ubiquitous in media and Instagram and everywhere that people want to say “oh come onnnn” more than not. Anyway- the 0.5%s made me feel so much better. I’m Going to start a 0.5% thing again and see how I go. Thanks for listening, sending love to you strong and amazing people, honestly so much Damn respect for all of you for taking CONTROL. Love freckles x
I have missed seeing you around! Glad you are back.
I guess my thought is this…do you enjoy drinking? For me, I hated it and me by the end. But when I still thought of sobriety as missing something …something being alcohol, I could not sustain sobriety. Not until I recognized all that I would add to my life and that alcohol (my drinking) was taking all that from me…that it was not allowing me to reach my full potential AT ALL. Well, that was when it all started to click. I had to get to where I hated myself so much before I could find myself again.
Anyway…that was my experience. It sounds like you have plenty of fortitude and are able to achieve goals. I have faith that if sobriety is truly a goal you want, you will achieve it.
It all starts with today, right now, being sober now. 
Why the need to pretend?
Just a thought. I remember having some reservation owning my sobriety around others, what would they think etc. As others said here though, surprisingly no one really cared! I just ordered a sparkling water and lime (because I like it). And if anyone asked I’d just say, “I don’t drink.” More often than not, that was that.
That helped me. It made clear I didn’t want a drink, not just to those around me, but to myself as well. That honesty relieved more tension than I thought it would, so I could relax and be myself. Maybe worth a go?
I knew I was all in when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. If you’re not ready to fully commit just yet, I suggest you stay here anyway and keep reading and posting. There’s so much knowledge and experience on this forum that I think you’ll benefit from all of it.
Don’t pretend. Order that tonic and if anyone says anything just reply “I’m not drinking today.” Most people probably won’t even notice anyway and who cares what other people think. You do you.
Hey Freckles,
Good to see you checking in.
I’ve noticed a lot of people on here come and go. Not really leave but keep trying to be sober. A lot of times eventually it sticks. Some are still waiting for it to stick. Sometimes we stumble and fall. Over and over again.
But I cannot think of one good thing I’ve lost because of being sober. Not one.
I feel beating addiction it the hardest job there is. Maybe when you realize your life is unmanageable when you drink you can make a better commitment to becoming sober. It would of course be better to do it before your life gets to that point.
I’m doing the same. I was really anxious about it at the begging. But nowdays when I order no alcohol or choose to drink sugarfree soda or whatever instead and someone asks, I just say that I don’t drink. If the follow up question “Why not?” comes up I simply says the truth. I don’t drink because I can’t handle it, I can’t do only one drink no matter how hard I try, so that’s not an option.
After that there’s usually no more questions about it.
For me that’s the easiest approach. Sometimes I do non alcoholic beers or champagne (which used to be my favorite drink) but that doesn’t feels necessary anymore either.
Hi @Freckles, I’ve missed seeing you around. I never thought I would ever be able to stop drinking. I thought I was stuck on the hamster wheel and couldn’t get off. It is possible! When you’re ready if you’re ready, we are here. Please stick around, it’s lovely to “see” you again 
Yep, the key question @SoberGuyUSA, I know drinking is a problem for me. But sobriety feels like it would create different kind of issues.
Thanks @SassyRocks - what a great handle you have. Yeah I do, I do enjoy drinking. TOO much. I like it too much. I love how much NOT drinking adds to my life, I love waking up on a Sunday morning sober. I love not poisoning my body. I’m just going to start one day at a time remembering that.
thanks @Eke I know I should be able to do this by now, but I find my friends (especially ones I havn’t seen in a long time, are so resistant to it). Thank you @Dazercat - your message made me emotional. Its so good to be welcomed back. Sometimes I feel I’m not welcome if I’m sort of trying to get sober, and not sure how I feel but its so great to know that we are welcome here even when we fall and get confused and are trying to work it all out. Its so true, only good things happened to me when I first went sober. And since drinking again (Feb - April), nothing actively good has happened to me because of those nights drinking. I can’t say they were ‘bad’ I’m sure I had fun, but nothing good also came of any of it. @Blondie1x thanks lovely. I am going to try for another month again, go back to picking up my book the Naked Mind, and get in the zone again. I’ve also treated myself to some really delicious organic hot chocolate and I know that when I start changing my reward systems, I feel myself moving into a sober phase. I can feel it again. When I know that alcohol is not really the reward. No one wins with that. Thank you - lovely lot for your sunday night support.
Heres to DAY 3 tomorrow and a fresh bloody week!
Thanks @Lisa07 I know what you mean. I came waiting for this drop. But why wasn’t the ambulance experience the drop? It really should have happened then. But I know that soon I’ll reach the point of no return. Or at least that is how I feel it must go. I’d like it to be gradual. Like to do sober months here and there, and then to gradually get used to not having or needing alcohol in my life, and then PREFERRING not having it in my life. I think like any habit, sometimes you need to start small, and build the habit up until you no longer need to try so hard, it just feels right.
@MrsOdh - I wish there were no questions! GAH. People want to interrogate it but yes I’m growing up and at 29 there is often someone not drinking. I think the truth is that… I WANT to drink. I’m blaming it on others but I know that its about me wanting to drink.