I would like to share my losses from my last relapse. Before that, I was on my second day without alcohol and smoking. I want to list a few things that happened to me during my last relapse.
During my sober days, I managed to earn around $300 through freelance jobs to renew my car insurance. Later, I found another insurance company offering the same benefits for just $100. That meant I had $200 left in my pocket. Unfortunately, my mind immediately turned to drinking, and I started on the 13th of this month. I went on a four-day binge until the evening of the 17th and lost all the money I had saved. If I had kept that $200 in my bank, I could have paid off my police fine. Everything happened because of the relapse.
I didn’t eat properly for four days—barely a piece of bread each day. I also reconnected with old friends who never called me during my sober days or difficult times, like when I had my accident. Yet, I treated them to drinks every day using my own money.
My mother was once again disappointed. She hoped I would learn my lesson after my last accident and police case, but I relapsed again.
Now, I need to earn money again for my police fine. I don’t have a job, so I have to try freelancing once more.
My sleep has been disturbed again. Last night, I couldn’t sleep. Even when I closed my eyes, many thoughts—both good and bad—kept coming. I also had horrible dreams and nightmares, but I know this is temporary.
Almost all my relapses happen when I receive some money. I spend it on drinking, then stop once I’ve exhausted it. Afterward, I get overwhelmed with regret, thinking about how I could have used the money for better things. Now, with my police fine due in a month, I’m struggling with how to find the money to pay it.
I’m sharing this because I want to clear my mind.
This is the first self-insightful thought I’m reading from you. Well done on analysing a bit of this situation.
By no means will this be ALL that contributes to your relapses or makes you a drinker.
But this one problem, money in hand, is an easy one to handle: just give your money to your mother or anyone else who’s trusted to handle and only pay you out what you need for daily expenses.
Now what’s next? How is it looking w AA, books, podcasts, regular involvement here, therapy, journalling? You need to start working on your recovery or nothing will ever change.
You have lots of constructive replies on your previous thread that people have taken the time to write to really try to help you but ive not seen any replies from you…
Thank you for trusting us and sharing with us.
You have come to an important insight about your behaviour around money. I’d second the suggestion @Faugxh has put up: Let someone trusted handle your money for the time you need.
Bookmark it. When you feel tempted, read it. Reading your own words back will hit more deeply than anything else. I still have a post of mine where I give myself some truths bookmarked.
Here it is. It is so far away from where I am now. And right now is not so inspirational to be honest. But better than the shitshow that post is about.
You keep coming back to TS, so I do believe somewhere in you, you DO want to be sober. Keep coming back please, despite the tough love and harsh words. Keep coming back and read the advice you’ve been given. You are worth a chance, give it to yourself (but a proper one!)
I agree with @Marit above. I also believe in you, my friend. Don’t mind about the attitudes of some members in here, I’m sure you know that you need more help in your sobriety. And I’m sure that you’ve been realizing how serious your drinking problem is and you’re not alone in that. We all are alcolics/addicts and we can’t be sober just by ourselves. We need help. Good news is that there’s a lot of help available and you have God in your life. Don’t give up, bro! I believe in you wholeheartedly, I know you can get back on the saddle and live your dream life! Nothing is lost.
I would love for you to get sober, stay sober, and prove me wrong. But I’ve been watching your pattern and it has been the same for a long time. If you don’t change it up you will be stuck in this cycle.
Welcome back Sharath i really hope tgis is your last relapse post
You must stop trying to control this yourself. You have shown yourself that you cant. Do what everyone says and you will get better. You have to be desperate enough, give up on your old ideas and ways, and do what TS is telling you whether you want to or not. Detox, go to meetings and do the work. Check in here every day like you did when you were sober, and just dont drink!
It’s great that you keep coming back. I do hope you are seeing the patterns that lead you to relapse and making changes with your social circles as well. You did stack up the days so I know you have it in you. Just have to get past the excuses and make a solid plan for yourself. This place is active 247 so you will always be able to get support if needed. AA is great but you may also need to find other ways to help your recovery.
… ODAAT