A husband who I thought hated me said “I know you’re better than that”…
A confused scared 24 year old daughter who said “Mom you are the strongest person that I know, if you can’t beat this then where’s that leave me in life”…
A 14 year old son who was disgusted at looking at me because he wanted his mom back…
A 6 year old son who would rather just go to his room and be alone to avoid hearing mom and dad argue…
A 4 year old daughter (with no knowledge of the book of Revelation) who told me that she a dream that I was very sick and a fairy lady with wing’s took me up in the sky, made me better and brought me back home to her…
I reckon we’ve all got our reasons… I’ve been blessed with so many!!!
I’ve learned a solid foundation is crucial if you want your house to stand… I AM that foundation…
I wanted to change the family cycle of alcoholism and give my son a better childhood than I had. Also to see what life was like sober after 25 years of drinking, its waaaaay better! No hangovers or DT’s😁
This stands out so strongly for me. I hadn’t thought about this for a long time… It’s a scary mindset that supercedes depression or sadness. I didn’t care about anything when I was really drunk. And I was getting to that kind of drunk more and more frequently. Literally couldn’t care less about anything, including myself.
Thank you for sharing that really took me back and I needed that.
I have always drank occasionally. But it became more then the normal every now and then after my 2nd pregnancy… my second pregnancy I was pregnant with not 1 not 2 but 3 baby girls. I was high risk of course. I went to every appointment and done everything tmi was supposed to. I found out her was all 3 girls on dec 30th and we was so happy. About a week later I had this over whelming feeling something bad had happened but I didn’t know what. So I called my fiance to see if he was ok and then I called all my family and they was all ok. I was doing kick counts and felt movement so I thought everything was ok. The next day I had bad belly pain so I went to the er. About a hour after I got there they done a sono… little did I know I would
be preparing my self for tragedy… I only Hurd one heart beat. At this point I am only 18 weeks pregnant. So they admitted me and wouldn’t tell me anything because they wasn’t sure cuz they wasn’t the sono techs they was just er drs… as i was laying in my hospital bed i thought i felt 3 babies so I wasn’t as worried anymore. so the next morning my dr came in and we done another sonogram and then again I only hurd one heartbeat i looked at my dr and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I’m sorry. And i looked at my fiance and lost it i was i disbelief and denial. I kept telling them it wasn’t possible because I feel them moving. And my dr then said its baby A moving and kicking the other sack and making it feel like baby B and C are moving! And I kept trying to tell my self and my fiance
they was lieing. He kept telling me no babe they are gone they gained their wings. The dr came in And told me that there is nothing they could do to remove allie and alana safely with out hurtin aaliyah. And that in a week my body would treat them like a virus try to kick em out witch would throw me in to labor and kill aaliyah as well. And if I was lucky I’d get 2 weeks and at that point I was at risk of losing aaliyah and or my self if my second placenta was to break because their sack would be toxic. But luckily I went 10 weeks and delivered aaliyah(who’s name is now faith) allie and alana at 28 weeks via emergency c section. Faith was 2lbs 10 oz and was having troubles and we almost lost her a few times. She didnt come home for 4 months. Now shes 5 and healthy as ever. But with every birthday holiday death day or burial day thay passes it’s just as hard as it was the first year. Eaither we are celebrating days that they should be here for and we try to survive the days or were mourning their death day or burial day. It had definitely tookn its toll on me. So I started drinking a little more.
But it doesn’t stop there…
About 3 years ago my then fiance and I had broke up. And he said the worst thing ever. He accused me of killing allie and alana on purpose. With a coat hanger. Why would I do that? And why would anyone say that to a mother ?! If I would have done that then their sack would not have water in it and I would have been in labor shortly after. They had a obtopsy done and they was to little for them to figure out the cause of death… so after he said that I tried to kill my self because he made me out to be a monster to everyone. And I had everyone coming to me asking questions. I got sent to a mental hospital and when I got out I turned to alcohol and drugs to get the thoughts out of my head.
I was on and off with the drugs and alcohol till I got pregnant with my youngest. After i had her i turned back to my "comfort zone " and was at it every day for 8-9 months and now here i am clean and sober. I was tired of feeling like that and I didnt like who I had become so 90 days ago I decided to just stop it all. And it was the best decision of my life! I am still in the iffy zone as I have never made it past 4 months at a time. But I have an amazing life this time around and I dont see my self stepping back in to that life style again…
P.s sorry it was so long. And sorry for the trigger.
Honestly… Hangovers. I get the worst hangovers on Earth. Yeah, granted, I have a ton to drink but I’m incapacitated for a day, maybe two.
Last time, I laid in the dark in the bathtub with cool water going on me. Dry heaved some. Just laid there trying to feel better because I felt too bad to sleep. And I hadn’t slept much the night before.
I remember someone saying how hangovers made their gym time worse. I’m like what? You can leave the house and function hung over?
Wow you have been thru so much. I can’t imagine losing 1 baby let alone 2. Then to be accused of killing them is unimaginable. You poor thing. My heart hurts for you. Thanks for sharing.
Had enough of my own bullshit, tired of playing the destructive cycle, burning too many bridges and sick of closing myself off from the world in shame.
I’ve always been a drinker. I managed pubs and restaurants for 13 years.
I left that line of work when I was 31 and my first little girl was born, unfortunately I didn’t leave the drinking behind too.
Now, nearly 10 year later, my other half has had enough of me. She told me so by text on the night of my Grandmothers funeral (yes, i had been drinking again and she had enough of it)
It’s been 4 months now since we split but only 3 days I’ve been sober. I know this is what I need to do in order to keep contact with my girls, my sanity and my job.
I started with auditory hallucinations today, has anyone had any experience with this please?
Most likely you are having DTs, which in some cases can be fatal. Did you talk to a doctor about your detox process? I got seizures and heard things, but it went away after medical detox (I drank like A LOT!!)
Second likely option is co-occurring disorder due to mental illness and alcohol use combined. Did you ever have this before drinking? Anybody in your family have mental illness? This could also be ruled out by a doctor.
Concerned about my health and tired of black outs, hangovers and feeling misrabel. Also I have to think of my kids and what I teach them about alcohol-use.
Went to the fridge to pour more wine… stood there pissed pouring the wine with my head saying,”ahh f**k it, your pissed already what harm would finishing that second bottle do”? But my conscious mind saying, whoa this is not good, I have lost control of myself!” I literally could not not pour that drink and could not not drink it… I don’t know if this makes sense to you guys. But I was stuck and it scares the shit out of me! I’m never going to give control of myself to anything ever again… alcohol is a bastard!
It sounds like a painful time! Did the medical detox take long? I haven’t spoke to anyone about detox yet as it was only Fri morning I decided to.
I do have social anxiety, depression and anxiety related insomnia. I’m a big bundle of fun, lol. There is a lot of alcohol abuse in my family.
I did make an appointment to see the doctor this morning but couldn’t face leaving the house, so I phoned back and cancelled, took a sleeping tablet and felt a lot better this afternoon.
When it got to where no matter how many pills I did I couldnt get to where I felt any better than I did before, so I figured if I was gonna feel like shit all the time I might as well be straight…
that really took me back and I needed that.
