Hi everyone. I’m after some advice from anyone who is or has been in this situation.
My relationship with my partner after three years was turning into a drinking binge. I’m talking every day, all we would do was hang out, watch TV and get drunk. We had lost any motivation or want to do any thing else, so this was our life. We used to have so much fun together, always going on day trips, out to lunch, bike rides, 4WDing, but it somehow got to the stage where it was so bad that we would both wake up and start drinking again.
Every Sunday without fail we would discuss that we have a problem, and agree not to drink during the week. On Monday one of us would come clean and say ‘I caved’, and the pattern would keep going.
I ended up booking myself into a clinic to get sober, and today I’m 32 days sober. The thing is, I had told my boyfriend that I could not spend time with him while he’s drinking. It was too much of a risk so early on in my sobriety.
So now I sit here on NYE, on my own as my boyfriend wants to drink tonight. As he did every single night since Christmas. I think Christmas Eve is the only night we’ve spent together since I’ve been sober 
My boyfriend drinks at least a bottle of vodka a day, every day.
At the time when he cancels on me so that he can drink, I feel like I’m second best to vodka, but as I’m an alcoholic also, I know this is not the case, it’s the addiction ruling his life.
I told him today that I can’t see this relationship lasting if it keeps on the way it’s going. We have been together 3.5 years now and were talking forever. I love him very much but I can’t keep going like this. It’s painful knowing he would chose to be home with vodka than spending time with me.
Does any one have any advice? Been in a similar situation? If he only had a few beers I think I’d be fine with it, but unfortunately it’s not that way.
I was in a relationship like this. We would drink and have horrible fights. Then he would tell me I don’t need to drink. Then when I agreed with him he would always ask me the following weekend if we could get a small bottle, promising that we wouldn’t fight. I always caved and the cycle continued. He was very emotionally abusive and it made my anxiety and depression get really bad. We would fight all night and miss a lot of work. Ultimately we broke up, the relationship was just too toxic. We loved each other and actually tried to be married twice together. But neither time worked. He would sneak alcohol when I wasn’t around even when I tried to stop. I would advise you to get out now if there is no way that he will give up drinking too, because you don’t seem to be the only one with the problem and I don’t see bliss in your future if you are not both willing to stop drinking and possibly seek some counseling as well.
I’m sorry to read this Amalie. But great for you for getting your freedom from alcohol. 32 days. Awesome work! It can be very difficult being with someone that’s an alcoholic.
My wife and I have been drinking buddies for 38 of the 40 years we’ve know each other. I’ve been sober almost 2 years now and my wife has drank every one of those days. Now it basically wine all afternoon and evening until she falls asleep. But we been together about 40 years. Alanon has helped me out tremendously when my children were deep into their addiction. I use many of those tools again along with my sober tools. It’s hard some days. But we’ve been together a long time. You are not alone. I started a thread here. Check it out if your willing.
It got a lot of stories and I was hoping it would help people in our position. Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict?
Join in i when your comfortable.
Here’s the Alanon website. Alanon.org.
Meetings saved my life when both my children were in active addiction.
I’m sorry your going through this. Sometimes it really sucks.
Keep up those boundaries and protect your sobriety at all costs. My husband and I are both alcoholics but he chose to keep drinking when I got sober. Living under the same roof was not easy at all. Thankfully, my house is big enough that we could avoid each other pretty much daily.
I was told by many not to make any life changing decisions during the first year of sobriety. I stuck it out and he decided to get sober on my 1 year anniversary but it didn’t last long. After many failed attempts, he finally got sober 18 months into my recovery. He could see he was losing his family without me having to verbally express that and got himself into AA.
What got me through those tough times were the people on this forum and AA meetings. I would go out with friends from AA to escape the hell I was living at home. Watching a loved one slowly kill themselves is no way to live but I couldn’t save him. He had to want it for himself. Continue to keep your sobriety your top priority, lead by example and hope he eventually follows. If things don’t change, you have some hard decisions to make. Wishing you the best.
That must be so hard, I can’t imagine that.
Strongs to you, and everyone else facing these challenges every day. 
Hi @Mali and welcome here. I must say, I’m pretty impressed with your resolve to not be around him drunk but protect your sobriety even over Christmas! That shows some major showing up for yourself, well done!
I hope you can continue to support yourself so strongly. I’ve been hurt and abandoned by an addict partner I love(d) very much, I know that pain. I don’t have any other advice than that you must continue to protect your sobriety. Only sober will you make decisions that are in your best interest. He might quit, but he might not. If he doesn’t, it’ll be very hard to be in a relationship with a daily drunk. And maybe not what you want for yourself.
Stay strong, be there for yourself.
Sometimes distancing yourself to strenthen your sobriety can be a good thing, sounds like you have been doing great for yourself checking into a facility to get sober, setting healthy boundaries. Just remember he’s only your boyfriend and if he would rather spend his time drinking its a big commitment if your thinking in terms of wanting to be with him forever. I learned in a treatment center once to not think in terms of indefinates, just take it easy one day 1step 1 breath at a time
Congratulations on your hard work and 32 days of sobriety!! That is wonderful and not easy to achieve!! You sound very focused and strong.
You have some really thoughtful responses here already. I live with a partner who still drinks. We have been together 25 years in 10 days and we forged our relationship with drinking and drugs. To say it has been a HUGE transformation for both of us since I got sober is an understatement. I certainly wish he wasn’t drinking quite so much, but that is entirely out of my hands. He has cut down over the years and is much more aware, but we are older people, so if you get to be our age and don’t realize you are slowly killing yourself, well that is a whole other kind of denial.
I hear in your post your frustration and disappointment and you wanting more from life. Idk what you should do, other than protect your sobriety with your whole heart and strength. Your sobriety can help move you in the direction of health, healing and wholeness. It will enrich your life and help you become 100% the best version of you. Always protect your self and your sobriety. It will serve you well.
It sounds like you do not live together or share a family, and I see that as a huge plus at this point. Having your own safe, sober space is incredibly important.
A question I would consider is can you envision yourself living a happy, loving, sober, fulfilling life with him EXACTLY AS HE IS NOW forever?
Finally, I would remember and honor the most important thing in your world…YOU. Sober, clear headed, I have dreams, YOU.
Hi Mali - I’m so sorry to hear this. It must be heartbreaking and as you said it makes you feel like second best to vodka, and that’s a lousy feeling.
I think you need some space from him. He is a full-fledged alcoholic and doesn’t see the problem (or if he does see it he doesn’t see it for what it really is: him putting alcohol ahead of anything else in his life). You are young and have no children; while being safe and respected matters all the time, to anyone (children or not), at the current time in your situation, you have a lot of freedom to take action without having to care for children or other loved ones at the same time.
You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, and who treasures you. You already have that: you can learn to love and respect yourself, sober. (Being with someone who treats you as second-best is not respectful for yourself.) Once you have some space and time to build your strong relationship with your sober self, you’ll be able to look for a partner that has the same respect for you.
Take care love and never give up 
(Edit)
Whoops I apologize I missed your earlier post about having two teenage kids at home!
I would still give the same advice as I did above. Whether someone has kids or not has no influence on whether or not they have the right and the freedom to ask for respect. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and treasures you. That person can be you - you can stay happily single if you choose - or, once you’re feeling stronger in your emotions, you can find another partner.
You’re a good person and a good mother who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
I too have an alcoholic and drug addicted partner. Unfortunately, he has a desire to stop and also unwilling to stop “right now”.
I’m not ready to let him go and thankfully I do not live with him and yet it doesn’t stop my pain from occuring for him. My tears still fall for him, my heart and prayers go out to him and I pray and stand in faith that my God is still working on his behalf and our behalf , behind the scenes.
I only hope that what I’m gaining in this recovery walk becomes attractive to him and he’ll want what we got too.
I do not get mad at him nor do I beat him over the head with the Bible.
I listen when he wants to talk about it and every now and then , when prompted by God, I’ll ask him when enough is enough and if he is tired yet.
Other than that… I keep on keeping on.
Thank you for the links. I had a quick flick through them last night, I’ll have more time today to have a good read. I appreciate your post, thank you 
I have an alcoholic partner and have been sober for some time from alcohol. When we got together he quit drinking but then a year later after we bought a house picked it back up. Since then he has snowballed out of control. I try so hard to be kind but he is not the same person anymore mentally or physically. I have a lot of anger about it. I guess it’s selfish because he has the right to make his own decision and he told me I’m not God. He’s right, he has to make his own decisions. It’s just hard to watch and the relationship is probably just going to dissolve. He is a shell of a person and I want so much more out of life. His health is deteriorating but none of his “friends” or family will tell him the truth that it’s due to alcohol abuse but I can’t seem to deliver it in a kind way. He says I have no friends but all of his friends are drunks. I prefer to spend my time doing other things that bring me gratification instead of sitting on a dirty barstool in a dive bar.
hey there. very painful situation. I wish you peace and perseverance.
I think you would like this there thread: Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict?