enjoying yourself 
Seriously your here, your trying and your doing amazing. Anything you need I’m here, we all are, don’t do this alone bc your best thinking always got you wasted.
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Thank you for sharing this. So much of it made sense and clicked. We all really do think the same in many ways. I’ve had a couple of day 14’s this year but can see now that I slack off or find an excuse. Enough is enough. I’m not going back to day 1.
Thank you for this post. Beautifully written 
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The illusion - I used to keep alcohol in the house and tell myself it was to prove to myself that I could cope without it bc there’s no way I’ve got a drink problem if I could have it in the house and not drink it. I was the same with weed. My Mrs smoked and left joints in the ashtray and I didn’t smoke them so I’m cured.
This was fine for a few days but I can promise you this - every bit of alcohol I kept in the house as evidence of my strength has now been drunk and picking up joints and sniffing them or putting them in my mouth and pretending to smoke always ended up with me getting high.
Don’t fool yourself bc the illusion is far from the reality, the reality is we can’t let it go completely and still has a mental and emotional hold over us.
In early sobriety remove all evidence of your addiction, remove all temptation. I don’t keep dog food in the cupboard incase I ever get a dog it would be insane so why would I keep alcohol and drugs? Just in case I change my mind!!!.. of course I’ll change my mind I already decided that on day 1 when I choose to hold on to the past.
All steps in recovery must be steps forward but the first step is honesty.
Get honest. Get sober.
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Using what you know, accepting what you don’t know.
Not far off the 1 year mark and life was hitting hard, now was when I should be drinking. People problems, work problems, money problems and worst of all was my partners health problems.
Problems Problems Problems.
I’m the guy with all the answers and the first one was how drunk shall I get before I have to deal with it all. But I didn’t have the answers and I didn’t have a place to run anymore and although sober and apparently happy about it I went into a very dark place. Depression.
I knew one day I would wake up and feel different so until then I went with the flow and watched my body react and listened to my mind knowing my thoughts were false.
Sobriety even at its worst was still better than my best days drunk and although I felt like I wanted to die I had 2 things to hold onto. My honesty and prayer. I had to remember I was a drunk and that alcohol was not the solution anymore and I only needed 1 prayer that must have said a thousand times. The serenity prayer. Could I accept the current situation, No. Did I have the courage and the wisdom to do anything about it, Yes. Because sobriety had given me a strength I never knew I had.
All of those problems we have become obstacles to overcome, challenges to face and you’ll find in time and moments of quiet thought that there will be nothing you can’t overcome.
Yes the future is uncertain and you will likely spend far too much time worrying about the unknown but when you do Stop and catch yourself and bring yourself back to the present, it’s only right here right now where you can alter the future and even if it doesn’t work out the way you planned there is always a lesson to be learnt and another opportunity to try again.
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A new kinda normal - Obsessive cravings, watching the minutes go by, boredom, no sleep, crazy dreams, can’t go to the usual places with the usual people, a hundred healthy fads, wellbeing, mindfulness, finding yourself, pink clouds, why bother, The 1 year depression that this really is happening… and then… The noise stops.
You can do what you want now it has no control over you, you can do the things you used to do and realise you can enjoy them sober. The obsession becomes just a passing thought and yeah life does seem a bit mundane at times but that’s just life and if you don’t like it your in a position fill it with new hobbies or experiences. Problems are no longer impossible obstacles and people, well, does it really matter what they say or do or think about us. Isn’t life easier when we don’t take it so personally and instead give a little wry smile when it teaches us another lesson.
Isn’t it wonderful when your impossible becomes your normal.
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I’m glad I came back on here to read all these my friend. Brilliant insights and so wonderfully put 
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I can not relate to your post more. I struggle with finding sobriety and piece of mind to point where I can see the underlying factors driving my depression and addiction. I create posts in times of need and respond to others hurting with advice because I have failed so many times. I may not know exactly what works but I definitely know what doesn’t work, and I never want anyone to hurt the way I do. I also started a daily thread to journal my thoughts and as a way to hold myself accountable. After multiple days of failing I gave up on the thread. You are not alone remember that.
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I love the Serenity Prayer!
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Speaking out and reaching out - this one is a little AA based so if its not your thing don’t bother reading more… There are 4 types of AA goers at meetings the ones that hide away to scared to speak, the ones who speak and hate it, the ones that always say a few words bc they know they need to help the newcomer and the ones that love the sound of their own voice. ALL ARE WELCOME.
I get annoyed with people that speak too long and I get annoyed with people who don’t talk and help the newcomer, I get annoyed when people talk about there day and I get annoyed when people repeat the same old clichés.
BUT… everyone in that room or online is there for exactly the same reason I am.
We must love and support our fellow sufferers whatever shape they come in bc we all have that common bond, it’s one of the most special parts of AA, NA etc and you will only find it in the rooms.
I urge you to raise your hand when you are scared as there is no such thing as a bad share even if its just a quick hello and thanks to everyone, to the ones who like to talk make it about the message and not about what kind of day you have had as we are all there for the newcomer, our words will be the first words heard in a room by some individuals so make them count.
I kinda hate sharing but once I start I can’t stop but knowing that we have the power to save and change lives I take any opportunity I can. Hand it over to your higher power, let the words flow, do some service and keep someone sober for one more day.
That’s how YOU stay sober.
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Fellow travellers - Oh god did I need other people!! Not just anyone but fellow ill people. Save yourself several years and talk to other addicts bc many ( Sorry, ALL) of us thought we could do this alone and failed again and again. The only advice we had was our own, the only experience we had was our own and unless we learnt from it it wasn’t a lot of cop and even then we would go on to make another mistake that others did before us. But in the early days I really needed people to look at me and see what I was doing and how much I was hurting and how great I was doing and how much better I was than them bc I was sober longer.
Then I needed people to look up to, people who had what I wanted, people who were prepared to make sacrifices for the sake of the bigger picture.
Then one day we wake up and find we have got what they had…
Now is the most important time to need other people. To keep what we have we have to give it all away. No pity, no ego, no putting people on pedistals or trying to be someone we’re not.
It’s time to keep it simple - Your an addict like everyone else so go help another addict, talk about what you know, lead by example, give, give, give.
Other people have never been so valuable.
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I lost track of this thread because of crab season. I’m glad I saw it tonight.
You have done some amazing work! I loved reading all of it!
Thanks for sharing Paul!
Good, honest recovery!
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Quick one today - just got asked “what did you do to stay sober?”
Reply " I sat in a chair crying thinking I was going to die whilst gripping the sides bc if I let go for even a second I was going to drink and drug"
It got easier.
Your not the only one.
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This once felt an impossible statement or something that only happens to others. As time went by some of these promises began to materialise and now I don’t even see them as promises at all, it’s more like a daily check list. If I’m not one of these things on the list WHY NOT, where is my thinking or attitude going wrong and what am I going to do about it.
The main point is ’ sometimes quickly sometimes slowly’ But as long as you work for it you’ll be fine.
No one else is going to live your life for you, its time to step up and take some responsibility for yourself and some action.
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Love, love, love the promises! By far, my favorite reading in AA even though it’s been sometimes slowly for a very long time for me, but they are materializing and that’s all that matters.
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clichés - Starting out everyone used to keep repeating themselves and although they had never met they kept saying the same things, KEEP IT SIMPLE, TAKE IT EASY, DON’T THINK ABOUT YESTERDAY OR TOMMOROW, ONE DAY AT A TIME, THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN’T HAVE IS THE FIRST ONE, PICK UP THE PHONE, YOUR NOT ALONE, FALL 100 TIMES GET UP 101, blah blah blah blah blah.
That’s all well and good and easy for them to say but the only cliché I had spinning round my head 24 hours a day was HAVE A DRINK AND QUIT TOMMOROW OR NEXT WEEK.
Looking back it wasn’t everyone giving me clichés it was just the people who were staying sober and it wasn’t clichés they were giving me it was tried and tested advice. Those clichés are in fact, FACTS, I’ve tried them myself now and they are true and they work.
You have a very warped perception of reality when starting out so trust me when I tell you - Your not different, your not special, your not more intelligent and your certainly not going to stop today or next week on your own.
Hear what people are telling you bc there could just be something to an old cliché.
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Short and sweet tonight - My sponsee told me he prayed today for God to make him happy.
If prayer is your thing its not about praying for life to fit in with your plans it’s about praying for others and the only thing we need to acknowledge for ourselves is thy will not my will, if we can learn to accept everything as it is, good and bad, we’ll be a lot happier anyway.
Everything will always be exactly how its meant to be at any one time what your sobriety will give you is the ability to react different from what you are used to.
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The secret - Even if you don’t believe it you are a selfish person… but I work in a hospital, care home, help other people all the time, think of others, help my neighbour, family, friends etc etc ad infinim…
I considered myself a very selfless person WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR ME and it didn’t get in the way of my addictions. My drinking and drugs always came first then I came second and you came wherever, if at all. My brain told me I was a caring loving person who always thought of others and yes that was exactly the problem - I only ever thought of others - I never took physical actions that they could see and hear and know they were in my thoughts.
After a while I began to find some self love and realised its not a weakness to show emotion and if I had emotions surely the people I met every day had these same emotions. Now this might sound obvious to some but to an addict the only thing we worry about is ourself.
So today everytime you meet someone or interact with someone in any way ask yourself this…
How shall I leave them feeling today?
my experience - At work the people I hate the most I now give the most attention, We talk and laugh and share things I thought I never would with such people. I still don’t like them but that’s just my opinion and they don’t need to be made aware of that. They may not act how I want or believe the things I believe and I don’t have to concern myself with that either. To be honest they probably still don’t like me but we are getting along, we show mutual respect and our days are happier for it… but 99 times out of 100 it is you who will need to take the first step to make others feel good.
You reap what you sow.
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muscle memory - I knew one thing that solved everything, getting drunk and getting high, there was no second thought ever. No matter what happened in life good bad or indifferent it was like a reflex jerk to mix it with chemicals. When we decide to quit its really hard to see past that reaction and unfortunately that’s bc we are ignorant or naive to any other ways to think or act. For me that’s where having a daily plan of action came in, a new routine that had to be followed or else (The or else doesn’t bare thinking about). Slowly but surely after time and effort new doors would open and when certain situations would happen I would ask myself “Why don’t I try going down this road instead of the usual one?”
What’s the worst that can happen.
Turns out whatever direction I ended up going it was always better than getting wasted.
By daily repetition of the things that work we end up with a new knee jerk reaction, we end up with new happier memories and easier, less emotionally and mentally draining solutions to living life.
If you don’t have the answers yet then go talk to someone who does they’ll gladly suggest a better way but it’s up to you to accept it.
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Don’t forget what you are - A butterfly is a beautiful creature with freedom to fly but it will always have been a complete mess wrapped up in its dark lonely place. It can’t go backwards, once a butterfly always a butterfly and to change again would kill it.
22+ months of sobriety and life has ups and downs and I think more these days of trying to make the good times better and the bad times go away through the use of alcohol.
We can’t go back it will truly kill us, even if you physically survive you’ll die spiritually.
You’ll lose the ability to fly and all freedom will be gone.
Never forget where you came from… Your cocoon of self pity.
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What do I do to stay sober when the world goes wrong… Nothing.
The very least any of us can do is nothing this might sound counter productive but if the alternative is picking up your drug of choice then nothing is a bloody great thing to do.
We think too much and try too hard, we think we know how things should be and we try to shape people and events to our own desires. But there is no wrong or right in life only endless possibilities of circumstance that are all out of our control, what we do control is our reaction to them and if serenity is a little way down the path for you and anger and fear and doubt are your undisciplined thoughts at the moment then you got 2 options… Do something or do nothing… if your only option feels like picking up right now and you can’t see any other way out of this hell, if your not going to ask for help, if your not going to go to a meeting then your already doing nothing to help yourself, Don’t pick up this time just sit down hold on tight and do nothing… its OK bc wether you like it or not another something is going to come along shortly and make you get on with a bit more of life.
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