So the past couple of weeks has been rough, so I’m trying to deal with something and I have two Dr appointments today. My wife’s family shows up to take her to clean the church unplanned. I wanted my wife to go with me and support me today. Yet instead my aggravation caused an argument then my wife said she wasn’t going to either and maybe I have a preconceived idea of what love is, maybe I don’t understand the world around me but when things don’t go the way I want I get upset and I suppose part of my frustrations are expectations that really should be put into a different light. So now I’m frustrated, upset , emotional and having to go to scary Dr appointments without support unless she changes her mind.
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That is scary - it’s frightening when we’re walking in early days, being sober, when the numbness of our addiction is gone and we are just starting to practice the self-awareness and steadiness to live life as a human being, without running away.
It is scary taking those first steps. It’s like learning to swim.
Can you stay in the shallow end? Is there someone in your recovery group (SMART, AA, Dharma, etc etc) who can go with you?
And even if you do have to go alone, is there something soothing you can bring with you, like a self-soothing kit - helpful for keeping us sensitive people grounded in life:
You choose items that are meaningful to you.
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All disappointment begins with mismanaged expectations.
I chose sobriety, and I have to do the work, which includes taking “life” as it comes. I am thankful for the support I receive from those who matter most, but I try to remember that I am not the only one dealing with life’s pressures and challenges.
In early sobriety especially, I had to remember that for the worst times of my drinking, my wife was pretty much keeping things together solo, including parenting our daughter. Not only did I have to do my sobriety work, I also had to take on more stuff. I did the laundry, grocery shopping, ran other errands, took care of paying some of the bills, basically adult stuff. She had earned her time, and how she chose to spend it was up to her. If she wanted to spend it with me, awesome. If she didn’t, no worries. These were my expectations, so there weren’t any disappointments, and fewer frustrations were the fruits.
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Hey Travis I’m sorry you’re feeling unsupported and afraid, I have also felt like that at times in my life. While I read your post I was nodding my head because you were so right when you said…
I have found having expectations of other people causes a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment my life. Nothing good comes from my expectations of others. Over the last 2.5 years I have learned to let those go and my life has become much easier. It’s not fair to others that we expect things from them nor is it fair to us that we expect things from others. “Live and let live.”
The fear piece is something else I suffered a lot with when I first got into recovery. My whole life was rooted in fear; all of my reactions, and actions. There’s this simple fact… Fear and faith can not live in the same moment. So whenever we are in fear we are living without faith and that is something that we can redirect. I have been able to do that through breathing, prayer, meditating, things like that.
I know that it probably seems far out there to you but you are never alone as long as you have your phone in your pocket and this app on your phone. You have all your TS family with you to take to your appointments to stand beside you through any good and /or bad. That’s the beauty of this community we are always here.
I hope your appointments go well today, I will be watching your thread here for an update.
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Thanks so much
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Well I made it to the first one gave me some preventative protection meds and then said everything looked fine at the second one now with amazing results in my future I hope.
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Wooooohoooo!
Awesome, Good stuff.
Oh wait… you’re still there!
Haha I read too fast… I will check back when I get home finger crossed!!!
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Amazing reports however what I do have an issue with is still trying not to get agrivated at the wife… She is playing the not speaking to me treatment cause of earlier I guess but I even brought her a pack of ciggerettes cause I knew she didn’t have any I just don’t understand some people and the way they think… How can someone be like that toward someone they supposedly love honor and cherish 
maybe
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Happy to hear all the appointments went well. That was a thoughtful gesture to get your wife smokes. I am not sure about you but during active addiction I caused my loved ones a lot of grief, it took sometime to rebuild relationships. Everyday I just kept doing the next right thing and as long as I knew that I was living by spiritual principles and keeping my side of the street clean it didn’t matter so much what everyone else was doing. I just focused on healing myself and gave up trying to figure people out. Eventually everything settled into place.
Congrats again on your appointments very pleased for you.
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With me I had a lot of that the first 6 months but now I want more I want an actual partner not just a room buddy a spouse is suppose to look out for each other and let each other know if something is going on… Or at least my thoughts but I started my recover through CR in church which showed me a lot of empathy…
No, I am not, you?
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I am, it was a large part of my recover
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Yes and she says things like oh so our relationship is a problem
That’s awesome, I have definitely leaned heavily on spirituality through my recovery. Finding my way and what works for me has been a journey all on its own, but I have found peace within through applying specific principles to my daily living.
I’m sorry that your relationship with your wife is strained, it sounds difficult.
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It’s fine but as you can see I can’t vent to her and she has always been my best friend makes it rough … But if anyone has advice for self help book etc about getting a spouse to open up and validate would be awesome I’m trying here
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I don’t mean to be unkind here Travis but I will be direct:
Stop focusing on what you think your wife should or shouldn’t be doing.
That doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help her. Ultimately none of us can be in charge of another person’s life. The only life we are responsible for and the only one we can control, is our own - so dwelling on what we think other people should or shouldn’t be doing, is a waste of energy we could be using to work on ourselves (which is where change happens, and which is the only way we can influence our world, including the people in it).
You have one job: your health and your functioning life (which means, your sobriety - because that’s what sobriety is: health, and functioning life). Anything else - including focusing on what you think other people should or shouldn’t be doing - is a distraction that will hold you back.
Take care and don’t give up. Take it one day at a time and keep focusing on taking your next right step.
Edit to add: if you need people to listen with and talk to, join a recovery group Resources for our recovery or Online meeting resources. There’s so many good ones and they’re filled with people who have been exactly where you are 
I’d like to disagree I have other jobs and responsibilities because I have a wife and child. But yes I do see where your coming from.