This is a very honest post. Your ability and willingness to be honest and vulnerable on this platform never ceases to amaze me. I think it is very brave of you.
Unfulfilled expectations are very painful, especially within relationships. Have you told your wife how much you really want her to come with you to the beach, how you feel without her there, what it would mean to you, etc?
I just ask because I’ve been on the other side with my husband. It wasn’t until he was willing to tell me how sad and lonely he felt going to certain events/gatherings without me, that I knew it had importance for him. I was always invited (I’m generally invited to most things), but I had no idea it actually mattered either way to him that I go or not.
It sounds like you’re in an introspective time. You’re figuring out who you are as a sober person and what your wants and needs are. It’s good, but hard when other people stay the same and have no interest in changing. There seems to be a lot to unpack and figure out in this new light and understanding. Hang in there.
First time I’m reading this thread bc I’m not affected by a loved one who’s an addict. Then again I might be, even though it’s not my partner. I can relate to a lot you write Eric. Thanks so much for sharing. Honest and raw as fuck AF. Thought provoking.
I could say that too. While my mum wasn’t a monster. Not at all. This made me think maybe I am the monster here. Many times. I don’t think I am but stuff is complicated. Thanks again for your openness and honesty. Love.
Oh wow, I love that you are gifting your self the release of the Serenity Prayer.
Let go, or be dragged.
So much of what I read when you post about your wife and your marriage, I relate to. So often I think, Damn is he married to me? Or am I him? Your life experiences resonate deeply for me (tho I don’t always express that by responding).
I just wanted to let you know, I hear you and I appreciate you and your healthy sharing here. Your experiences help me so much on my journey. Thank you.
And yes, it gets tiring…our work on our selves, our work on our relationships. It is okay to just release it and let life flow as it will.
Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a “good” parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a “loving” spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a “caring” child to want to pitch in when we are ill or overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.
This is an excerpt from my Al-Anon “Courage to Change” reading for today. Thank you again, Eric.
This is kinda my life, except reversed. I was the alcoholic and my husband was the sober half of the relationship. He drank on occasion, but never had the day-to-day problem I had. I’m sure there must’ve been expectations he had of me, but he never forced any issues, just quietly went along with my drinking and always made sure I never ran out of liquor. It’s not that our marriage worked perfectly the way it was, but I do believe it was pretty dang close to perfect for him… definitely not for me. The times when I slowed down or wanted help with quitting have been some of the worst times in our relationship. If I came out of my stupor for too long, I realized all the reasons why I continued to drink. He’s all logic. Our sense of humor is miles apart. I’m creative and deep-thinking and empathic, while he’s a black and white thinker, a math and engineering genius and needs to create equations for things to be able to understand them. That doesn’t usually work when it comes down to feelings. And I can’t drink anymore to numb how this all makes me feel.
I love my husband with all my heart, and I know without doubt that he loves me. It’s just been hard stepping into this new phase of our life together. The dynamics have changed, I’ve changed, and he doesn’t like change. I’m trying to not have expectations of him, but it’s hard. He’s the person I’m closest to in this world, and talking about all these feelings to him doesn’t help. He mentally doesn’t have the capacity for understanding how he makes me feel. If it continues this way, it’s gonna be a long, lonely ride.
I’m just getting stuff out. Thank y’all for hearing me.
That’s what I’m talking about!!! Good one to start your New Year. It doesn’t matter what side of the coin your own. We get to learn from both sides of the coin when we’re sober right? Thanks for all your support, come back often when your up to it. I always get something from you.
Great thoughts and yours are always appreciated. I have to admit sometimes they are a little deep and hard to follow for me. But I get this, I think after a couple of reads.
Using the serenity prayer I’m hoping to practice what I preach and not focus on her drinking. Which takes the focus off of my recovery. I don’t focus on her drinking all the time. But when it gets me down coming here and releasing the feelings I have can be a way to manage it.
It’s strange sometimes I feel like the more I work on my sobriety the more I think, of her drinking, enters my mind. Maybe there’s a balance there that somehow needs to be worked out in my mind.
I also thought this morning. My mother was a child of a raging alcoholic. My grandfather loved the shit out of me. But he took me to bars when I was a kid. He didn’t by me drinks. But mom would have killed him. But mom smothered me with so much love and physical hugs and kisses where I would push her away. I mean as a little child I can still remember her stroking my hair and the comfort and love and security I felt. But then she forced it on me as I grew up and as a kid and teen and young adult I pushed that shit away. It was just too much and overwhelming for me. Embarrassing? Ya. That too.
Now my wife is totally the opposite. And as I mentioned she had a raging alcoholic mother. She doesn’t show love physically. To me anyway. There’s no question of her/our love towards each other. And now I find myself wanting the comfort and security that my mom so overwhelming dished out that I pushed away. What I’d like is a fucking happy medium. Anyway…. Don’t know where I’m going with this. But I thought it was interesting. One things for sure. Alcoholism fucks up kids!
Fuck alcoholism.
So once again I’m thinking too much about her drinking. Time to leave it behind. We talked at dinner last night. Of course she was drinking. Not drunk. But drinking. And my wife didn’t think we were or I was going to make this big change in our lives. She told me for the first time ever, that she thought I would have drank for my 60th birthday, 20 days into my sobriety. So I threw Stella under the bus @Its_me_Stella and blame it on you .
Jk . She thinks it was a TS team effort. And it was. Eventually she realized I had made up my mind to stop drinking and that a new kind of life was going to be in store. But she feels she didn’t have any say in the matter.
She’s seen my 2 new Al-Anon books. One about intimacy which I could tell bothered her. I just explained the books are for me. I need help and I need to read other peoples stories. We both agreed we love each other. That’s not the problem. Lots of quiet pauses. I know she was drinking. She couldn’t possibly talk to me about this sober. I suggested we talk when you haven’t been drinking for a couple of days. Just see how it feels. I got resistance. She says she likes drinking, and that she doesn’t want to stop.
Well, even though she was drinking and we chatted. There is still a little seed in there that got touched. Even if it’s just a little. I’m not holding on too much hope. Today anyway. I pray for her and us all the time. I know my partners routine. It was still a nice night for my soberversary dinner. And of course like a doofus I thought later yes we love each other. No question about it. But we don’t know how to feel and show love to each other. Maybe next time. I’m not good at these conversations either.
So I got that going for me
Wouldn’t it be great when you reach 30 plus years of marriage you were rewarded by knowing what your partner wants without having to talk about it. I mean C’MON!! We basically think and know everything else the other one is going to say. Why can’t God just give us this too?
Now maybe I can let this go for awhile. Enjoy the rest of the afternoon without thinking about it.
Just to reiterate this thread is for ANYONE who wants to express their feelings about being affected by a loved one who drinks. No need to reply to my posts if you don’t want to. Just let out your own story if your willing and feel better. Never any judgement here. Just real life stories.
Simple steps. The dinner was a step forward. Even though the saying is that people don’t change, people do change and can change. Grow Is probably the better word.
Had a lot of thoughts since I’ve read your two post and right now I don’t feel going into the thoughts.
Intimacy encompasses so much. There are different kinds of intimacy. There are different ways to have intimacy and to share/ give it.
You want to go for a walk on the beach. With her. Sunset. Would you compromise and do it earlier in the day. Would she agree to that.
Could you stand 3 feet apart and hold each other’s hands. Maybe so maybe not.
What do we all want? A lot of us would just like to be treated like we treat our pets. Snuggled petted, pampered things like that.
That’s too much sometimes when it hasn’t been like that.
She may have needs she feels like aren’t getting met. It might be you each could put four different needs on pieces of paper. Color coded. Each of you could draw one of the other persons needs out of the jar and y’all can discuss it.
Or the other person could just read it and choose whether or not they wanted to discuss it or not. It might be too much for discussion.
But it would be opening it up a little more.
It’s not saying that there is a problem. It’s saying that there’s room for enrichment.
I was thinking that you two could get a book of a common interest. Sit on the couch close enough together where you can both look at the same book and read the book together or look at the pictures. You’re physically close to each other. Hopefully doing something that you could both enjoy.
If you feel like throwing your arm around her casually then do it. Simple things.
To me you have a lot, or a good bit, of intimacy in your relationship with a lot of your interaction.
But you’re missing some of the other types of intimacy.
It might be that if talking about these things is too difficult, you could be in two separate rooms and do it texting. Same room might be best.
Simple steps. With hope. And gratitude for each step that goes forward.
I totally understand that panic. My children know I’m on this app, and I’ve encouraged them to join in. I had a moderator delete a very personal thread I’d created, because although they know about past trauma in my life, I didn’t want it to be here in black and white for them to obsess and worry over. But my husband… no, absolutely not. I desperately need a safe place to share that’s just for me. I believe it’s ok to be selfish when it comes to my sobriety and my healing.
Wow, no way I would let anyone I know know I’m here and how to find me on TS. Like @SassyRocks sayed: This is my safe place I come to share and read.
Edit: Like @ShesGotMoxie sayed! I appologize
Your life experiences resonate deeply for me (tho I don’t always express that by responding).
