Have only read the preface and intro so far, but just that little bit made me think. I have all these feelings of resentment towards my husband and I’ve never really been sure why. But after reading a little, I wonder of this resentment I feel is a sign of codependency? Definitely something I personally want to explore as I read this book.
Book discussion: "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"
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Downloaded it. Read all the preface and intro. Definitely got me thinking. Have it on Audible as we!l so may well listen at work. I also started This Naked Mind the other day.
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I ordered the book, will not receive it until Wednesday but I’m about to browse the library and see if they have it until I receive mine.
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I’m sort of in the 12 Step seething thing. I dont wanna. But this sounded right. To each their own pace and space. This is where my head space is at, for the time being.
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I could relate to almost all of this Angie, I have this same issue with my household, and I literally am a parent and so I know exactly what you’re saying. But the above quote is like… summarizes my marriage in two questions/statements. Not necessarily “hygienic” but just who he is… And who am I to have the end all say on how things should be.
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One of my definitions of codependency: basing my mood on how others feel about me or how others feel in general.
My biggest issues with this book right now, I’m having a hard seeing how my codependency came about because I didn’t really have alcoholic parents. My sister’s drinking was crazy for about 8 years in my 20s and she was emotionally, physically, verbally abusive towards me growing up… She’d spit in my face, laugh at my failures, open doors in my face, we fought physically a lot until I got stronger than her.
Then in my 20s she wasn’t much better. Everything was always my fault. She started crying and getting angry at me on my wedding day, calling me a bitch and a terrible person… When I felt I needed to seperate from my husband she called me up drunk, saying I was selfish and going to ruin my kids lives.
One thing that keeps popping up in the book is guilt and not admitting our problems… Guilt is my BIGGEST codependency issue. And literally the whole time I’m reading the book, I’m like “no this couldn’t have been caused by my sister that is unfair to her, it didn’t affect me that much, I’m making a big deal over nothing…I should have gotten over this years ago”.
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I wouldn’t call myself an empath, especially considering how much difficulty I have actually identifying the emotion someone’s feeling, but that sounds like how I ended up in a codependent situation. If someone was feeling something negative, I HAD to fix it, I felt totally responsible to do so. I was at the whim of others’ emotions and wasted my energy and wrapped my life around people. It is way way harder to UNwrap, I’ve learned.
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That’s how I feel too, I don’t cut myself some slack, but then I read what I wrote and I’m like 
denial much lol
And those are really big-huge really, things you went through. That is scary and so much to handle especially as a child😞
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yes!! I always thought I was just really empathic, now I see why it’s a problem and goes beyond empathy.
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Good morning (EST) everyone! I just wanted to say that I am so pleased and proud of everyone here that is taking to this book with an open mind and heart and letting themselves REALLY think about themselves in a different way. I know (dang, do I know!) it is hard, challenging, upsetting and confusing to return to certain memories and try to piece together our lives. It’s like 
I don’t mean to sound cliched, but this is a safe and supportive place where we can all process (to the extent we feel able or comfortable to do so in writing, or not) some of these thoughts, feelings and experiences that have impacted us so deeply. Absolutely without judgment.
Thanks to everyone that has shared so openly and honestly so far. It’s also ok for those that do not wish to do so, but I do hope that everyone is getting something useful out of this. I know I sure am.
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I recently broke off a co-dependent relationship with someone who was the CD while I was the AAD, as you put it. When he was with me, he literally could never stop moving. He’d go through my recycling to make sure that was organized correctly, run around and clean stuff, jump onto projects I had going to “help me” get them done, it was a constant barrage of busy and interference in my space. I had to tell at him to stop and explain to him that his busybodying was exhausting, and that it makes me feel completely disrespected that he thinks he can come into my house and decide for me what I need or how I need to live. He said it was stuff that needed to be done, and I said no, its stuff ge thinks needs to be done but in all honesty, it was stuff I personally didnt care about, was just fine living with, and basically felt like he was using this crap as an excuse to feel useful to me/needed by me. All it did was frustrate me and drive me further away. I think co-dependents place way more value on meaningless stuff than non co-dependents in order to feel valued. Problem is, when the rest of us don’t “appreciate” it on their terms, they get mad. I’ve been on both sides of this, but I’m just relaying my latest experience and revelations as I read through these stories, and add to this discussion.
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So interesting to hear the experience from the other side of this. Super valuable. Thanks for sharing.
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Ch. 3 - This paragraph just felt like a punch in the chest. There was a fair amount of feeling oppressed as a kid, I guess. I was expected to hold it together, make sure secrets were kept, etc. In my family. I get anxious about some of these things - like “did you tell so-and-so about this?” To my kids, when they have every right to talk about their lives/express their needs with others. For example, I like things to be private, but is that born out of an unrealistic need to control based on my upbringing? I also feel amazed at the sense of 0lace folks seem to have in the world, where I often feel like I always need permission/shouldn’t assume it’s OK to do things (this has severely limited my spontinaety, ability to relax, or just have fun, take fun and healthy risks). I see where my controlling behavior could stem from just the things in this paragraph alone. Oy.
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I believe this is finally starting to get to the root of the problem for me personally. I’ve been going to therapy for years, and I just recently got sober. But I have been trying to figure out for the longest wtf is wrong with me. I’ve always been drawn to men that I felt like I could “save.” I accepted more and more abuse with each relationship getting progressively worse, and me not understanding why I was just a “magnet” for guys with problems. I’ve read a lot on neuroscience and how we chemically program our brains to accept this as normal, and that throughout time that normal progresses into more craziness. I literally cried today listening to this book because there were so many stories in the beginning that I could say, “I know exactly how that feels,” to. I’ve been trying to figure this out about myself for the longest, and I’ve even told my therapist I feel like I’m just crazy and have something wrong with me because no matter what has happened with any of my relationships in the past, I can’t ever break free unless I’ve been “fortunate” enough for the guy to leave me… but I still chased them after that until another came along to keep me from going back. This book is so eye opening… I just didn’t know how ready I was to finally start to accept it. So now I’m trying to dig deeper into my childhood to figure out what caused the codependency in the first place. I remember my dad yelling a lot. I remember catching my mom hiding in the bathroom crying. My dad always seemed so angry. I remember feeling like he hated me at one point. My mom told me later as an adult that there was a point she looked into divorcing him. I don’t know all the details, but I know she caught him growing pot at one point. My current husband was a big alcoholic when we met, and an even bigger pot head. For some reason in relationships, I have always just mirrored the men around me. I become them and lose my identity. I came across a video of me when I was in another serious relationship - I talked like that guy… I dressed like the girlfriend of that guy… etc. I realized when I saw that video that I have always done this and I started balling my eyes out. It’s like I lost my identity along time ago, and I just try to make myself fit in where I land. Now, I didn’t turn into a pot head with my current husband because I’ve just never had much of a taste for it, but I would get blackout drunk with him, though mine calmed down a bit more than his over the years. The pot became a huge point of contention because of the way he would do it around the kids and while he was driving and stuff (I grew out of driving under the influence of anything long ago). But it’s kind of strange that this was a problem my dad had I guess and really every one of my exes had the same issue with pot… I guess that is where my codependency lies.
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I’m breathing a sigh of relief for you. I am feeling similarly. It’s both exciting and overwhelming for me, and perhaps you, too. But man, this book!!
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It’s definitely eye opening! I hope this helps me truly heal once and for all.
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Getting my book today and I CANNOT WAIT !!!
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Can’t wait to hear your take on it… And everyone else’s as well.
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My book didn’t arrive yet! 
Hey all.
Had a bump in the road unfortunately. Recommitting to the thread and to my own journey.
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