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Just made it in time to check in sober on day 14 
Had an awful experience yesterday right after a womenās AA-meeting, as one of them recognized me in the meeting. Sheās best friends with my brother and his girlfriend and asked them for my phone number. She told them sheād seen me there and they gave her my number without my permission, so my sense of security and/or trust is precisely zero at this point. Iām so angry and sad. I broke ties with my family a few years back and Iām a little afraid this news will reach my mom. Itās my fucking process and I just want to share this stuff when I feel ready to share, not because I feel obligated because Iām scared someone else will tell her. Alcohol isnāt even my DOC, btw. It just felt nice to be able to join a meeting with women only, up until this point. Stayed up and cried all night long, fell asleep for a few hours at 7:30 AM.
Today was total crap. Tomorrow will be another day.
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187ā¦ i have a case of the fuckits today, trying to stay busy in the sunshine working on things. I have no desire to drink just have there blahs i guess. Have a great day everyone.
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That sucks in a myriad of different ways. She had no right and also violated an obligation to the program and to that group. Thereās no way to undo it, but your feelings are so valid.
I also hate that there is such a stigma behind addiction. I mean cāmon world, Get.Over.It. already. We built the problem. Why are we so afraid of it? If there was no stigma, youād have no reason to be sad. 
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Checking in! Still here, Thank God. Remembering to ask āPlease,ā and tonight will say "Thank you. I have been experiencing insomnia - staying up till about 130am every day, then still have to wake up early. It made me grumpy this morning, but Iām ok now. Anything that life throws at me today, I can handle. I know it. I feel so good, physically and mentally (for the most part). I was cleaning today and realized that I have put off so many things bc of drinking. When I was in those days I just kind of felt like a mess and was so tired out. I didnāt want to do much! Any of you experience this? Now that Iām getting myself ārightā I want to get everything clean from top to bottom!
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Thank you. Iāll be joining this meeting again on Sunday and Iām gonna share my experience. It should be a safe space for everyone involved. Youāre right about the stigma as well. Thank you for understanding and for your kind words, I appreciate that!
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Pff, I felt a little overwhelmed as she pointed out she recognized me during the meeting. I didnāt know her before, so I even told her I felt happy for her to have found this meeting, as it was so helpful for me being around those women. Later on it hit me what had happened, how she got my number. Iām not able yet to tell her in the way I want to, calm and respectful as Iām so emotional and angry right now. I need to make peace with it first. I did tell her to leave my shares within the group though and Iām not even gonna mention it was her in my share on Sunday. Iām just gonna say it was āa fellaā, but they all witnessed her pointing me out, so the women who were there will know, as will she.
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Day 282. Picking my bike up this afternoon, and deciding how far I want to go on Saturdayā¦I havenāt ridden in years, so I donāt want to overdo it.
Have a strong day!!!
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Man, I really understand this. I still classify myself as āan addictā around my parents because I donāt know how they would react to their son being a sex addict. gasp
My roll in my community is high profile at times and I live in a very small community. Anonymity is almost impossible.
I truly empathize with that desire for recovery on your terms. Unfortunately, life doesnāt happen on our terms. The universe usually has other plans. You might not be able to trust your family. That makes sense. But beware of resentment, it is the thing that most often led me to relapse. But do you have trust in your higher power that things are going to turn out alright?
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7M 6D/ Started back at my main job today. Feels great to be back after a month or so away from here. I took the time to hone the Philosophy that Iāve been putting into practice.
I received a phone call from my older sister in regards to my father who is a poor heart. He checked into the hospital (he lives in Puerto Rico) and my other sister who lives there is on top of things. I know the day will come when he will pass away. Could be a day, month, year or 2 from now. Iāve accepted this for he himself told me to mourn him by living the best life that I possibly can and I will honour that. I also have to be strong for my siblingās. I know all of em will take this extremely hard. Iām not going to kid myself and say that I wonāt cry and feel a huge loss for my father is a great man. Iāll cross that bridge when I get thereā¦
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Donāt have it in me to catch up at the moment. Checking in at 0.24 days.
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What kind of bike man?
Congratulations on 4 months
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Same man same, relate like crazy
Great job on 110 days!!!
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1985 Fuji Sagres. Itās a tank.
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Thank you.
Yes I absolutely do have trust in my Higher Power. I know all this happens for a reason.
Being an addict isnāt really the problem (well, by that I mean itās my problem and at least Iām working on it.) My family doesnāt (or didnāt) even know about my drug problem and as of last year, when my mom got sick weāve actually been talking to one another every now and then. I know my mom loves me, she just has a hard time showing affection or emotion.
The real problem is the stigma. Itās the whole toxic family system and the way some people feel the need to talk or put others down to make themselves feel better instead of working on their own issues. Iāve never really felt a sense of belonging and even though it hurts sometimes Iām okay with being the black sheep. I just needed to learn how to love myself and thatās why I cut ties with my mom and siblings. Iām just not sure how my mom would respond when sheād find out about my drug problem. Not by hearing it from me, but from someone else. Iām just not ready. I havenāt started working the steps yet and Iām only 14 days in, so the timing is not great, but well thatās the story of my life.
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This is a part of my story too. Iām sorry you have to face this. Accepting the members of our family as they are, wherever they are at on their journey, is fucking hard. Things may appear very evident in they way they approach life. I can spot my parentās judgement because I have a huge defect with judgementalism. I can spot my dadās rage because I have a problem with it too.
But I canāt control them no matter how right I might be. No matter how eloquently I might point out their flaws. Best I can do is to show them the effect recovery has had on my life and maybe repair the damage Iāve done. Being an addict, Iāve been so selfish that I couldnāt have had a good relationship with the perfect parent. My best hope is that my relationship with the God of my understanding becomes a way to bring healing to all the people I care for who might suffer in the same ways I suffer.
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Day 148.
Iām usually checking in here when Iām at my worst. My check-ins are starting to have fewer and fewer days between them. I hope that I make it into 200s.
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