Checking in day 43 prayer and meditation time
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Day 266. So Friday night after I put the girls to bed. I looked at Snapchat and saw a story and my girls mother was in the snap out at a bar at 2 in the morning. I havenāt been with this girl In 4 years and it made me mad that she was out, I said yep sheās out cheating on her bf I kept imaging her hooking up with someone and even today when I went and lifted I thought about it. Like why the fuck am I worrying and thinking about that ? This girl isnāt my fuckin problem anymore, she isnāt out cheating on me. Yes I was terrible to this girl in my addiction, but she cheated on me so much it fucked my mind up. Told me I was fat, a useless father, wouldnāt let me sleep after working night shift, would have guys come over when I was at work, told me nobody liked me, would always tell me I was lying or tell ppl I was crazy. And now I feel fucking crazy that 4 years later I still let her bother me. Wtf Mike
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1.22 checking in .Taking the day off to try and gather myself.
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Thank you - yeah the dreams can get so real that I feel high when I wake up sometimes. I didnāt have that many bad dreams this last time around, so hopefully even less this time as had longer clean time. One can only hope they become less frequent, right.
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722 days alcohol, 2 days caffeine. Feeling much better than yesterday. Headaches gone. 
Day two fasting. Diabetes holidays.
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Itās the mother of your girls Mike. You were terrible to each other as you say. Now itās demons from the past. Only logical thereās emotions in it for you. Please be glad you moved on to a better life and a better life style. For yourself and for your girls. Have a good day friend.
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Certain people get under ur skin and stay there. U cannot help but react to them. It is natural, u can only feel it, and allow urself to move on. And the hurtful things she said to u, were probably not true in the past, and are certainly not now. U are not crazy in the slightest for feeling these things.
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Go girl! 
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I can understand being dissapointed in seeing that; itās her freedom of choice though. Sheāll always be in your life so youāll have to work at letting go of that resentment. Let her be who she is; good and not so good.
We could all pick something bad out of our past weāre not proud of. Sometimes when youāre in the heat of an argument with your lover you want to hurt them and she knew where to strike to hurt you most.
Theyāre not the truth of who you are now. Know that, Mike!
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Rooting for you from over here!
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Thatās why I am so mad at myself. The old Mike would of probably been drunk and texted her and called her nameās. I didnāt bring it up to her nor would, I do accept her for who she is. But mad at myself for still letting it get to me. Especially because of all the work I have put in. Iām mad because itās none of my business who, where. Or what sheās doing. Maybe it bugs me bc I donāt want my girls seeing or being around that, she will take the girls around different guys behind her bfs back, I know this bc autumn my oldest slips up about it sometimes. And she brain washes autumn that isnāt ok to talk about it. I geuss just be grateful the girls were with me Friday
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We had some of that in the higher elevations here in Vermont today! Thankfully Iām in a valley and we just have frost.
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Danni, Iām sending you strength girl.
Your growth is amazing.
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Good morning TS folks. Iām starting day 2. 
š¤¦š¤¦š¤¦ I relapsed again this weekend. I made it most of the way through day #4 then ended up going to my āfriendās/dealerāsā house and picked up some pills. I spent money I didnāt really have and then Friday to get more I went to coinstar and returned bottles so I could afford more. I kept spending and getting high all weekend and now today I feel terrible and guilty about spending almost $300 on pills. Iām trying not to beat myself up too much but I am so disappointed that I gave in. Iām going to check in twice a day from now on. Iāll do a morning check in and an evening check in before bed. I think maybe a little more accountability will help. Iām going to take it easy today and just work on getting better. It wasnāt a long time again this time so withdrawals shouldnāt physically be too bad. Iām tired and I feel drained. I am mad at myself for not being stronger. Hope everyone has a Magnificent Monday. 
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I wonder if your concern is more tied to the fact that she is the mother to your girls? Youāre connected to her because of that and she sets the example for them. That would be super frustrating to see based on that. In terms of the past and how she treated you, I think you know what holding on to those feelings will do, only bring you down in your recovery. Hang in there, Mike. Glad youāre here and sharing what is troubling you.
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Thanks I agree. Maybe itās time to ask for some help in step work and see if it will actually help me with a sponsor
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Briella, have you thought about what you can do differently? Nothing changes if nothing changes, as they say. I hear your struggle and also hear you going back to the approaches you have tried, hunkering down, trying to feel better and get your head straight. What other work will you put in to your recovery to work on getting better? Checking in here is a great start. Reading recovery lit and watching YouTube/TED talks was and still is helpful for me. Something to consider.
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Good idea. Sorry if I just repeated what others said already. Didnāt mean to pile on! We just all care a lot about you and want to help.
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Checking in - Day 7. Spoke with my sponsor last evening and started working the steps. I feel good about it. Itās giving me more of a focus and more structure, which is what I needed. Still going through ups and downs like everyone else, but trying to be patient with myself. Stay strong and keep fighting everyone 
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