Hello Jonathan, You have expressed perfectly what I have heard so many alcoholics say before. That we don’t want one drink, we want oblivion. Knowing this helps me surrender to the powerlessness I experience over alcohol. And that gives me hope, because if I can admit my powerlessness, then I can become willing to change.
11 Likes
I’m going through the same. We’re sober near-twins (I’m Day 313) and I’m struggling with the same thoughts.
For me, I think it is several things. First, with 1 year sober on my horizon the temptation is to think “I’m doing well with this sobriety thing” and so let me guard down. Second, I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (on top of depression) so the shorter days, lack of sunshine, being stuck indoors, etc. impacts my mood and fuels my desire to escape these feelings with alcohol. Third, this time of year has lots of holidays, family gatherings, parties, etc. and many of them have alcohol. So the temptation is more pronounced. Don’t know if any of these may be affecting you as well.
Lastly, this is a difficult time for me personally. All three of my kids have birthdays this month/next plus there is Christmas, etc. But I’m kept away from them as my ex-wife moved with them to another country (they’re in the UK, I’m in the US). So the feeling of separation is more pronounced this time of year - and even worse this year due to Covid and travel restrictions preventing even a brief visit.
What I’ve learned is that Nov-Jan is the time for me to step up my vigilance and not let me guard down even for a moment. Reach out to me if you need to chat - together we can get through this!
16 Likes
Day 156 clean and sober today. Remembering what an old sponsor had told me years ago and it makes so much sense now. He and I were talking about life in general and I said “Knowledge is power” and he said “No… Knowledge plus action is power…” and I was all dayuuum that’s some deep shit right there. I related to it currently because I’ve been reading so much on how to feel better but still haven’t gone back to “doing” what made me feel better before lol. So last night I did 2 sets of 20 on my ab wheel roller thing and did 11 pushups. Mind you I was doing 550 every other day before but a beginning is a beginning and I’m good with that. Had breakfast with the guys next door at the treatment center and it felt good to not isolate and be around recovery and laughter. I heard that relapse actually starts weeks or months before the actual physical using does and I truly believe that I’ve been in relapse mode quite frankly and I’m so grateful to have the chance to see it and handle it before it’s to late. Have a super wonderful day everyone, love you guys!!! 
23 Likes
Congratz on making it this far man with all the things going on in your life.
I am not looking forward to the holiday season as I did in the years before I got sober.
I used to drinl a ton during the months of december/january. ‘To get in the christmas mood’ I told myself. All the family gatherings and parties were filled with booze. Even on the quiet evenings at home I’d get really drunk. Just for the fun and the christmas spirit.
I don’t know how I’m gonna stay sober during this years holiday season.
Add the whole covid pandemic, recent break up with my ex and the stress of a house we need to sell to the equation and tell me those arent reasons to drink. Big time.
Life kicked me in the nuts this year. Only good thing is I got sober in january and I’m still alive.
7 Likes
Congratulations Courtney that’s amazing!!! I know you’ll pull through this, you’re so strong!!! Get some rest and be good to yourself today and know that we all love and appreciate you here!!!
2 Likes
Yeah, life may have kicked you in the nuts this year. It did me too. But is that a ‘reason’ to drink or an ‘excuse’ to drink?
I tried the “if you had my life you’d drink too” line of reasoning with my sponsor once and he mockingly replied “Poor me! Poor me! Pour me another drink!” He acknowledge that yes, we all face times when life truly is unfair. The test is how we respond when it happens to us.
You said the ‘only’ good thing is that you got sober. While I doubt that is the only good thing you had happen this year, even if it was that’s a pretty damned good one! And in a few weeks you’ll be able to say that despite all the shit that has gone down in 2020 you went the whole year alcohol free!! Hang in there!
6 Likes
You too brother! I do wanna get to that milestone of one year!
Thank you for the support!
1 Like
I think of the holidays as truly just another day; if anything they should be treated even better than a normal day; clear, present and no mind altering needed!
2 Likes
Such denial…
If you don’t have addiction why be here??
4 Likes
You are right. Makes it easier to get through those days!
1 Like
Day 15… Yesterday I went to my second meeting and it was really good, but now Im feeling so sick, my dead hurts and Also my stomach… Im feeling like hangover, is this mental? Should I take something? Maybe im overthinking this days, im normaly feeling really good… But not today, how ever Im getting my mom and boyfriend trust back, and that feels amazing.
16 Likes
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
(Einstein)
@zzz- your play!
5 Likes
Day #79 checking in. Sorry I missed yesterday. You know what I noticed? Sundays used to be fraught with anxiety for me. And now I spend them in the nicest ways - lingering over a 2nd cup of coffee, putting clean sheets on the bed, reading, going for long walks, finishing the night with a bubble bath and a good book along with a cup of hot chocolate. (So far, Starbucks from COSTCO is my favorite.) A peaceful Sunday to all!
17 Likes
Sounds like you’re doing well.
Did I miss your COVID-19 results? Are you feeling well then?
Congratulations on 79 days. Enjoy your Sunday. I’m going to try to do the same. Enjoy my Sunday that is.
1 Like
Well done on 9 months, Courtney. 
2 Likes
D 890
Stretching done, running done, work done, Chief’s run done, laundry done, meals prepped. The perks of being an early riser, especially on the weekends - all the responsibilities are wrapped by noon!
Now it’s time for football (Go Raiders!), food, and enjoying the Alice in Chains “Facelift” repress that just came out on Friday. First pressing since it’s original run in 1990, been waiting a long time for that one!
Have a great sober Sunday, all.
27 Likes
The twelve-year-old me is giggling because today is day 69! Got that out of the way, tee tee hee, phew! I’m getting excited about the holidays, particularly the idea that I’ll be sober this time. No more grand plans for special meals foiled by too much booze, no more sloppy drunk tears, no more obsessing over how much booze is in the house and whether it’s “enough” (hint, it’s never enough), no more trying to act sober when on the phone with family or feeling too sick and hungover to even answer the phone, etc. etc. I know it is going to be an emotional time, but we’ve been away from family for many of the holiday seasons over the years, so that’s nothing new. I am, however, getting reacquainted with my sober tears and the real emotions behind them, and it’s okay when they show up for a bit now. I am continuing to feel comfortable being sober and have detached myself when I romanticize drinking by doing that “playing the tape through” activity. I know where that road leads and I think I’ll stay on the road I am on. It is scenic and I might remember having traveled this one, more than not.
@TSan thanks for your 50 day share today - I appreciated what you said and related to it. The more people share that they don’t want to forget where they’ve been so they don’t repeat it the more I am reassured that my thinking is on point, as well. Congrats and I’m glad you’re here. Feel better!
@Dragonflygirl82 I am glad you feel safe to vent here to us when things get hard, and I hope you got your day off today.
27 Likes
You got me feeling nostalgic … Alice and Chains and the Raiders. Go Bills!!
1 Like