This hits hard. How the hell did I have time to drink and be hungover, I wonder now. By being a pale version of myself in all situations.
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Sorry for the late reply. I really do understand what you mean and I do try to accept things I know I need to try harder, I will be honest that no I do not see my relapses coming but also do not try as hard as I should to stop them, I mean I’ll sit there and say don’t do it Mike don’t do it it’s not worth it and then do it anyways. I know I need to stop making excuses and work harder and work my steps, my first year I really felt I was working hard and improved greatly but idk what happened I really don’t. I don’t see lessons like ppl say life is teaching me, I know I feel stuck, I’m scared of everything I’m scared to leave my house. I’m so codependent on my mom it’s ridiculous, I hate myself and I have hated myself since I was about ten years old. Everyday when I wake up I feel so ugly and disgusting and like a pig and when I go outside I feel everyone hates me. I’ll look at myself when I’m walking in the street in the windows when I’m passing and just see how gross I am. And even when I got sober the first time and was working out so hard bc I thought my looks was the issue to my self esteem I still felt the same way. I try to validate myself in having sex with multiple girls thinking it makes me attractive. I know I have a bunch of work to do. I don’t ever want to give up, I want to love myself and seriously stay sober and be a great person, I feel so different then everyone, I’m 32 and just feel so dumb and like I have a major disability. I know in your eyes you see excuses and someone who isn’t trying or w.e but I really do want it and yes I do use excuses alot and that’s just bc I don’t know how to put the work in. It sounds dumb but I really feel like I need someone right by my side showing and teaching me. I’m on day 3 and going to a meeting tomorrow, and then I’m scheduled may 10th for st Joe’s and I’m looking forward to seriously opening up and getting myself on the right track
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How did i let this happen
Why did i wait this long
What now
So overwhelmed. Feels like no time has passed since 30 days. Even though i was aware and got. a haircut, and a bagel, to celebrate. Overwhelmed. Still messy. Still drop things and forget everything and spill drinks on myself. This is normally when i make excuses, if i am already fucked up i might as well have weed. WhY!! Why sabotage and give up on myself instead of building resilience. People got hurt. Heartbreak. Just be better and remember how small you are, what you can control.
One more day and its the weekend for me. Outside all day which is nice.
Thank you
Thank this space for existing and all the support that has been here.
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I am glad u are getting professional help. It is ok to not know what to do. I was totally helpless when I first joined aa. My sponsor told me to write a list, I wrote a list. She told me to underline stuff, I underlined. I really needed someone else to take the wheel. I also really understand hating yourself. I also thought I was so ugly I would avoid mirrors and windows. I would observe myself in social interactions berating myself for being awkward and boring. It took time to build up confidence, and I am still working on it. But as you have found out, getting fit, or sleeping with people, these external things will not help you. You have to work on it yourself, internally. Hopefully professionals can give you some tools and it won’t happen overnight, but by relapsing you are just picking up sticks to beat yourself with. You are a decent person, and little by little you can recognise good things you are doing in your life and build confidence.
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10 days smoke/nicotine free!! Woohoo!
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It’s hard to read what you think about yourself. I can relate a lot. It doesn’t help. I actually never understand the term of working harder on sobriety. I couldn’t find an image of this. For loving myself I try to be content with not hating myself each day. Getting into accepting myself and not feeling like I have to justify everything I do in front of an imaginary opponent.
I think willpower and hard work don’t keep me sober. They can carry me through hard moments but if I’d have to keep my guards up all day and night it’d be too exhausting. For me sobriety is learning to go with life, not trying to improve myself every day with clenched teeth. Not to compare myself to everyone and always lose the contest.
And this:
Gratitude for small thing. This is practice and hard work. There is this wonderful thread about it.
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Evening Check In
Day 79
Had a pretty good day I’d say. I stayed in pretty much all day but did do some random cleaning and then worked on another dreamcatcher order. Got the webbing done and tried to tie it into the red from the apple/wire word I made earlier. Really happy with the outcome actually. Its for a teacher (hence the apple) who loves coffee (the coffee cup charm) and the color purple. I didn’t even use a template for the design. I just winged it as I went along 
Watched a show with hubby and am now relaxing a bit. Have had a day long headache and not sure what that’s about. Grateful to be clean and sober and to be able to enjoy my days. It’s such an amazing feeling to not be a slave to drugs and to have my whole day consumed by them in one way or another. Here’s a sneak peek at my dreamcatcher I was working on today:
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Day 3.75 alcohol and weed free. I don’t like being told I cant…it makes me want to do whatever it is more. Thats how i am with pot and alcohol but hey ive come this far. GRANTED its not that long compared to the seasoned TS patrons but its a big step for me. Sorry if I annoy anyone with all my hearts and posts but a big trigger for me is loneliness so ive been diving in here. Be patient with my ignorance and outreach. I love this place. After using everyday my husband and i decided we would do sober january…after all its a temporary goal and not as scary as forever. Things went great and i felt joyful again after week 2. But then we had events in February and wanted to drink socially, then i was going to do sober march but lost my job…picked up the bottle that night. Back in step it eventually was drinking everyday, maybe a sober day because im too depressed and hungover but when i felt better again i wanted to celebrate with a drink. Here we are again, sober may. It helps me if its temporary but spending january here with you guys makes me realize its a bad habit and dare i say addiction. Coming to terms with this and possibly going more than a month. I guess there’s a movement called sober curious…anyways thanks to whoever made it this far. One day at a time.
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Sitting on day 5 this time around, My first bugging craving and all from a technician being hungover and I can smell the beer from him. It’s 2 pm, having a lemonade, 2 hours to go, then get my young one then head home. I just have to get home and I’m good.
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Good evening everyone
184!!!
I was thinking tonight that alcohol is not a solution for boredom. Alcohol does not work for celebration. Alcohol is not good for solving problems. It causes health and financial problems immediately. This is only a few of the reasons why I don’t drink anymore. Personally alcohol does not work anymore and has become Poison. Even with all of that said I still feel like I’m at war sometimes. I cannot let my guard down. It always wants to trick me. It always wants to bring me back. And I believe there is a change happening. Because all I really care about is staying sober.
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Never apologise for your recovery, we are all here for you and whatever helps you stay on track. Great work!!!
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Dare you say… you said it! A couple of days ago you didn’t think u could, so thats progress!!! Congrats boo
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I think that’s the main point actually. I think you’re a clever good looking guy who’s taking care of his two awesome daughters and your mum. And works his ass off to be better than what his surroundings wants him to be. You’re struggling like hell to rise above all the shit that’s going down all around you, every day of the year, your small town lowlife drugs and alcohol infused old “friends”, all the stuff that’s bringing you down. Working hard to make something of your life. You’re doing awesome. It’s only that you have to learn to see that yourself. Some treatment is just what you need I feel. Love you man.
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Getting ready to head into day 19 in a couple hours. Today was easier, and I wasn’t in a mood like I have been for the last 2 days. I’m going to blame PMS for fueling the attitude problem, for not allowing myself a drink to “feel better” about my moody uterus. TBH, I didn’t even know I suffered from PMS bc I’ve been numbed up on booze for years and years… wonder when It started 
welp! That’s a thing I know about myself now… gonna have to pay attention to that next month. Anywho, today was pretty good. Took the kiddo to school, went to work. Did payroll this am and gave out a couple raises for some hardworking fellas, that felt good. Caught up on a lot of other paperwork, and left work feeling accomplished. Got my kiddo from school and shopped the book fair before we left campus. She got 6 new books to read, and a super cool secret spy pen lolol, she’s very excited. Got home. Ate some leftovers. Watered my plants. Built a TV stand for my daughter’s room and got that corner all fixed up for her. Looks good!! Then I took a long hot shower by candle light while listening to some music and washed my hair! Today, the cravings were almost non existent. Like I thought about alcohol, but didn’t think about drinking it if that makes sense. So I would have to say that I’m proud of me today. I didnt do everything I set out to accomplish, the things I didn’t do can be done tomorrow, and the things I did do will make for a better tomorrow. So id call that a win!!!
Goodnight sober lovlies 
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1062
Coffee. No therapy Thursday today. It’s over. Kind of scary that I’m on my own again, although it’s great to have the day to myself. Think I’ll go for a little ride. Didn’t do that for a couple of weeks. Sober and clean.
I did have a outtake talk with one of the therapists yesterday. We agreed there’s some of my stuff left untouched by the schema therapy I just did. Stuff having to do with sexual abuse as a kid. We discussed possibilities of treatment for that and she told me to get a book dealing with the issue. Reading it now, breathlessly. Read half last night and will finish the rest later today. So much recognition it’s unnerving. But it’s also giving me hope that I can finally deal with that part of me as well.
Without my sobriety nothing of this would’ve been happening. Without you all I would not have been sober. Forever grateful and forever in your debt. Let’s have as good a day as we all can. One day at a time. Clean and sober. Pic is from my recent trip to the Czech Republic. Love from Luna and me.
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23 days love you all have a good day everyone 
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We are all different Mike, even with all our similarities!
It is hard when we build up these layers of hatred for ourselves. It just adds an extra set of things to unpick. And that is so draining. I have also struggled with self image and I don’t really know how I got out of that place. Over time I just really started believing that what other people think of me, particularly how I look, really is not my problem. I’m not the one who has to look at me 
Also that the way we look is the least interesting thing about us. Like it’s cool when people are gorgeous and have a really awesome sense of style etc… But is that really all I want to aspire to? Or what I want at all?
What I really want is to have love and light in my life, and to be able to share that with others. That’s something I can look for whatever I look like, whatever people think of me, however dysfunctional my relationships feel. It starts inside me and hopefully, eventually, radiates outwards to benefit people I care about (maybe also people that I don’t!). On bad days that might be as small as listening to a bird or a song I like, closing my eyes and feeling the air on my skin, or being tucked up cosy and warm in bed.
I’m not in that bad place right now and I’m not sure how I got from there to here. But here I am. It’s crazy to think that for so many years I just wished I was dead and now I feel almost optimistic for the future. I couldn’t imagine that happening, but it has.
I agree with @Englishd that acceptance is super important. We can only start where we are! And nothing about the future is certain. I came at this through the Buddhist philosophy route but I know AA and therapy usually have similar conclusions.
Keep going mate, you will get there 
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In my experience, that’s all you really need to do - as hard and frightening as it can be.
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I can remember after my 20 weeks of CBT stopped I felt a bit weird, like what next… So I can only imagine how it feels after so long! That’s good that you’ve addressed those next steps with the therapist. And got a book that you can relate to.
For now enjoyingI don’t know if it’s comparable but I found the lessons from CBT kept popping up months after finishing. So no rush the time you get back sounds like a good plan. Hope the sun is shining for you 
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@siand I love your attitude about appearance. I’m going to try and focus on your idea that this shouldn’t really be all we aspire to today instead of what I normally do whichbis panic about my weight. I always put on weight when I manage to stop drinking. But I guess if I stick at it long enough it will regulate in time. It scares me though that the scales can actually induce a craving in me to drink if I feel being sober is leading me to gain weight. I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t help it. Silly.
Day 9 for me. Happy to wake up sober today. Have a good day everyone
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