Hi day 3, better than yesterday still feel a bit all over the place like I’ve got someone else’s glasses on but I know this will pass.
Back to work tomorrow love my job but pub is right next door.
So I have asked my husband to come pick me up so I don’t go in after work.
Big hugs to everyone I’m glad I’m here x
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Quick check in before bed. Just scrolling through and seen so much awesome, too much to name check. You guys ROCK 
It’s been a busy week but so happy to be in our new home. It’s amazing here. Got that whole how to meet people and make friends thing bubbling away but I’m in a pretty good place mentally at the moment and happy to let that side of things happen when it happens. Stopping drinking was the first step to learning how to be in my own company. And tbh I’ve got more than enough to be getting on with here 
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Checking in at the start of day 3. Back to work tonight. Going to a meeting later. Feels good getting that poison back out of my system. 
ODAAT.
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Day 34 no weed
Day 5 no binges/starving
Day 3 no iced coffees (had to stop bc am too broke, 7.50/day was adding up)
Meditating daily is my therapy homework. I admitted yesterday to her that I’d already started slacking and restarting habits of having a few functional days then slowly and subsequently leaving out more and more ‘tools from my toolbox’, so to speak. Same with journaling and exercising.
Started back today with my meditation app and did 1.5 hrs of rigorous yard work that had me in a sweat at the end (calling that my work out for today), now just a few minutes of journaling is left.
I know this will all come together the more I practice mindfulness and just doing it even when I’m not motivated. Learning not to rely on motivation for initiative any more. Just doing it bc I need this.
35 days ago I would’ve freaked at the thought of doing all this. Today I’m thankful for just having the chance. Thanks everyone for all the support here. Sorry I’m only mildly engaged here lately. Turns out my life is hella busy when I’m sober enough to realize everything I’m supposed to be part of. Who knew lol?
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I feel like I write books too, but sometimes once you start pouring out ur day, there’s a lot more to it than u originally thought lol. But my recovery has been going well actually. I crave booze the most after work but I’ve been able to work thru it each time. So if I just keep doing that. Then I think I’ll be alright. Reading about everyone’s days or urges actually helps a lot more than I thought it would! So I look forward to catching up with everyone at the end of the day rather than catching up on that bottle lol
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I really relate to your post, thanks for sharing! Same here for why I haven’t been around as much. Upping my mindfulness activities has been an important priority and life things…well, they are important too 
Glad to hear you’re doing well and getting back to it after noticing you’re slipping into old behaviors. I’ve learned so much about how to identify this in myself and it’s probably the most important thing in maintaining my well being. 
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Tonight will be day 64 of no self harm.
I worked a little bit on math but I couldn’t think very much. Still nervous about my job interview. Hoping I’ll get the rest of the class done tomorrow after my interview.
If I don’t get this job I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I have to get out of this house. I know I still have to take time living here to save up the money, but I think I could take it as long as I knew I’m working towards moving out. But until I have job I’m just idling and the longer I’m here the more impossible it feels to get out.
I’m ok today. Feeling pretty numb. Not good, but it’s preferable to how I’ve been lately.
Something positive: I’m nearly done with statistics
Update: my family did their usual stuff and now I am back to wanting to die. So that’s cool I guess
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This hits hard. How the hell did I have time to drink and be hungover, I wonder now. By being a pale version of myself in all situations.
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Sorry for the late reply. I really do understand what you mean and I do try to accept things I know I need to try harder, I will be honest that no I do not see my relapses coming but also do not try as hard as I should to stop them, I mean I’ll sit there and say don’t do it Mike don’t do it it’s not worth it and then do it anyways. I know I need to stop making excuses and work harder and work my steps, my first year I really felt I was working hard and improved greatly but idk what happened I really don’t. I don’t see lessons like ppl say life is teaching me, I know I feel stuck, I’m scared of everything I’m scared to leave my house. I’m so codependent on my mom it’s ridiculous, I hate myself and I have hated myself since I was about ten years old. Everyday when I wake up I feel so ugly and disgusting and like a pig and when I go outside I feel everyone hates me. I’ll look at myself when I’m walking in the street in the windows when I’m passing and just see how gross I am. And even when I got sober the first time and was working out so hard bc I thought my looks was the issue to my self esteem I still felt the same way. I try to validate myself in having sex with multiple girls thinking it makes me attractive. I know I have a bunch of work to do. I don’t ever want to give up, I want to love myself and seriously stay sober and be a great person, I feel so different then everyone, I’m 32 and just feel so dumb and like I have a major disability. I know in your eyes you see excuses and someone who isn’t trying or w.e but I really do want it and yes I do use excuses alot and that’s just bc I don’t know how to put the work in. It sounds dumb but I really feel like I need someone right by my side showing and teaching me. I’m on day 3 and going to a meeting tomorrow, and then I’m scheduled may 10th for st Joe’s and I’m looking forward to seriously opening up and getting myself on the right track
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How did i let this happen
Why did i wait this long
What now
So overwhelmed. Feels like no time has passed since 30 days. Even though i was aware and got. a haircut, and a bagel, to celebrate. Overwhelmed. Still messy. Still drop things and forget everything and spill drinks on myself. This is normally when i make excuses, if i am already fucked up i might as well have weed. WhY!! Why sabotage and give up on myself instead of building resilience. People got hurt. Heartbreak. Just be better and remember how small you are, what you can control.
One more day and its the weekend for me. Outside all day which is nice.
Thank you
Thank this space for existing and all the support that has been here.
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I am glad u are getting professional help. It is ok to not know what to do. I was totally helpless when I first joined aa. My sponsor told me to write a list, I wrote a list. She told me to underline stuff, I underlined. I really needed someone else to take the wheel. I also really understand hating yourself. I also thought I was so ugly I would avoid mirrors and windows. I would observe myself in social interactions berating myself for being awkward and boring. It took time to build up confidence, and I am still working on it. But as you have found out, getting fit, or sleeping with people, these external things will not help you. You have to work on it yourself, internally. Hopefully professionals can give you some tools and it won’t happen overnight, but by relapsing you are just picking up sticks to beat yourself with. You are a decent person, and little by little you can recognise good things you are doing in your life and build confidence.
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10 days smoke/nicotine free!! Woohoo!
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It’s hard to read what you think about yourself. I can relate a lot. It doesn’t help. I actually never understand the term of working harder on sobriety. I couldn’t find an image of this. For loving myself I try to be content with not hating myself each day. Getting into accepting myself and not feeling like I have to justify everything I do in front of an imaginary opponent.
I think willpower and hard work don’t keep me sober. They can carry me through hard moments but if I’d have to keep my guards up all day and night it’d be too exhausting. For me sobriety is learning to go with life, not trying to improve myself every day with clenched teeth. Not to compare myself to everyone and always lose the contest.
And this:
Gratitude for small thing. This is practice and hard work. There is this wonderful thread about it.
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Evening Check In
Day 79
Had a pretty good day I’d say. I stayed in pretty much all day but did do some random cleaning and then worked on another dreamcatcher order. Got the webbing done and tried to tie it into the red from the apple/wire word I made earlier. Really happy with the outcome actually. Its for a teacher (hence the apple) who loves coffee (the coffee cup charm) and the color purple. I didn’t even use a template for the design. I just winged it as I went along 
Watched a show with hubby and am now relaxing a bit. Have had a day long headache and not sure what that’s about. Grateful to be clean and sober and to be able to enjoy my days. It’s such an amazing feeling to not be a slave to drugs and to have my whole day consumed by them in one way or another. Here’s a sneak peek at my dreamcatcher I was working on today:
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Day 3.75 alcohol and weed free. I don’t like being told I cant…it makes me want to do whatever it is more. Thats how i am with pot and alcohol but hey ive come this far. GRANTED its not that long compared to the seasoned TS patrons but its a big step for me. Sorry if I annoy anyone with all my hearts and posts but a big trigger for me is loneliness so ive been diving in here. Be patient with my ignorance and outreach. I love this place. After using everyday my husband and i decided we would do sober january…after all its a temporary goal and not as scary as forever. Things went great and i felt joyful again after week 2. But then we had events in February and wanted to drink socially, then i was going to do sober march but lost my job…picked up the bottle that night. Back in step it eventually was drinking everyday, maybe a sober day because im too depressed and hungover but when i felt better again i wanted to celebrate with a drink. Here we are again, sober may. It helps me if its temporary but spending january here with you guys makes me realize its a bad habit and dare i say addiction. Coming to terms with this and possibly going more than a month. I guess there’s a movement called sober curious…anyways thanks to whoever made it this far. One day at a time.
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Sitting on day 5 this time around, My first bugging craving and all from a technician being hungover and I can smell the beer from him. It’s 2 pm, having a lemonade, 2 hours to go, then get my young one then head home. I just have to get home and I’m good.
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Good evening everyone
184!!!
I was thinking tonight that alcohol is not a solution for boredom. Alcohol does not work for celebration. Alcohol is not good for solving problems. It causes health and financial problems immediately. This is only a few of the reasons why I don’t drink anymore. Personally alcohol does not work anymore and has become Poison. Even with all of that said I still feel like I’m at war sometimes. I cannot let my guard down. It always wants to trick me. It always wants to bring me back. And I believe there is a change happening. Because all I really care about is staying sober.
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Never apologise for your recovery, we are all here for you and whatever helps you stay on track. Great work!!!
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Dare you say… you said it! A couple of days ago you didn’t think u could, so thats progress!!! Congrats boo
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