Morning Check in
Day 156
Off to my CPI refresher training now. Slept like a baby honestly which is surprising bcuz of how Iām feeling. But itās another beautiful day here. The heat has toned itself down a bit so we finally have some relief. Hoping all goes well today. I usually despise hands on training so anything like CPR or CPI, the introverted part of myself hates it bcuz I have to do things on display and be tested on it haha BUT it needs to be done if I want to keep my job. Hope everyone has an addiction free day!
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Sorry to hear you are struggling. I am not sure exactly of the situation, is it a kind of f-you reflex? I sometimes donāt want to do something even if it is the right thing to do, even if I want to, because I feel told to, or obligated. You say you feel scared, so maybe that is not it at all. I am sure with reflection you will come to understand what is going on.
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This is gonna paint me as a nerd, but reading this reminded me of a Dumbledore quote from Harry Potter.
āDark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time where we must choose between what is right and what is easy.ā
Of course, I donāt know your situation or if this is applicable at all. Either way, change can be uncomfortable and scary. Running might sound like the easier or more comfortable route. On the other hand, if thereās something in you telling you to go for whatever lies ahead, even if it may be scary, maybe itās okay to run with it instead of away from it?
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2 years, 4 months and 28 days drug and alcohol free. I have the day off and toMorrow and I am going to my parents house after therapy at 11. I am gonna get my birthday present, which is getting my hair professionally doneā¦ I am pretty excited. That will be tomorrow at 6 pm but for now I am just gonna relax and do what I need to do. Also, the place where I live at raised my rent 280 dollars so I am kind of mad about that . I am hoping the person in charge is gonna call me later and figure something out because yeahā¦ anyway life on lifeās terms I guess. Choosing to stay sober and focus on my recovery though. Alright , ttyl
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As you said to me, keep the faith. You can do this, maybe take a step back and look at it from an outward perspective.
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Hey guys. Its day 54 today. I feel a bit sad today. I had the though of using prn to run away from my emotions and I actually convinced myself to go back for a moment. But i chose not to use and deal with my emotions in a more healthy way.
I just sat down and let the emotion run its course. I am still feeling down but thats okay.
Have a nice day guys. Peace.
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I know exactly what youāre feeling because Iām also having this inexplicable resistance to the future. I know what I need to do to move forward - and itās nothing a grown man should be apprehensive about - but Iām having the hardest time moving. I feel emotionally like a rat trapped in a cage and I just hide, like you said. Itās awful. Iāve been struggling over the last week thinking about drinking again. Itās awful. But youāre not alone.
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Itās such a relief to know we donāt have to feel that way again! We are breaking out of our patterns of insanity! Good luck to you, and Iām sure your family has begun to notice as well. It is only getting easier/better!
Thank you! One-day at a time!
Thanks, youāre right. Itās puzzling. And that addict voice sneaking in, saying, āHereās something that feels goodā but you know itās bullshit. 
@Rob11, @CB103036, @Misokatsu, @Staringupfromthewell, thank you guys 
- I appreciate you sharing with me. I am fortunate to have a therapy appointment today - just finished - and we got to dig into some of what you guys mentioned, working out what Iām feeling (including the reflexive āf___ you I wonāt do itā behaviour - @Misokatsu youāre right on about that).
In therapy we talked about how I have a highly analytical, mechanically-minded way of thinking and doing, and while thatās useful for many things, it is not an emotionally aware and responsive way of living. My therapist has assigned me homework this week: disrupt my mechanical way of doing things, and insert some spontaneity, some connection, some sharing. Iām going to give some thought to what that might look like; take some time to explore the story of āhow would I be living my days if my upbringing had been as much about how to feel and connect, as it was about what to doā.
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Iām about to peel myself off of the couch and handle what I have to, but I canāt shake the urge to get a drink when I get home. Especially as hot as it is here; a cold beer would taste super good right now. 
Happy Wednesday all. Adults should get naps just like kids. Just sayin haha.
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But youāre sober right!
Oh the chocolates I use to binge on.
Itās normal.
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Checking in after a weekend away and I have to reset. I feel a bit like Iām falling apart. I feel so torn between who I want to beā¦ I know Iām better sober but everyone around me is normalizing drinking so much and Iām struggling. I donāt like who I am when drinking is part of my life. I donāt like who I am when Iām angry at my husband for drinking every night. I was doing okay for a while without drinking while he was drinking but it does make it so much more challenging and I need to get back on track. I know I can do this.
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Congratulations on your 1400 ODAATs Claudia!!
I hope you have a fantastic evening.
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Good afternoon all checking in on day 334! Beautiful day out so I will be outside for most of it. Hope everyone has a great day and stays safe!
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Preach!!!
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Congratulations @SoberWalker Claudia on 1400 days! Hope youāre staying cool over there.
Congratulations @HillbillyChris Chris on 11 months! Keep it up!
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Resetting is tough @Miranda, I reset a few days ago as well. But the important thing is you are back and being honest about it.
It must be so tough to be around people who drink all the time. We are social creatures and you are going to be influenced by those around you in both positive and negative ways.
Rather than thinking about things in the long term maybe just think about today and what you are going to do next. Get a clean day under your belt and go from there.
We are all here doing this one day at a time. We are with you.
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Hey Miranda 
Good to see you again.
This shit really is hard. Duh 
I believe you really want to change and not drink. The first few months were very difficult for me. Extremely difficult. I was extremely angry. But I just knew I had to stop. I had to. It was killing me. Fat drunk and hungover is not how I want to approach my bronze years.
Then COVID hit hard and we couldnāt go anywhere. That actually helped me. If we hadnāt had this pandemic I donāt know if Iād be sober now. I was force to change and I guess isolate. I donāt knowā¦ā¦Iām just sad to see you struggling. And I know you want this.
Now hereās the part I drop a thread on you in case you havenāt seen it yet or forgot about it. And of course a slogan.
if nothing changes
Nothing changes
And weāre the only ones that can change.
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