Called the night doctor and explained what happened. They send an ambulance, they checked some things. It were the values of an eighteen year old they said . How thatās even possible with my live only god knows. Must have been my psychological reaction that the meds give a allergic reaction just as I thought they are going to do it. Called the centre and they told me to quit. Which of course makes me scared for withdrawal effect. My prescribing psychiatrist is off today, will speak her tomorrow.
Going to try and cut out the amount of diet coke Iām drinking in an evening and move towards cordial or something. Only a few weeks to Christmas and this one I am not drinking
Day 178 AF.
Iām feeling unusually good this morning. Maybe itās the medication, maybe itās because both kids managed to get into school today, or maybe the yoga. Iām just going to take it though. Iām eating a leisurely breakfast at the moment.
Hey Julia, how are you doing? I with you and @Cindy1010 back on day 3. We can do this! I wrote out a long list of why I donāt want to drink again and have it saved in my phone for easy reference. It includes a description of the shame I feel the next day. Examples of stupid decisions I make when drunk, etc. Itās so easy to forget all that.
Iām so embarrassed about myself today, my overreaction to work asks is so over the top. Forget poking the bear, anyone asking me to take on more work gets to poke the angry little chihuahua!!
Listening to my ACOA I know I have an insane response to stimulus and thatās through learned self protectiveness. But itās shameful when I go off on one. Boss called me to talk it through as apparently I annoyed him via messaging and he felt I was going off on him. We talked it through and I explained Iām a HSP and have almost ADHD tendencies and overarching perfectionism. I didnāt go into anything further as thatās my dirty little secret, right?
Gotta dislodge my teeth from various ankles and learn to PAUSE. do I need to speak? Do I need to fight right now? Am I gonna expire if I let someone one step closer than my ring fence of assumed sanity and comfort? Will I blow up if I just accept? Why do I have to be so bloody minded and commanding and overbearing? Isnāt that what my mum did to me? Shame overwhelms me.
Itās definitely something I vow to work on. Not for their sake; for mine! So shameful to be this ugly angry person.
I am 10 hours away from day 18 and Iām feeling pretty good but Iām definitely having to fight the cravings today. Itās weird because theyāre there but I definitely feel like Iām not going to give in, although I know that I could at any moment. It really is something that takes us over completely. Itās just wild to me how you can set your intentions and say for sure that youāre not going to do something but in all reality, if youāre honest with yourself, you know that at any moment you could fall right off the wagon so to speak. I may not be in the best mood today but I do know that thereās no pill thatās going to help so I will continue with my morning routine and using my tools in the box. Have a wishful Wednesday everyone!!
Just checking in. Iāve been recruited heavily by another company for sometime, and yet again this morning. Itās like, iām too loyal, iāve only worked at 2 companies since i was 19 ( a very long time ago) and i probably hang in there too long. Its a scary thing to leave. For some people itās not scary at all. I think what keeps me at my present company is: FOLKS DONT BOTHER ME. My boss talks to me once a week in a meeting about what iām doing and thatās it. the 401K situation isnāt the best, this other company offers an ESOP which is interesting. Itās just a scary thing. Plus i like everyone here. But the future of my department is very bleak at the moment. They keep losing key people and not replacing them. I dont know.
Checking in this morning bc I became engulfed in a long movie last night that ended around 1am and figured it best to actually go right to bed afterwards.
It was a pretty typical day tho. Got our first dusting of snow Iām okay with a dusting. Itās days like this Iām not looking forward to having to shovel my car out of my 50 ft driveway if our plow doesnāt show up on time Iāll be looking out for those young kids walking around with shovels, looking to make a buck. I caught them last year for this dayā¦
This was a couple days after one of our major storms in '22. It had already melted quite a bit!
This is all I read from your whole reply and Iāve sat here for ten minutes going through a tumble drier of emotions and speaking it in different voices to understand (annd not be angry about it and pissed off) and with some pause, I realise you are correct. I did. And I feel shame again also now, and that kind of does need to change as itās so unhealthy and unnecessary.
Thank you for your thoughts, I agree with you completely on a lot of what you said. I did seek CBT over fifteen years ago, but the therapist was very inappropriate and I have been a bit scarred by it. Thereās a tonne I can do myself and today, I think, is just the tearing open of the tip of this truth and observing it full on for the first time ever. As it is, not how I want it to be.
I feel ya on changing jobs. It can be such an upheaval to your life. I was at my first job for 12 years and only left bc I had my daughter and needed more money. Now Iām past 8 years in my current job and occasionally think about leaving but the uncertainty makes me stay. When the time is right, weāll know
Good morning peeps. Checking in. Very cold this morning in the NE part of the states. Work is going good, gonna start to get busy though the colder it gets. Not happy about having to put the motorcycle away probably for a few months. Maybe weāll get a surprise 60 degree day in December . Hope you all have a great day. Love yaās.
Glad youāre right back at it @Juli1.
. How thatās even possible with my live only god knows. Must have been my psychological reaction that the meds give a allergic reaction just as I thought they are going to do it. Called the centre and they told me to quit. Which of course makes me scared for withdrawal effect. My prescribing psychiatrist is off today, will speak her tomorrow.
and this one I am not drinking
Iām okay with a dusting. Itās days like this Iām not looking forward to having to shovel my car out of my 50 ft driveway if our plow doesnāt show up on time 
Iāll be looking out for those young kids walking around with shovels, looking to make a buck. I caught them last year for this dayā¦
Hope you all enjoy your day!
. Hope you all have a great day. Love yaās.