This is exactly what I needed to read to get ready for Tommorrow!!
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Context: psychotic amd abusive mother
Todays my first day off in 8 days and my only day off this week. Was looking forward to it. Its been nothing but stressful. Still got a lot done in terms of cleaning so Iām happy about that.
My mom has just been relentless today. Sheās in a walker now and can barely walk so Iāve been helping her all day with things. Hand washed just about everg dish we own because our dishwasher is broken. Cleaned up her fucking mess that she leaves in the kitchen. Thereās literally an infestation of fruit flies because she just leaves food out for 3 days or longer. Cleaned all of that just as a desperate attempt to try to gain some sense of fucking normalcy in this fucking house. All sheās done all day is yell at me. Iām still helping her anyway but my patience is so thin. Every time I sit down to try to fucking get some mental space, I hear her calling for me again for some stupid fucking reason that doesnāt even need addressing.
Sheās been delusional ever since I can remember. I meam that in the most literal sense. And as time goes on her delusions just get worse. Today on top of yelling at me she had to go into this deeply disturbing tangent about her recent delusions. She no longer believes my brother is my brother. She thinks itās a stranger impersonating him. He just moved recently, but heās visiting for a few days in a couple of weeks. She said āIām so glad your real brother is coming this time, if its not him and itās that other guy, Iām calling the police and having him dragged out of here.ā Literally shut the fuck up. Itās so sad and disturbing she doesnt even believe heās her own son anymore. And thatās something super exciting to look forward to, because Iām sure she will call the cops. An exciting adventure awaits. 
She proceeded to say even more disturbing shit (believe it or not) saying that she knows Iām in love with him (???) and that we should get fucking married. Not my real brother, but the āfakeā guy. ??? Cant even put into words how fucking disgusting that is and how disgusted and disturbed I am with her for even saying some stupid shit like that. Iām so angry but she just doesnt fucking listen. Nothing you can say could possibly change her mind. Once she has a delusion about something, thatās it, its as solid as fucking cement. So now I just have to hear her talk about this shit for the rest of her life because she will NEVER let it go, and NEVER change her mind.
Iām so angry but thereās nothing I can do. Cant even cry and I have no idea what the fuck to do with myself. Iāve just sat here and dissociated for the few minutes at a time that I can.
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@Finn I ordered that book earlier when I read your suggestion. I started having back pain when I was 16 and it was so crippling by the time I was 23, alcohol was the only thing that helped. Definitely my original #1 reason for drinking. Looking forward to reading it 
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It was a gorgeous day to have off. Did some laundry and checked out the new Spirit Halloween store that popped up. It wasnāt air conditioned and was humid and stale. Halfway thru I felt ill, almost car sick feeling, so I layed down when I got home. Fine now. Just binging a new show until bed. Have a great 24! 
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Hahaha! So true. 
thank you for your response 
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Nice to hear you ordered itš Itās easy and interesting to read. I hope it helps you. It helped me. Dr Sarno was New York based btw
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129 days
Today I pulled up to my local coffee shop. Been a little routine of mine. Good place to read, write, and gather my thoughts for the day. While pulling in I saw someone that I had hurt in my days of addiction and not being me. My first reaction was to keep going and not look back. But thanks to my faith and sobriety I decided to face it head. The fear just didnāt exist anymore. She was on the phone when I went in. She saw me. Wasnāt sure if she was coming or going, but didnāt want to interrupt her call. I ordered my coffee and sat at my usual table. She came in. Instead of ordering she came right to me and sat right down in front of me. Was a rocky start but it ended in happiness and a hug. Iām so thankful for my sobriety. For making amends. For the fear and anxiety that once cowered me to be non existent. I really cannot believe how distracted and blind I had become to my addictions. Blessed for days like today
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Wow, thatās alot. I cant imagine how hard it has been, and is still on you and your brother. Seeing our parents slowly decline is painful, I know it makes my heart hurt for sure. And it sounds like you are trying your best to see past all the emotional chaos and just get things done. Kudos to you for sticking beside your mom when its as hard as it is.
I could really relate to the part of your share where you mentioned getting through the hard stuff through disassociating. That is one of my super powers, I have had lots of peactice too. In recovery I have learned that we can transfer our skills. All the survival skills we learn being addicts in active addiction, those are transferable into recovery. Today that part of my psyche that keeps me safe by disassociating has been given a new job. She still gets to help me check out, but in positive disassociation when I meditate.
There is an app, its free and its great to help with a quick grounding medition or even affirmations to refocus yourself. Its called Insight timer and it has changed my life. Show yourself a little love and DL it then you can throw some headphones on and checkout in a healthy way.
Sending you a big hug. 
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Day 6
Itās 6.36 am in Finnish Lapland. Good morning Europe and good night Americaš
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Checking in on 3 years and 3 months sober 
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Thank you so much, thatās a fantastic point. Dissociation is definitely one of my super powers too, it sucks that weāve both had to learn that. But totally makes sense that meditation would be a positive alternative, Iāve never thought of it that way before! Thank you for the suggestion
Just checked and i actually have that app downloaded already! I think Iāve only used it a couple of times, definitely going to try it again tonight because it looks like thereās lots of good stuff on there.
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Thank you! I really needed to hear some soft and comfy words.
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Thank you!
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1923
Moving day on our little Dutch road trip. Not that far btw. Yesterday was nice. Did a hike through a national park, caught a couple of big storms but also saw loads of beautiful scenery. And it was so quiet and tranquil. Loved it.
On we go. Letās have as good a day as we all can friends. Sober and clean. Love from Sallandse Heuvelrug NP.
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Feeling like Iām on tracks at the minute. Iām not veering left of right towards slipping up. I have no sneaky plans or no overwhelming desires to break my sobriety. I was talking about Xmas with my wife yesterday and we made plans for things we plan to do. I will be pretty busy and Iāll be driving a lot. There isnāt any room for drinking.
Iāve done a couple of sober Xmas now and honestly it doesnāt scare me in any way.
Iāve made so many plans for the next 6 months and a lot of them in the past would have factored in alcohol. Nowadays Iām not leaving any room for it and it allows freedom and letās me look forward to things without the overhanging notion that it will end up with me a total mess by the end of it.
Have a great day.
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She sounds very far removed from reality. It must be extremely distressing dealing with her. Please share if it helps at all. Does her Dr know what is going on? What advice or support do they give?
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Checking in on day 85
It feels like yesterday I was nervous about posting for the first time. Iām really glad i had the courage to share, you all welcomed me with open arms and helped me get the tools to stay on the right path. I have a bit of an emotional battle going on with my self at the moment but i am hopeful that it will all blow over
Thank you all.
Have a great night and a wonderful Thursday morningā¤ļø
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It sure is lolol, thank you she refuses to believe anything is wrong with her mental state, itās been this way ever since i can remember. We got her to start taking medication when I was in middle school, but she accidentally missed a pill one day and then refused to take it again. Itās one of those situations where we literally cant help her and it is what it is since sheās refused treatment so many times. Which just makes things even more depressing, but again, it is what it is I guess.
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Day 213
Manflu seems be dissipating slowly. Feeling alot more energetic today thankfully. Just in time to hopefully get out with the camera for some Nature shots on the weekend. Really enjoying my sobriety this time around.
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295 sugar
159 UPF
33 gluten
33 dairy
Itās unusually cool today for this time of the year, but the weather has been unusual for the whole year.
My daughter has a nasty cold and stayed home, and is making origami decorations. I did the groceries and am going to work on settings and magic for my game.
I have an appointment with the optician in the afternoon to get varifocal glasses. Iām seriously getting old. Coupleās counseling after that.
Recovey Dharma and relaxing in the evening.
Will keep my heart and mind open, loving life everywhey it is 
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