First day back at work was OK, but it wasn’t the best. I found it kind a hard to see so many of the same patients there, that came back after a relapse (or their 20th). I do know that’s addiction but I had to swallow hard and face the reality of it. It is what I do and it is what it is.
Also the atmosphere among my colleagues isn’t all good. Some irritations here and there. I felt some interpersonal tensions too. Well. It wasn’t all bad and it was my first day back. Those are never easy.
My friend is back home. I’m getting used to it being me and Luna again. One day at a time. Have as good a day as you can all friends. Sober and clean or nothing will come of it. Love from my commute in Utrecht .
@Meems59 Glad you’re here Melinda. Checking in and sharing with peers, like you are doing here, might help a bit. Talking, thinking, feeling about stuff instead of trying to forget through using substances. It’s a new way of life and can be hard at times but it is so much better. We actually get to resolve some of our shit this way. I’m glad you’re here as we’re in this together.
Seeing people having relapses in work or in the fellowship or real life can hit hard. Especially if I have build up a connection with them. It triggers my own past and when not emotionally detached it draines me out. I just experienced it with my ex-girlfriend, it’s just draining. We know well enough that we (if I may say that) were draining people through our self obsession and self pitty and addictive behavior. I gave her all empathy I got, but still it was never enough….I salute you for the work you do
Finally reached Adelaide last night, but in a pretty bad mood today if I’m honest… I just wanna recoil and scream at nothing! Unusual for me, maybe that’s a sign that I’m on track. I’ve just decided I’m going to go for a jog. Take that mood! Will check in again later.
Getting more and more fascinated by literature written by authentic authoritiies in fields closely linked to addiction. I always had my own judgement on the “DSM - bible” and how it is used by insurances etc. It seems when it was first published it came with a disclaimer: “this diagnostic system is imprecise, so imprecise that it never should be used for forensic or insurance purposes”. As we know now, that modesty was tragically short-lived.
Of course I should not make these books my life lead, but it sure give some valuable insights.
So I tried to change the dosage of my meds to eleviate some nasty symptoms and got some rather uncomfortable ones instead today. So today is going to be about getting through that reaction and trying to stay sane meanwhile
Unfortunately I have a couple’s counceling appointment with my ex. There is some stuff about boundaries and the continuation of this counseling that I urgently need to get off my chest. So I don’t want to postpone the appointment. At the same time I’m in a difficult mental space due to the side effects of my meds. I’m just hoping this will settle a bit with time.
I don’t have much going on else today as I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything right now. I might just spend the rest of the day watching tv and waiting for this to pass.
On a much better note, my daughter’s migraine has cleared and she went off to school. I am very grateful for that. All those days being away from school are not good for her social life.
Anyways, I am going to find peace and love for life as it is wherever I can
297 days
Thanks @acromouse and @JazzyS the back is feeling a lot looser today. Still got some good anti-inflammatories on the go, stopped the pain relief and its going ok.
Hoping it settles quickly as I want to get back to training, theres a possibility to set something up that would go down right abouts when my year sober would tick over. Would be a cool way to commemorate it and would keep me focussed for the next couple months.
@Mno oh wow, what a story! Yes, the plan is to reduce to zero, it’s just been a very long slow process, quitting the NHS way. I’ve quit cold turkey in the past, one time for 5 years, so this time I tried something different. @JazzyS thank you for your support too 🩵 @Laner proud of you for asking for help 🩵 @Scorpn feeling them with you solidarity 🩵 @acromouse feel better soon 🩵
1505 days no alcohol.
970 days no cocaine.
1 day no vape.
0 days no binge-eating.
Another counter back on zero. Also, aside from bingeing crisps last night, I’m still eating lots of fruit. I can’t seem to resist anything, I’m compelled the moment I wake up.
I discussed in therapy yesterday. She thinks the short interaction with my dad on Saturday morning triggered me more than I thought and that he has a huge affect on me. I am aware of this. I saw him briefly again yesterday as he made excuses why he couldn’t do it this morning as planned, so I had to drop my car off yesterday afternoon, ready for it’s MOT today, and he gave me a lift home since he was already over this way because he picks my eldest step-brother up from work everyday. He’s always been very controlling and full of BS. I just bite my tongue around him, even when it’s hard. I will see him briefly this afternoon as well, as he’s giving me a lift to collect my car on his way to collect my step-brother from work.
I didn’t want to buy another vape, so that’s why I binged the last two nights. I was overwhelmed by emotional pain that nothing was helping. My go-to coping skill is meditation, but even though I did 5, as soon as they ended the suicidal ideation came back. So I wanted to watch TV which is my next best coping strategy, but that always involves bingeing crisps. I did reach out here on the binge-eating thread because that has stopped me in the past, but I haven’t felt as emotional as I did on Sunday night for quite some time.
Today is a new day. I will try to cope better. I need to challenge myself to start watching TV without bingeing crisps.
All ok here. Swimming is helping me a lot more than I thought it would. I’m surprised that I remembered how, but you don’t forget! It is easy. Good to find a sport and level up. It also helps me keep anxiety in check. Lots of that as I become whatever it is.
A follow up from my last post, I’m feeling a bit better again since. I went for that jog, there’s a nice park right next to me with so many paths I got disorientated for a bit and accumilated some distance, but that was good, just what I needed and wanted. Cooked some nice bolognese for dinner after, played a bit of guitar inbetween and about to go to sleep now. The weather’s turned again so there’s a constant drizzle, nice to fall asleep to the sound against the tent, but let’s see in the morning when I want to get stuff done If the weather’s good, I’ll try to jump straight into the meditation and workout routine, before anything else, so as not to let it get too late and impact the rest of the day. It’s a good kickstart. Whatever tomorrow brings, I intend to give my best to own it, sober. Odaat.
Whoever and wherever you are, keep that light of yours shining, and working on your potential friend!
Day 954
Morning Beautiful day here today! Its quite warm as we got a Chinook this morning. For those that dont know its a type of warm, dry wind that occurs on the downward slope of a mountain when warm air has lost its moisture. They happen every so often. Its +16 and its only 845am so should be a gorgeous day out.
My son is getting better but I kept him home another day to make sure. We have a few errands to do today so will be leaving shortly for that. Hope everyone has a great clean and sober day!
173 days sober
Finally feeling like a real human again. Still a bit sick but definitely improving. I was able to concentrate well enough to do some translation work at home and move around more. Being sick is so boring so was nice to work on things today.
Checking in 210 days. No grump this morning. I am excited to see what I can accomplish today. Still working on Step 4 with sponsor and realizing God is with me and has been I just wasn’t listening or connecting.
May all of you have a glorious sober day.
I’ve just decided I’m going to go for a jog. Take that mood! 
Will check in again later.
🩵
solidarity 🩵
It also helps me keep anxiety in check. Lots of that as I become whatever it is.
If the weather’s good, I’ll try to jump straight into the meditation and workout routine, before anything else, so as not to let it get too late and impact the rest of the day. It’s a good kickstart. Whatever tomorrow brings, I intend to give my best to own it, sober. Odaat. 
Beautiful day here today! Its quite warm as we got a Chinook this morning. For those that dont know its a type of warm, dry wind that occurs on the downward slope of a mountain when warm air has lost its moisture. They happen every so often. Its +16 and its only 845am so should be a gorgeous day out.
