I have been in various forms of treatment over the past few years, but I never truly committed to my sobriety. I never held myself fully accountable, and the excuses always lead to that drink (stress, good times, bad times, etc. Most here probably know this drill). I never counted my days of sobriety, and thus I never had my “Day 1”.
A friend held up a bleak mirror for me this weekend, and for the first time I understand what other people must see in me when I’m drunk. It is shocking and terrifying. I have been in denial for so long.
I want to get better. This is my first, real, Day 1.
Please send me your prayers. Any advice would be welcome.
Step 1. I suck at drinking. I need to stop.
Step 2. Holy shit, these people are sober and seem happy. Maybe I can be that.
Step 3. Hey, can you sober folks give me what you have?
Step 4. Yep, clean up your side of the street.
Step 5. Tell me about it.
Step 6. Are you ready to not be that person?
Step 7. Yes, I want to change and be better.
Step 8. Start by addressing your past without going backwards.
Step 9. Show people you can be better, by any means possible.
Step 10. Routine house cleaning keeps your house clean.
Step 11. Connect with the real you and focus on doing the next right thing.
Step 12. Find someone at step 1 and bring them along in order to complete steps 10 and 11.
Welcome to the first small part of your journey to sobriety. I have had 75,000 Day 1’s and I don’t remember my first Day 1, lol! I am interested to hear more about the mirror your friend held, what was it you saw, how were you awakened? If you don’t want to discuss it, of course, don’t feel you have to. This is my second time entering this community in the last year. One of the main reasons I have had so many Day Ones is because I would abstain for 3 to 7 days and then my brain would start telling me “it doesn’t matter. Just drink. Who cares. You’re making a big deal out of nothing and acting like there is a problem where there is none.” Things to that effect, and I would be lushing it up again in no time. I do hope you find your Day One DOES matter, you are not making a big deal out of nothing, and try not to allow your drinking voice to con you into thinking otherwise. Not to be a downer or sound jaded, but you may have many, many more Day Ones ahead of you, and that is OKAY. It’s totally ok. You start over, pick up where yiu left off, whatever it is. This is a process, not an ending. I don’t wish for you to feel failure if this doesn’t work the first time around. Love be with you, friend!
Hello! I see you live in Portland, so do I. I’ve been to AA meetings in a few different states, Oregon has been the most welcoming. For me, committing to that first day was always the most challenging. I’d start on a Monday, then by Thursday I’d tell myself, “See, that wasn’t so bad, you don’t have a problem, now you can reward yourself with a drink.” Well, that would always lead to weeks of me heavily rewarding myself lol before I picked a new “first day”, I started really reflecting on what I wanted out of my life and where I wanted to be. While thinking about this, I realized that I’m not who I want to be or where I want to be and that’s because I’ve allowed alcohol to become my focus. Once I made that realization, it seemed as though I was quitting for all the real reasons, not just to prove that I could do it for 3-4 days, but because I am craving to be a better person. Also, this community here is awesome! I feel so supported and understood here!
Thank you for your kind words. Indeed, I am not the person I want to be; my usage of alcohol has defined me. It has exacerbated my depression and anxiety. It has cost me relationships. It has characterized me, and has made myself an unpleasant caricature to others.
I want to redefine myself as the person I know I can be. I’ve been hiding behind the bottle because I felt that I wasn’t ‘worth it’. It’s time to cast these old false notions aside. At the end of the day, my children deserve better of me. I deserve better of me.
Thanks again for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear you have rediscovered yourself! Keep it up! And yes, enjoy this fabulous weather we are having in PDX!
Thank you. Step 1 actually took me a looooong time to realize, but I now I do realize that as truth. I will never be able to have ‘just one’. Looking forward to sharing the journey with this community, and hopefully giving something positive back to someone else in return.
Thank you for your thoughts. I do have that drinking voice. It tends to rear its nasty head on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. It is a tricky little beast. I plan on checking in during my ‘risky days’ for support.
The mirror showed me what I was like when I was in ‘blackout drunk’ mode. I asked my friend to tell me everything. And besides my horrible behavior being truly frightening, I also realized what a crappy friend I was being. This person has significant mental health issues, and me projecting my drunk behavior on him puts his mental stability at risk.
It was just one part of the awakening process that has been on going for quite awhile, but has been like a dousing of cold water after a prolonged period of complacency.
So, I hear you about multiple day 1s. Two steps forward, one step back. One thing I recently read in another post that I thought was helpful was something about being fairly confident to make it through: Just. Today. I want to follow that practice. Get through Just. Today. Every day.
Same, same. “Well, i made it through X number of days, I must be good.” Can’t say how much I identify with this. And the reward… ending up being a week or two long reward, always.
Yes, alcohol definitely made my depression and anxiety worse. I decided in June that I needed to get a better grip on my mental health, so I started taking generic Zoloft, and I’m still looking for a therapist, but I’m very particular and want to make sure it’s a good match.
Today is the start of my 5th day sober, so I only have a full 4 days under my belt, but this attempt feels different. I’m treating the start of every day as the first day and reminding myself that I need to have my needs met. It’s okay to take timeouts throughout the day. It’s okay to take time and space to regroup yourself, if that’s what you need. I’ve taken naps because I’m still trying to figure out how to do sober things and enjoy them.
To me, it sounds like you’re doing an absolutely fabulous job at starting out this time. This forum has also been really helpful for me. I use the search bar frequently throughout the day. It’s oddly comforting seeing that you’re not alone at this point in the recovery process. And yes, trying to enjoy the sun while it lasts lol