I am a sex addict… To be specific a porn and masterbation addict. I haven’t actually had sexual intercourse for at least a decade. I am sexually abstinent except masterbation. Of which I was a few hours away from being sober from it and porn for thirty days then I blew it. I pushed myself to the edge then stopped. It still feels like a failure. It is a failure. I started thinking about my therapist. Then watching porn gifs. Then it progressed to full porn video clips. Then starting to masterbate then I stopped myself.
I have a rich fantasy life. I am primarily attracted to older men. My new therapist is an older man. He is sn attractive older man who you can tell when he was younger he was handsome because at his current age he still looks very attractive. I feel ashamed of myself. He is the best therapist I have ever had and for some reason I can’t stop thinking about him in a sexual way. What is wrong with me? No, seriously. I have major issues.
dude, chin up! what you describe is textbook and absolutely normal! it’s called transference in psychotherapy language, you can look it up.
the best way to progress is to talk about it with your therapist. it will surely be a fruitful topic to explore and hopefully you will get to the bottom of your SA in time.
Oh… How embarrassing. I apologize. I thought you met sexual assault. Yeah, I have to consciously shut down inappropriate thoughts about him. How is this normal? It feels very abnormal.
dont shut them down. bring them up with him. I can’t off the cuff tell you why it’s normal but it is. it’s been written about extensively since the dawn of psychotherapy.
I can tell you have a lot of shame. bring that up too. be as honest as you can, the more work you’ll get done in therapy.
nothing to apologise for my friend. it’s also pretty normal to be fearful others can tell or know our darkest secrets.
I could never talk to him about it. He would end my services with him. I feel to much embarrassment and shame to talk to him about it. I think it would make him feel uncomfortable. I can never tell him. Some things are better left unsaid. He doesn’t know about my sex addiction. He only knows about my CPTSD. I feel to much shame to tell anyone about it offline. Even my therapist. Since I share everything else with him, I hate not being able to talk to him about this. I don’t want to lose his respect or him to think if me as a pervert. I couldn’t take judgement from him. I have no idea how he would react to my admitted a sex addiction let alone me fantasying about him. It is totally inappropriate. I am working hard to be in control of my thoughts though. When he pops up in my head in that way I strike down the thoughts; or try too.
umm. I understand but he will not cut you off as a patient unless he’s really really bad at his job. which I assume he is not.
and therapy will only ever ever have a chance of working if you guys build a relationship based on trust. not fear and shame. of course this can take a long time. but that should be your aim.
start here: google transference of sexual desire onto therapist. hopefully it will take away some of your shame.
sure. you can come back here anytime and let us know how you get on with things. you have a place here. there are also lots of other folk with SA around (both kinds).
Holy shit! I just looked it up and you hit the nail on it’s head. Wow! It sure creepied up on me. I didn’t feel this way at first then I just started to notice a shift. He has the most beautiful baby blue clear eyes. He is handsome, genuinely sweet, and kind. I know it is inappropriate but just sharing how I feel. Not sure why the sexual part developed. You can’t help being attracted to someone but the sexual fantasy part is what freaks me out.
It’s actually common for a patient to become attracted to their therapist,
When you have a therapist you tend to share your deepest insecurities and thoughts, deep rooted emotions that you never shared, it becomes a sort of bond if you will.
Unless it interferes with your therapy, it shouldn’t be too much of a concern if it does you should seek a new therapist
it’s all just feelings. none of that stuff is “chosen” especially not at the place whre you are - i dont mean to throw shade, but I mean you’re in active addiction, obvs hurting, and just starting to seek help. no one would blame you for your feelings and desires - least of all your therapist. it’s kindof in their job description that they won’t be offended by your sex stuff.
I urge you to begin to be more trusting and open with him. if I was you, instead of faking trust that it not there, I would bring up that I can’t trust and have a lot of shame. that’s usually the way I go.
anyway. it was nice to talk to you. dont be a stranger, Alice.
EDIT: do NOT prematurely seek a new therapist cos of this. it’s a sign that you are latching onto him which is a good thing. connection is all in therapy.
you know what comes to my mind immediately: addiction is our way to not deal with uncomfortable emotions right, we escape. you masturbate, I used to get sloshed. potato potato.
in therapy: uncomfortable feelings come up. is fucking incomfortable to sit there with this stranger having to talk about yourself.
so what do you do: you go into your addiction and you start fantasising. to escape and make the situation different. de-therapise him. if he’s just a hunky older gentleman, you can deal with him like with all the others you watch online. and that makes him much less dangerous for you, in your mind.
I mght be way off and very likely am. this is just ONE way out of many possible that could make sense. it’s not offensive to anyone. but you need to get past this stalemate if you want to get better.
Thank you for your insight. I won’t be leaving him any time soon. He is truly the best therapist I have ever had. He has PTSD so understands what I go through suffering from it. He is a specialist and amazing at his job.
I do think if we had met under different circumstances I would have totally been open to dating him. Hell, if he wanted to cross a boundary now I wouldn’t be able to resist.Besides him being handsome, I genuinely like his spirit. There is a compassion and warmth I feel when in his presence.
Besides sexual fantasy, I would be content just to cuddle with him. He is like a big teddy bear. I can tell he would give good hugs. I think after some of our sessions I need a hug and he is right there with gentle kind eyes and a warm smile.
I am bonding with him. He is helping me to finally start healing and growing as a person. He has introduced new methods of therapy I have never tried and they are starting to help me improve in every way. I can tell the longer I remain in therapy with him, the stronger I will become.
I don’t want to lose him so for now I can’t tell him about my SA nor my feelings. I always behave appropriately when in session with him. He would never know I had feelings like this. I act 100% appropriate in sessions. It is just when I am not in them my mind wanders.
I think becoming attracted to a therapist is extremely normal, even if not suffering from sex addiction. I am sure in his studies to become a therapist he learnt about it and knows it happens. I understand not wanting to tell a therapist about things related to them, but that is part of your mental landscape, and you need to share it if you want complete help.
It’s very nice to read you are bonding so well and he seems like a great therapist. That is beyond awesome.
Over time, as your trust grows, go towards more honesty. They say the harder it is to share sth, the more important it is in therapy that you do indeed talk about it.
I am under chronic stress right now. I am in an unhealthy living situation where I can’t enforce boundaries with the people I share a home with. I am constantly feeling uncomfortable feelings and emotions. I experience intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, depression, anxiety. Yeah, I always feel that impulse to escape from present mind.
I do sincerely think he is an attractive man. That part would exist regardless of anything else. The sexual fantasy part… I can totally see my addiction being involved in some way and my desire to escape my current reality. He almost feels like an escape. He is becoming my safe space.