Feeling horrible

Relapses
1

I don’t know if anyone will read this…
I relapsed today. It took me a while to admit that I have a problem. I don’t need to drink every day and if I drink it’s usually in the evening. But once I start, it’s impossible to stop. I once was sober for 2 years and the people who know me from that time don’t believe me when I say I drink until I pass out. They have the idea that I’m put together and can’t imagine me as an alcoholic. The people I hang out with nowadays don’t have any idea of my problem. They just know I drink.
Everything changed when I moved to another country and after a while COVID hit and I lost my job. I also had a cancer scare and was sharing a house with some horrible people.
My husband is a great person. He loves me so much, but I feel like I’m a horrible wife to him and I don’t understand why he is still with me.
We usually drink together but he is not a heavy drinker. He has self control. I don’t know if he is enabling me, but today he went out for cigarettes and he asked me if I wanted something. I was fidgeting in the kitchen because we always start drinking on Sundar while I’m cooking our lunch. I really wanted to drink and he offered, so I caved. He knows what i want and he bought it. He also said he doesn’t mind if I drink but I feel I’d be a much better person if I didn’t.
Tonight after I woke up ( I passed out at around 3pm) I told him I want to change and that I need his help. We agreed we are going to stop drinking and smoking.
I’m not well and I told him that if it wasn’t for him, I would have killed myself a while ago.
He doesn’t know what to say, but I’m glad I told him what I’m feeling. I think he’ll support me and help me go through this. Because i can’t do it by myself. I’m just not strong enough. I hope I’ll make him proud.

If you have any tips or words of encouragement, I’ll appreciate it so much.

Thanks for reading

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You are not weak. We have all been there. Eventually all of us realize it’s impossible to do it alone.

Don’t worry about being “strong enough”. Or hiding your shame, or running from it. You are not weak. You may be afraid or ashamed or feeling unworthy - as so many of us were. But you are not weak.

For me joining a recovery group really helped me get my recovery in gear. Have you visited one yet?

Online meeting resources

Resources for our recovery

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No, I haven’t. I’ll see if I can find one in my area or maybe an online one. Thank you for the words. You are very kind :pray:t2:

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Welcome. It is hard when u hide ur drinking, u can feel very alone. There are plenty of people who understand u here. I am glad ur husband will support u, but in the end u have to do it for yourself. Make yourself proud!

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Youve just shared my story. I know that it does get better if we can just stay away from the first drink. I had 7 years sobriety once and more recently got to 9 months. So we can do it. But today I feel utterly hopeless and like throwing in the towel. If it wasnt for my 2 precious children I would probably give up.

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Thank you for the advice. I’ll look into recovery groups and so my best to get better :pray:t2:

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Thank you so much. I’m glad I found this group. In a way I don’t feel so alone anymore. And I’ll make myself proud, I guess I’m always feeling bad and not worthy… but in the end it’s all about me and getting better so I can live a better life

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Sending you a lot of positive thoughts! I don’t have children yet, but i hope to one day. This is one of the reasons I want the drinking to stop.

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Welcome Lulu and thank you for sharing your story! I recognize so much of my own history in it.
Admitting you can’t do it alone is not a sign of weakness. In my opinion it’s the most brave and powerful thing you can do - the people on here taught me that the opposite of addiction is connection. So what you did is fighting your addiction and punching it where it’s the most vulnerable, well done! :muscle:

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Thank you for your words :pray:t2:

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I see so much of my story told in your own @Lulu87 …,as so many others have already said; you truly are not alone.

My quit journey began to stick in December 2020 (I tried and failed so many times before). I haven’t had a drop of hard booze since. I did, however, relapse once on wine, but I picked myself up, and pushed on.

I drank for the better part of my life…always a binge drinker. In my teens and twenties it was weekends only…by my thirties I drank randomly, and always to the point where I would black out. My husband; like yours is my greatest cheerleader, but at one time he drank right along with me…he drank even more than me at some points in our relationship, but seeing my struggle (and at the end I really, really struggled) changed his mindset on drinking, and now instead of enabling he supports, encourages and shares my victories…he truly is my very best friend, and when I look back I sometimes wonder why he stayed as well…

He did though (that’s the gift), and I made a promise to myself last December, which was that I would be a better friend…a better wife for him.

To be successful though I had to start to love, accept, and respect myself…I had to be willing to do the hard work necessary to peel back all the layers that make up me, and find peace (still working through that).

This road is hard…I struggle with that little whisper that comes randomly, but ignoring it is achievable…you can do this, but you have to prepare yourself…read as much as you can, and build that toolbox. It sounds like you have some good support in your partner, and that is huge in your journey.

Speaking of support…Please make sure you visit here…this community truly is beautiful…there is so much knowledge, insight, care and support.

Never give up on you…you are worth this fight, and you can do this.

Wishing you Blessings

:blush::raised_hands:t2::ocean::sun_with_face:

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Thanks for sharing. Your story is almost identical to mine. Proud of you for getting so far. I’m 39 days today. Please reach out if you need a friend.

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Hi and welcome here Lulu,
Like you discovered: you are surrounded here by people who understand. That’s why I’m here too. I’m addicted to alcohol. I was sober for 5 years before and then relapsed. People around me never saw me as an alcoholic. I have a husband, children, job, look healthy and they never saw me drunk. But I was a home alone drinker, drank almost every day and could not stop after I started, drank secetly, had black outs, lied to my partner about my drinking amounts, hide empty bottles, etc.
That’s al gone now. Sober for 2,5 years again.
My husband still drinks but he is not an addict.
Life is so much better today!
First year of my recovery I was here every day to read and checking in on the daily check in tread. It’s important for me to talk to people who understand my addiction and celebrate my milestones and struggles with them.
Here at home they think it’s simple to quit: you just stop drinking.Here in TS you all know that it’s more then that :sweat_smile:

So my tip is: involve, be around often. Share!
You can be sober, you did it before! :facepunch:
0eba5f4dd83ec4d463d99ec3ba3faae7

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Hey , from what I gathered from reading your post you are aware of a problem which is good and you can begin to work on yourself from their and seek the help you need. I personally tried to stop drinking ony own many times but it wasn’t until I went to rehab and joined AA in which o was able to stop drinking for more then just 30 days ( I’m currently 1 year and a half sober). My advice is that you try Attending AA meetings and surround yourself with people who can understand exactly what you are experiencing… your already doing that by sharing on here so you’re half way their. Keep on going forward I’m sure you will overcome your drinking …just take it one day at a time

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I guess I have to do that. Love myself. I have to remember that I have loved myself and that I was proud of me… but it’s been hard lately, specially because I don’t work and I feel useless being in the house sleeping and watching Tv all the time
But I’ll get there! Thank you so much :blush:

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I’m going through the same thing. I use herbs and exercise to get me through. Gabba to help with anxiety and I stock up on lots of teas an non alcoholic beer… I hope this helps.:slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank you :pray:t2:

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Thank you! This group is amazing! I feel supported and not so alone.

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Thank you! I’ll definitely join a group and keep coming here for support.

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I started drinking more tea now. It helps me with the anxiety. Thank you for the tips