Those words above were given to me with how I will handle myself tonight when my wife and I tell my children we are going to divorce after 17 years. As hard as its been for me the last few days, I know I cannot say anything to my children or my mother in law or anyone else, the details of why I’m hurt. I can only tell them the wife and I are no longer compatible. This was suggested how I need to deal with this by not giving myself a few seconds or minutes of pleasure by sharing the details of why we are divorcing and thus hurting those around me. It’s hard but there is nothing to gain by sharing this information with my family. I know had this happened two years ago I would have drunk heavily and hurt everyone around me. I’m so grateful for people in recovery that can share with me the best ways to handle myself in these tough situations. I truly could not do this alone. Today will be very difficult but things will improve in time. I will not drink over this and will continue my journey to be the best dad I can be at this phase of my life. Love, strength and serenity to us all. Thanks for listening. Jimmy
Oh Jimmy, this sounds hard. But I know you are strong and resilient and will find your way through this with your head held high. You can, of course, share until you are blue in the face with your real life recovery community and with people here. Sending you strength and courage and serenity today.
Strength to you, Jimmy. Tough conversation to have with the kids, I am sorry. Good for you for preparing in advance to not get down in the mud and keep it as clean and civil as possible. Very admirable.
Edit: I wanted to add, that as the child of divorced parents, I’ve always appreciated that they always kept it civil around me, even when things were ugly behind the scenes. Never saw them fight or argue, nor a negative word about the other one, and I think it made the transition a lot easier for me. Thanks for thinking of your kids.
So sorry to hear this Jimmy but I have to say I’m really proud of you and how you are looking at this!
It’s true, hurt people do hurt other people. Consciously or subconsciously, we do tend to bleed that hurt out onto others who don’t deserve it.
Something that really helped me when my ex of 15 years and I split was the book The 4 Agreements and learning to not take anything personally. What he did was on him, not me. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Same with the family, many knew what really transpired and they were ANGRY at him. His own family disowned him for a while. When I was able to forgive, I had to tell his family to do the same-it had nothing to do with them either. Thats been hard for them but he’s a hurt man deep inside and we cant take that personally. It’s really a great thing if you can leave the specifics out of the dynamic and just focus on the fact you just aren’t compatible anymore and want different things out of life as that is likely true. Edit: Especially for the kids sakes for civility
Much love to you and your family at this time! I am really glad you have your sobriety & corner behind you and have a great head on your shoulders. Better things are waiting for you after some healing time. Hugs my friend!
I’m so sorry Jimmy. No word of a lie, since July the universe has pushing many of us to release bullshit from our lives because we wouldn’t do it on our own. Break-ups and shake ups all over the place so we can make way for something better to come into our lives.
Sending you and your whole family a hug as this will be one of the hardest things you do. Your post reminded me of the night I had to tell my kids the same thing (they were 7 &10) Fourteen years later, and my son’s still remember what they were watching on tv that night
Heh Jimmy sorry to hear that your troubles .i got divorced after 13 years to my ex and a week later i stopped drinking went to AA havnt had a drink since when i went back to my house there were clothes in the wardrobe her boyfriends lost my 3 companies lost the house but i was sober and since then met Sheila got married again 25 years past July. two big sons and still sober its hard but it gets easier buddy youl be ok as long as you keep your meetings and dont lift a drink wish you well
Wishing you all the best Jimmy.
More of my friends come from homes where parents are divorced than not (including me and my partner)and I’ve never heard one of them say they wish their parents were still together because if things aren’t right then trying to force it would just hurt everyone even more.
It must be awful but I truly believe that it will get better in time for everyone involved.
Thinking of you tonight, Jimmy. I know you will handle this hard news with grace and love for your family. Don’t hesitate to reach out here if you need to…
We are often told that God will never give us anything that we can’t handle. Even my sponsor told me that at one point.
I don’t like that saying (and I told my sponsor that).
That puts dealing with things back on me, myself, and I. I have seen what happens when that committee is in charge and things are too much for me…
For me, I have to remember that with God’s help, I can handle all of the tribulations that I have been dealt. I just have to ask and be open and willing to accept that help in the form it is provided for me.
Hi Jimmy, I understand to an extent what you’re going through. I had to tell my kids the same thing last month, i had been married 10 years and my kids are a bit younger than yours. It was really hard
It was my decision to seperate, but my (ex) husband could definitely say some negative things surrounding it, about me. I couldn’t imagine my kids hearing about the things that caused our breakup… It would break my kids heart and cause them a lot of pain and confusion. Even if they weren’t kids, it’s still hard to truly give an unbiased interpretation of what happened to cause a relationship’s demise.
I think getting it out somewhere though would be really helpful… Releasing that hurt would be beneficial for your grieving… But I know that might take time to work out in the first place.
Hi @jimmy7-30-17 . Sobriety has brought me a new strength and I suspect you also. My wife has mentioned numerous times about splitting up especially since I got sober! I guess some of it is the hurt that she feels I caused; and I accept that. What I don’t accept is that means I can’t have a great life with or without her…we all deserve happiness! Staying sober is our path to continued happiness. We are still together and hopefully will be forever but if this changes I am ready. Demonstrate your sobriety each and every day
