I have 6 months and 28 days clean and I am really struggling. It has been a very rough week for me. I keep having cravings and memories and as much as I don’t want to use… I do want to use. I feel like all of my anxiety will go away if I pick up. I feel like I will finally be able to breathe again with that first hit.
I know rationally how WRONG this is, but I can’t shake these thoughts. I know all of my problems will still be here, but worse. I know the consequences of picking up, but I feel like I should do it anyway. My anxiety over it has been making me physically sick. My body aches, my stomach hurts, I’m always on the brink of tears. I don’t feel like I can even breathe right.
I feel so embarrassed that I still have these constant thoughts of using. I go to meetings nearly everyday, I have a great network, I have many reasons to NOT use. I am so ashamed to even be considering it. My son is asleep in the other room and I’m just in bed crying. I feel like a horrible mother for having these thoughts.
I am so afraid of relapsing… I don’t know what to do…
Hey, first - you did the right thing to come here before picking up!
You said it yourself, you’ll feel worse if you drink or use.
Everything is impermanent. Even cravings. Even tough feelings that make us want to drink or use.
You know what else is impermanent? The high that comes from drinking and using. We try to make it last, but it takes us down with it…
There are so many other things you can do instead of drink or use.
HALT - are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired?
Do you have a sponsor or friend in recovery you can call and talk to?
Can you distract yourself with a movie, curled up under a blanket, maybe a snack and early to bed?
Or just hang out on this app.
Morning will come, and you will feel so much better to wake up without shame, regret, and hangover.
I believe in you.
I’m glad to hear you’re going to meetings and using your supports. It sounds like you have some really good insight into the irrational thoughts that come along with your cravings! Keep being kind to yourself, keep challenging those thoughts with the more rational thoughts you mentioned above, and keep talking about how you’re feeling! You can do this!
First, thoughts are thoughts. You can’t control them. What is important are your actions. You are taking a great action by getting on here. What else can you do? Once when I was really upset and wanted to drink just to detonate my life I just jumped from online meeting to online meeting until my kids came home.
How you doing there?
I use to take a very long very hot shower and cry it out when I started my recovery. I was always do upset and angry that I just can’t drink like a normie. I’d sit in that shower on our bench 20-30 minutes. Usually in the evening when I would usually be drinking. Crying it out and being warm and clean really relaxed me. Maybe get a snack after. Or a nice sparkling water. You know this will pass.
Have you got a sponsor or friend you can call.
Get on the gratitude thread here. Start listing everything your grateful for now that your clean. Daily Gratitude, The Air Of Recovery #6
Read what everyone else is grateful for.
Check out the meme thread. Help another addict on the check in thread or some other thread.
Don’t beat yourself up. You can’t control what you crave. Just get through this 24 hours and focus on getting through the next tomorrow. Even if it means going to bed early, calling a friend/sponsor for support, leaning on those who want the best for you! It matters what you do, not what you think
Thank you. I’m just curled up in bed crying. It’s honestly terrifying. So many times it felt like my body moved to get high when mentally I really didn’t want to. I’m afraid to move. I hate this feeling.
I am so glad that you came and posted. It is an addiction, and sometimes the addiction part wants to run the show and take you over. Hopefully you will be able to keep it from doing that. I’m glad you posted. I’m glad that you have the support that you do and I’m very sorry that even so you have the overwhelming desire to use.
It is known that alcohol will increase anxiety.
Just for this minute, do not use. Then for the next minute do not use. Then for the next minute, do not use just for the minute do not use keep doing that and doing it and doing it and read your own post and the reasons why you don’t want to use. Don’t let that junkie addict over take you. I’m glad you posted.
I am editing to say that I don’t know what your drug of choice is. But whatever the substance is, it will just give more anxiety in the long run
I’m trying to focus on my breathing the best I can. One day at a time is more like one second at a time right now. I hate for difficult this feels right now.
It could be helpful for you to do breathing exercises like you’re doing right now.
Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for as many seconds as you want say four seconds to 6 or seven seconds, and then slowly let it out through your mouth for about the same amount of time.
Then repeat. Continue to do this, especially when you are in crisis. It refocuses your thoughts to your breathing, hopefully in turn it will bring down your anxiety some.
Many here use apps, such as Insight Timer, and do meditations from them, and they find it helps them a lot to again focus their thoughts somewhere else, and to ease their anxiety.
I do a poor job of transferring links over from other threads, so perhaps somebody else can put that link over here.
Yep, I get it! Give your pillow a hug and know that, right now, you’re building some serious sober muscles.
This will pass, friend. It will. Just like @erntedank said.
And she’s right about about breathing! One breath at a time, one second at a time.
Maybe try breathing counting in for 4 counts and out for 8. (Don’t do this for long). It helps anxiety.
One second at a time. This won’t last forever. And when it passes, your sobriety will be there, thanking you.
EDIT: Alisa gave you some breathing techniques too!
Here’s the link for the Meditation thread.
These are guided meditations. It could be something nice for you and your every day and to be surrounded by people who are doing it and getting the benefit from it as far as the slow in and out breathing that you were doing it’s something that you can incorporate also into your every day and do it for five or 6 or 7 or 8 times a day, how ever many times a day you you want to do as long as you don’t hyperventilate.
There is a new study, saying that isometric exercises bring down blood pressure. I know right now you just want to be in your bed. It could be once you’re up you could try doing these.
One example of an isometric exercise if you were able to do it is what they call a wall sit. You put your back against a wall and you sit at about a 90° angle for a long as long as you can comfortably hold it. Another example is a plank you can Google that and see how you do it. Basically you hold yourself up with your arms or forearms, and your feet with your core abdomen tightened. As long as you comfortably want to.
Another example is to grip something strongly with your hands like a ball, a rubber ball.
These isometric exercises are being shown to lower blood pressure just as much or more than running and aerobic exercise. Be careful what you do, and do not do more than what you’re able to do. These are just ideas.
Meditation link.
All this is just suggestions of someway to divert your thoughts from wanting to use to other thoughts
Thank you so much. Slowly but surely I’m starting to be able to breathe again. And I feel a lot “lighter” oh man it’s so scary getting like this. Thank you. I really appreciate your help. Just having a place to share where I’m at and get feedback like this is amazing. I am so grateful for this community.
Everytime you resist you strengthen your resolve, you are not alone we have all been in that position…its ok to to cry and feel uncomfortable sometimes…give yourself permission for that…you did the right thing in coming here and asking for support…i truly believe that part of recovery is allowing yourself to be helped when you really need it…im proud of you and sending lots of love and hugs
[quote=“FreeingFalkor, post:1, topic:178475”]
I know rationally how WRONG this is, but I can’t shake these thoughts.
First of all I am sorry for the obvious struggle you feel right now. Addiction is a beast that imho cannot be completely tamed but it can be assuaged. I have had success through different channels. Please don’t take this personally but NO you can’t shake these thoughts you are having. I find that through breathing techniques shared here and,for me,a daily practice (meditation) has been liberating. I see my thoughts as clouds that simply arise from who knows where and dissappear to who knows where. What works best for me is to not cling to my thoughts. Whether they make me feel comfortable or uncomfortable the key is non attachment. I start with the basics. All there is really is my breath. A nice deep inhalation through my nose and a longer exhalation perhaps with a sigh through my lips. I do this three times. I’m told it affects the parasympathetic nervous system by slowing it down from fight or flight feelings aka anxiety. I just know it works. For me. Be kind to yourself. If you like perhaps try a self forgiveness meditation. You are loved. You are supported here. You are not alone. Keep reaching out to this community and to your other resources. If you have a sponsor call them. Try to take action. Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. Take refuge in the community of people you have connected to in sobriety. I wish you joy and ease and freedom from suffering. Namaste
Hey there…checking in to see how you are feeling. I just read through this whole thread and am so impressed with your ability to articulate your feelings during a difficult moment and then stay accountable by responding to people as they posted. You are doing exactly what you need to in order to start shifting those coping mechanisms and increasing your sober skills. How are you doing now??
For me, bubble baths with candles lit were my “crying the shower” in early sobriety. Sometimes I would take four in a day!! Whenever I felt weak or craving, I’d hop in a bath. The warm water would soothe me physically…gave me time to feel supported and held. I think also…looking back…it was a safety mechanism because, well…you can’t run out to the store when you’re naked in a bath!
So glad that you came here to sort out your feelings. Thoughts are just thoughts, no matter how destructive they are. My therapist taught me to hear those destructive voices and say “I’m having the thought that ________. But, no thank you. I’m not engaging with that frequency of thinking today” the “I’m having the thought” part helped to remind me that…this was just a thought…not the truth, not a decree, not something I had to listen to. Then, I could tell that thought directly that, I wasn’t engaging with it today. Helped me with all manner of intrusive thoughts my day articulate brain liked to have
