Im on day 108. I want to stay sober. And i really thought being sober would make me happy. This isnt me saying i am going to drink again. But instead of after work going out drinking ive been going home and thinking alot. (Maybe too much) but i just dont find joy in things like most people do. And i dont know why. I love my girlfriend im not un happy with my job, i have court stuff but none of that is the issue, I feel like something is missing. I feel like im just going through the motions of life barely acknowledging it let alone truly enjoying it. Even though this thought process is sort of driving me up the wall i think this is very necessary. Ive never really questioned these things. Im not unhappy but im not happy if that makes sense. And i think being sober and taking it more seriously this time has led me to the questions i need to be asking myself. I dont know if im just losing my mind or if this is a common part of the healing process. Any thoughts?
Iâm gonna have to think that it is a part of the healing process. Iâm not sure the extent of your drinking before but I know it takes a while for your mind to get back to it being fully functional again. I too thought I would be much happier than I am since I stopped drinking but now I just have all the time to contemplate how much I hate my life and how miserable I am. Itâs rough.
Fill your day with stuff you enjoy.
I have spent my 30âs very unhappy in my life and relationship with my wife. I didnât know what was the cause, so I searched for happiness. I thought pursuing my dream of being a rock star would make me happy, so I started a band, performed all over the local area, and became a rock star (in my own mind 
) , but I was still unhappy. I thought money would make me happy, so I busted my ass and tripled my income over the course of 3 years, but while having money certainly reduced stress and removed some unhappiness, it didnât make me happy. Then maybe having âstuffâ would make me happy, so I bought the things that I thought would make me happy. It brought joy, but not happiness. The only thing that filled me with happiness was drinking, but it didnât make me happy.
What makes me happy is serving others, making them happy. Could be strangers, friends, family, but mostly my kids and wife.
The thing Iâve learned is, is that happiness and unhappiness are not mutually exclusive, they are are concurrent. Removing unhappiness doesnât mean you will be happy, it just makes it easier.
I think this is a struggle that a lot of people go through at some point in their life, and thats ok.
Hay been wondering about you my soba twin ⌠have u been to any alcohol services to help u ? I started going to aa meetings cos i was the same as u i was clean but unhappy⌠once i started aa it changed my life u learn how to live a different type of life through the 12steps programme⌠its changed my life⌠is there anything like that u could try ? Its also a great way to meet new soba friends. X
That helps so much. I am actually going through the same thought process! Im currently trying to start an outlaw country/folk band in hopes that that would fill a void for me. And next week i was going to buy all new furniture and a new guitar (which im still going to do bc there is a martin acoustic i just cant say no to) that makes so much sense. I dont think ive learned enough about myself and sobriety yet to be able to truly help someone yet. But i think im on the right path to do so. Thank you so much.
I believe that most humans have a sickness: compulsive, uncontrolled thinking. Thinking creates a whole variety of problems that arent even real. Thinking distractd people from real life. I recommend the book âthe power of nowâ and daily meditation, 10- 15 minutes a day. Its amazing how much not being distracted by thoughts makes life better!
When I finally got sober, I resigned myself to a future of a long string of gray days of boredom. This was another flaw in my alcoholic thinking.
But I did seek out the fellowship of AA, in part for the social stimulation and friendship network. Itâs been an integral part of my life for years now. I get satisfaction with life and a sense of meaning and direction by claiming my membership in AA. It might help you as well.
Remember - alcohol was but a symptom. Youâre now getting down to root causes.
Feelings of emptiness are anything BUT uncommon. Ask yourself - can you remember a time you felt joy? BEFORE you began your drinking carrier?
For me, I was about 5 or 6. Iâm 53 now, and sober 30 years. I have felt happy since starting recovery, donât get me wrongâŚ
But one of the reasons I drank was to expand my emotional range (or squash it, depending on the emotion).
Youâre in your first year. Chances are, youâve been disconnected from your emotions so long, feeling anything without a jumpstart is gonna be difficult.
Feeling anything other than negative may be almost impossible. For now.
In time, so long as you stay connected to AA, and honestly work the program, things will change. Things are gonna change, whether you want them to or not - itâs the nature of things. Donât fight it.
No - you are not going to become âHappy, Joyous, and Freeâ, 24/7, 365. Nor should you. Life doesnât work like that. You will have good days, bad days, and those that fall somewhere in between.
But, for today, donât obsess about the numbness. Itâll pass.
âŚjust like most things in our lives 
Yes 
such wise words!
Find a passion. Choose something to master, and set about mastering it. In learning to master one thing, you learn the secret of mastering all things: Discipline.
A muscle doesnât grow stronger at rest. A mind doesnât grow sharper without challenge. Move, seek, create, build, GROW. No growth happens inside your comfort zone.
Getting better at getting better is all about personal growth, becoming stronger, smarter, faster. Acquire new skills and knowledge. Test your strengths, improve upon weaknesses. Get up and get after it.
Sober doesnt equal happy. Life is life. There are grest days, good days, craptastic days. That is just life. What sobriety does, it gives you presence in the moment, so when the crappy days happen you get thru it with peace and serenity.
Peace isnt happiness. Its a hard concept that took me almost a year of being sober to finally get. At the end of a rough day, I realize I made it, and because I am sober, the next day can be better
Iâve known this hole well. I was an isolating alcoholic, so time on my own was awkward to say the least.
The final step in my program of recovery is service to others. And being honest, probably the greatest gift of the whole shebang.
For me, by the time I got there I was primed for it. A compassion for others like Iâd never known was brimming inside me, absolutely overfilling the hole I never could quite fill on my own.
What clicked was realizing that thinking of others could be everyday in whatever I did. Giving a loved one a call to hear how theyâre doing. Using a spare moment to help out in the community or with my friends.
I donât know how to describe what led me to that place. But once âmy own house is clean,â using what extra I have for others really helps get me out of my own space and into something bigger.
Thank you so much for the advice guys, all of it is very helpful. Im not just saying that i felt like i was going mentally insane for a moment there. I will keep re reading and working on the advice you all have given me. I feel so grateful for the support when i didnt really want to ask for help on this due to the extreme anxiety i was feeling. But im glad i did, and it helps so much to know that it isnt just not drinking its so much more than that and im not alone. Im going to start looking into and acting on all of this advice now. Thanks so much
Thoughts? Shiiit. This sounds about right for 3 months. I was basically only concerned with staying sober at that point. Hadnât yet taken any steps into doing stuff that I really liked or that I would consider a hobby. I basically only went to meetings, IOP, work, on long walks and watched some TV.
Shortly after my 4 months hit I started doing things I always thought about doing. I started working on car stereo, reading tons and digesting fabrication ideas, actually began working on my van. Once I started actually doing stuff I was interested in it gave my time more fullness. I spent hours working on things, failing a lot and doing it better the second time. Learning from the hands on experience. Having actual money to put into endeavors.
I used to do nothing as a drunk, and I was cool with that. It was a mindless task to get lit and do nothing. It was very hard to be sober and do nothing, but it was necessary to do until I had the real motivation to try something else.
Donât rush the process man, I suggest a hobby. Something you actually like, something you can blabber about and others get bored of hearing about.
I love that! Iâve started a similar band recently. We do our own thing but its kind of folk/country/bluesgrass/blues thing. So far, its me and one other, but we starting to put together some good material.
What instruments do you play?
To me, happiness is not a destination. It is a way of being, a state of mind. It comes from gratitude. It comes from creating in my life rather than constantly reacting. It comes from being okay with who I am and sharing that with others.
If I want to be happy, I put a smile on my face. I write down all the things that I am grateful for, I thank my creator for my life and another day to experience it.
Sweet! Guitar mostly ( and learning to sing) and im learning banjo and mandolin. Ive just been jamming a bit with a few friends when we have time after work. But i still have alot of practice to do. What instrument do you play? Sing at all?
Ive heard that too. But it depends on your situation like i was forced to stop by the court when i got out of jail i had no where to go. So i went to an old job from years back moved into a motel finally. Then it was so hard to get out of the motel as they are so expensive but i finally got an apartment. So i moved twice changed careers i guess. And mended my relationship with my lady.
Oh and bootz i said that like it was no big deal. But you are right it added a ridiculous amount of stress on me to the point where it was very over whelming. I tend to forget how rough things get after theyve passed. It definitely made me think about drinking. Moving and going back to my old job and such. My advice would be to not take on too much at once. I had never expierenced stress like that before.
I love all of this.