Hey Mike, how are you doing today? Just here to tell ya, I love ya!
Gah, the addict mind is a BITCH!! It took me YEARS to see past the lies. It’s all lies!! You do not need the drugs or alcohol to be a better version of you. You are perfect just the way you are. The drugs will insidiously destroy you from the inside out. Toss them! Dust off your knees. Keep going. I can tell you’re a smart man because you already know all of this deep down. Seeing past all the lies of our addict mind is half the battle. Believe me. By the end up my addiction I felt like Gollum from Lord of the Rings “Myy preciouuuus”… (I looked like him too.) And I still couldn’t stop. That’s how powerful it is. It takes a special kind of strength to pull yourself out of addiction and I know for a fact that you have it in you because you have done it before. My advice for today is just: Become aware of the LIES… because they are all lies our addictions tell us. You do not need the drugs, you are amazing the way you are. & Keep coming back. Seriously, we care about you so much. You can do this.
Hi Mike, I am happy to see you and I’m glad you’re safe, and reaching out.
I hope you don’t mind if I make an observation; here goes: control is really important to you and to your sense of self-worth. The days were a number, yes; but honestly, I don’t think it’s really about the days.
I think it’s about control and its counterpart, helplessness (and the overall question, self-worth). There is a part of you, a voice in you, that speaks to you and says, “You are impotent, stuck, helpless.”
And one sure way to maintain control, is to shoot yourself in the foot. “I don’t think I’m done relapsing” is code for “I can choose to relapse and that’s my choice, my control, and at least it belongs to me and not you”.
Feeling unable to measure up to someone’s expectations - whatever those are - can lead us to say, “Screw it, I’m gonna just do this, because it’s my choice.” Control.
Measuring yourself (related to control) is a big part of your thinking as well:
Where did you learn this pattern of thinking about measuring your value?
If I’m right in my observation here, there may be some value in unpacking this and seeing what you can discover. Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that you can use for some counselling sessions? Often they’re simple to set up, you can just do it over the phone or by video chat.
I could find 100’s of reasons to get loaded everyday. I walk around in fucking pain…
You are getting loaded over missed days Mike… listen to yourself. Look at what you are saying. That is not clean Mike talking that is addict Mike talking. The further you dig the harder it’s going to be to get out. Stop picking up the dope and get to a meeting. Like Meg said just today… just give it a day.
OOF…they were interesting observations…
. 
. Id feel a bit uncovered by those observations…oops I’ve been ‘seen’ ,can’t lie to myself or anybody now.
I’m gonna be completely honest, I’m terrible at comprehending what I read. If I think it’s what it means, I’m sure alot of it has to do with having control as that’s what runs deep in all addicts is always needing to have control. I worked on letting go of control with my counselor that I had for my year of sobriety, letting go of what wasn’t in my control. But with having the attention deficit disorder I really struggled with it. I got cocky in my sobriety and complacent I stopped working my recovery, when I say I don’t know if im done with my relapse, it probably does sound about control maybe it is, it’s funny how sometimes we don’t even really no what’s really going on or bothering us inside. But I meant it like I am trying to stop, and for some reason I keep going and picking back up. Idk if this is even what you were getting at
I will use your words…
“Hate to say it…”
That isn’t trying.
Yep - we’ve all been there 
Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease that will lie in wait until your guard is down, then come back in.
Addiction is escaping from life and avoiding feelings and responsibility. Except life doesn’t stop, then unpredictability and ups and downs don’t stop, and whether we’re using or not, we all have feelings we need to experience and life we need to live - every, single, day.
Are you “done” relapsing?
Who cares?
The question is whether you want to live your life. If you do, you know what you need to do. It’s just like brushing your teeth. We all do it every day because we know what happens if we don’t. (Obviously missing a day of brushing is not the same as a relapse on cocaine, but the point is, it takes attention every day.)
Do you want to live your life?
Glad to see you at least typing words. I been worried about you.
Promise I’m coming back stronger then ever.
Every day of sobriety is increasing my strength. After my relapses I need to get my shit together take advices even if at first they seemed stupid. Drinking never made me stronger…
I know its hard brother but stay strong. You can do it . Put your faith in the Lord and truly let him in and help guide you through your adversities… surround yourself with good people that want to see you succeed. Don’t let outside people influence you. And forgive yourself . A relapse can be a great reminder of why you are in recovery and want to stay clean.
Don’t pick up Mike 
simple ,and just a suggestion.