It’s been 7 months from self-harm and 2 years from my attempt.
I have been typing for a while and deleting what I want to write, it may sound like nothing and dumb but I have no energy to do anything, I feel numb, empty, useless and stupid. I’m reaching a stage where I can’t and don’t have the energy to wear the happy, bubbly person all the time I’m worn out. I want to self-harm and suicidal thoughts are slowly coming back. I feel like I can’t tell anyone because they have “finally seen me better”.
I just want to hurt myself to feel something, blame whatever is going on with me on something. I want to end it all and just stop fighting because it’s not doing anyone any favours, I’m ugly, fat, disgusting, closeted queer no one wants a trans non-binary person in their life, all those just adds to my misery.
I want out from everyone.
I want out from everything.
People will get sick of people like me and my “negativity”. I’m just so sick of it everything.
This is my BS story to vent out to no one.
Welcome @Deanlover88 
I understand your feelings. It sounds like you feel like no one could ever love you and you can’t love yourself. Those are hard feelings, really hard.
Self-harm or suicide won’t help, you know that. It would be like throwing out your bicycle when all it really needs is a little fixing and some oil on the chain. You’re on a journey and you need your bicycle - your body - to get there. You may not understand exactly what’s happening or what’s next but that doesn’t mean there’s no way forward for you. It just means you need to pause temporarily, look around, ask for help, and take one helpful step forward to fix your bike.
You are a good person and you are someone who can care for people and who can be cared for. You are loveable. That is true. You may not see it now, but that’s just because you’re in a room with the curtain closed; the sun is shining outside, you just need to open the curtain and open your eyes.
Down to the more practical level, have you sought support from a local queer/LGBT support group? Would that help? What about a mood disorders support group? I attended one in my city and it was helpful in my early days.
Thank you for your kind words.
I appreciate it, I really do.
I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Unfortunately I’m in a country where mental health is a taboo topic to even mention and being queer can basically be the end of me.
With my disorder it just messes everything up even more, my friendships barely last 1 before they are messed up and people just leave.
I don’t know mate, I feel so much pain and I need some kind of cut, hit or bruise to justify it in any way after that it’s just gets numb and careless.
Sorry I sound like a broken record I’m just repeating myself.
I have been given people me, I’ve been there for people ans helped them but they have left me for nothing.
I’m not bragging about it, it’s just something that keeps happening in my life for a long time, people keep leaving me and the sad part it I just let them go because I know I don’t deserve anything that’s good.
It sounds like you’re burned out; you haven’t been paying attention to your own balanced needs. You would know yourself better than me of course but it sounds like you may be projecting yourself out onto others: caring for others in the way you wish you cared for yourself, but, paradoxically, you don’t think to do this for yourself because of a deep seated feeling that you don’t deserve it (probably learned at a young age; you can unlearn this and replace it with healthy self-appreciation and self-care).
Nope, wrong.
That’s the addict / artificial self-hating voice. That’s not your true self; it’s a veil over your true self, keeping you blind. You need to remove the veil.
Self-hatred is something we learn. We learn to hate ourselves the same way we learn to hate any human being (all hatred is learned, whether it’s personal hatred or racial or cultural hatred). Hatred can and must be unlearned.
Where did you learn to hate yourself in this way?
I don’t know where the hate came from to be honest, the hate always been there as far as I can remember, I might had it all my life.
I don’t understand how can I be burned out when I am still here standing and hurting.
All I do is help people and be there for people because I don’t want them to have 0.001% of what I am going through, they shouldn’t and doing all the good just backfires on me.
What do you do to help yourself?
I don’t know, I never have the time for that.
You need to change the way you use your time. That is a big reason why you are feeling the way you do.
Time is a resource like water. You have ____ amount of time and the results you get depend on how you use it.
What are your goals? Even if it’s something simple, like eating more vegetables. You have one or more goals. What are they?
It is hard to face these circumstances. But it is possible, and there are people here on Talking Sober who have faced and flourished in exactly those circumstances (being queer & highly discriminated against, and working with complex mental health needs). If you search terms like “queer” and “lgbt” here you will find many threads.
Regarding support & social interaction for queer folk, I don’t know where you are, but here are a couple of relevant links (and these are only two of dozens I found in my search); the first is in the UK and the second in the USA:
Reach out to them & see what’s happening. Sharing your journey and reaching out for understanding, support, and connection is something we all have to learn, to move forward - you’re not alone.
Treatment taught me self affirmations that help, getting enough rest and doing one of my top 3 hobbies/ favorite fun things for 30 min each day. They help this guy.
Getting out of our own head is difficult and especially if we are using substances too. I hope you’re not.
The folks you help, the impacts you make on other people’s lives are very important. You are important, always.
There’s only one of you and I have never met ya but I know this place would be at a loss without you.
Here’s a few threads on Talking Sober that overlap with your queer journey - you may find relevant ideas & there are sympathetic & supportive folk there:
Take care & don’t give up. Life is always one small step at a time. That’s it. Nothing is perfect and nothing is the end of the world. Every day is just “what is the next small constructive step I can take”. That is life & that is growth
There’s also a whole bunch of threads here from people recovering & moving past self-harm. Search “self harm” or “self-harm” (not sure if the hyphen changes anything but I mention it just in case) and you’ll find dozens. Here’s a helpful one with wisdom in it
I’m always around for a chat. I know how it feels. I know the struggle. And I know the looks and the guilt and the shame. And the overwhelming urge that seems to drown out everything else.
Message me anytime. Thank you @Matt for linking this.
We want you in our lives here. This may be an online community, but we are real humans behind these screens. I can feel your pain, and I’m so sorry for it. I can’t really add more than our kind-hearted Matt has added, but I do want you to know that we all belong and that includes you. I’m sending you strength and hugs. Please keep talking… we’re listening. 
I agree 100%. It may even sound lame but the best relationships I have are all behind a screen. I know I have resources and meetings and etc but this community has always been there for me. I say things here that I could never say out loud in my personal life.
I have lost interest in doing all my favourite things which sucks abd every time I try to get back into doing them I just freak out.
I’m not taking any substance.
Lately I’ve been just watching cartoons or animations like Family guy or the Simpsons, etc.
Thanknyou for your kind words. I appreciate that a lot.
Thank you!
I am trying so hard but it feels like I’m not doing anything, like nothing is working in my favour.
I’m 7 months clean and I would like to keep that going, my best friend had kept me going (we’re online friends) but timezones and work schedule sucks and he can’t always be there.
I also feel like I’m always the one with the problems, like I’m the one that’s had multiple mental breakdowns.
The urgency of self harming gets intense and I lost everything.
I understand. Another perk of this place. There’s always someone Available. Take a deep breath and just keep pushing forward. And never give up hope
Thank you so much !
Absolutely! Like I said you can talk to me anytime.