Kevin's accountability log

Life in Recovery
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Thank you.
So not only is God helping me to work on my toxic shame, he also led me to a book called EasyPeasy. From that, it explained the high amount of value that I’ve been placing on porn.

Thus, throughout this journey, I’ve been looking at recovery as an uphill battle, a fight, a struggle that will never end. That I’m depriving myself of something that has great value. And God didn’t want that for me. He wanted me to enjoy this new life. He wanted me to see that porn has no value. It has no benefit. It’s worth $0. And this euphoric experience that I was getting by using is simply an illusion. I’ve been tricked. The only value that porn has is the value that I place on it. And if porn has no value, it has no power. The only power it has is the power that I give it.

I no longer desire porn. I’m not craving it nor am I fantasizing. And I’m not looking for it by ogling at women around me. And I’m not going to start because I know how fragile my mind is. I now equate porn as having the same amount of value as a piece of moldy bread. One can place moldy bread all around me and even put it to my lips. And say, “Here you go, Kevin. You can have just one. You’ve earned it.” The thought of that seems ridiculous to me. Because I don’t want it. I’m done.

Now, recovery still continues for me because of the toxic shame that I’m dealing with. But as far as I’m concerned, when it comes to porn, that chapter is over.

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Day 31.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I survived. After spending days still preparing and cleaning for the holiday, I was exhausted. My son’s girlfriend and her mother were here. And we made it through. That was the first time we met the mother and there was some anxiety. I’m glad it’s over. And best of all. I made it through sober.

I had opportunity though. This morning, my daughter, being Jr. Miss queen in our town, was passing awards at today’s Turkey Trot this morning. I spent a lot of time looking up and bouncing my eyes today. With all the women dressed in their gear, I knew that too many looks was going to overheat my brain. It’s kind of like taking that first drink for me. It’s not the women’s fault that my mind is fragile. Anyways, had to remind myself that I was not missing out. But I honestly never felt more free. At times, I actually enjoyed myself.

I had a similar trigger at the Target store yesterday. There were so many people and most of them were women. I could have spent an hour checking out each one for 3 seconds each. But it’s just easier for me not to look. I really don’t want to get on that hamster wheel again. I’m done with porn on any level.

So I’m really content to say that I’m still maintaining a toxicity level of 4 in my mind. That is excellent. Each day seems to be getting better and I do look forward to what God has in store for me in the days to come.

Thanks everyone. Have a happy, blessed, sober holiday.

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Wow, such an amazing revelation. Sounds simple enough. I’m gonna try it too. Moldy bread eh? Ok

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Yep, moldy bread.

In fact, if you want to try that too, maybe reading the book would help.

Here it is for free

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Thank you very much

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Day 5. Everything that I’ve been learning is still true. Everything.

After years of To-Do Lists.
Experience with 12-step meetings.
Working with counselors.
Posting on fourms.
Exposing my toxic shame.
Uncovering the lies that I’ve been fed.
Seeing that my addiction has zero value.

But is it enough to convince my subconscious self to change?

Nope.

I thought I came close last year though. Understanding how porn clearly was not making me feel good, but instead was making me feel worse.

Spending so much time trying to convince myself that I really don’t want to use. And yet, my sobriety is 5 days.

I’m 51 years old now. And I realize how weak I really am. I probably don’t have another 30 years of life to work on my sobriety. And the toxic shame that I carry is way too overwhelming. That, in itself would take more years than I have left to deal with.

The honest truth is that no amount of therapy, rehab, To-Do Lists, books, meetings, boundaries, postings, is going to train my filthy, perverted mind and eyes to not be perverted.

I have tried to train my subconscious mind to align with my conscience decision to stop porn and lust. I thought I succeeded when I came across the Easy way method. But my subconscious ultimately won. Despite the truth that porn harms me. That the pleasure that I receive is really not pleasure, but an illusion. My subconscious is broken. It’s internal decision-making process has a serious bug in it. No matter how much I know better. It’s a fact that,

My flesh is going to do what the flesh is going to do.

And I cannot stop it. Trying to use such methods to stop my perverted mind from being perverted is futile. I’m really broken about this.

I’ve been to hundreds of Step 1 meetings, shared my story. Shared all the crazy things I did to stop on my own that were unsuccessful. I memorized hundreds of Bible scriptures, went to the altar constantly at church, I wore a white bandana around my leg to constantly remind myself to stop lusting, etc.

And I look back over the decades to discover that I still continue these self-centered methods to try to stop my behavior. Thinking that if I went to enough meetings, if I read enough books, if I made enough postings, if I checked off enough items on my To-Do list, etc, etc, etc…

Then I would finally find the magic formula that would rid myself of my perversion.

Sacrifices… That’s all they are. I believed that if I made enough sacrifices, going to church, praying in the morning, reading the Bible, enforcing boundaries, going to meetings, posting on forums, etc.

Then the sacrifices would be viewed as obedience, and God would help lift me up out of my perversion.

But sacrifice is not obedience. The fact is God doesn’t give a flying hoot about my sexual acting out. He never did. He’s made that clear. But He IS concerned about my obedience. A friend of mine told me,

If God sends you a fix to fix you.
And you fix the fix before it fixes you,
then God will send you another fix to fix you.

In my case, God has been so amazing that He gave me a fix that I couldn’t fix, even after decades of trying. I’ve been guilty of trying to fix the fix. My lust and pursuit of fornication is not what God wanted to fix in me.

To be continued…

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Much of my sobriety attempts primarily focused on just avoiding pornography and masturbation. A few years ago, I learned that it wasn’t enough. In order to stop porn and MB, I was going to have to demonstrate complete custody of my eyes and mind.

Before I was even exposed to pornography at age 6, my mind was already perverted. I discovered MB at age 13. But all attempts to stop were futile. My mind was already gone. It’s a fact that porn and MB were simply instruments that my fleshly perverted mind used to partake in its perversion.

Perverted is such a shame-based word and I don’t like to use such shaming words to describe myself. But I don’t have any better word to describe this. What my mind does is takes information from what I see with my eyes and subconsciously perverts reality. And I know it points to my shame. This feeling of low self worth.

Looking back, in my 12-step experience, the emphasis was on controlling the behaviors. But that’s futile for me. Much of what I witnessed appears more like moderation. For if I can’t fix my perverted mind and my eyes which are full of lust, then it’s only a matter of time before this subconscious decision making process within me leads me to full-fledged acting out. It really isn’t a matter of if, but when and how much it’s going to impact my life. I have managed to slow it down. For instance, I’ve not done a whole lot that would land me in prison. I’m not particularly drawn towards minors. Yet, I know that if I let myself go into full indulgence, my acting out would eventually become more degenerative and lead me down the forbidden path.

People like Josh Duggar. He’s lost many privileges. He’s spending 12 years in prison. And even after he gets out, he’s lost the privilege to be around children alone. He’s lost the privilege to access the internet. He’s lost the privilege to view pornography of any kind. For if he does any of those things, he goes back to prison. Many people feel that he deserves a much harsher punishment. They have a word to describe him, pervert. I can accept that. But I can’t help but feel how my mind is so close to his. I may not have done some of the things that he’s done, but believe me. My mind is just as perverted.

Take away the pornography. Take away the MB. That doesn’t fix my perverted mind, or my eyes full of lust, or my black heart. All I have to do is stop looking and stop thinking. But here’s the truth. I can’t. I’ve tried. Trying to train my perverted mind to not be perverted anymore is about as futile as me trying to turn myself into a dog or a cat. It’s not going to happen. But God is bigger than all this.

To be continued…

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God bless you my friend

You went through a 12 step program for pmb ? Can you go back to that program?

What I do is let the craving fule my sobriety. Substances will ruin everything so keeping that in mind helps also

Also when I get overwhelmed , I remind myself just 1 step at a time

Try not to get overwhelmed ok. You should feel good about where you are. Yet you can go even further and I can see you have a lot of potential to do what you got to do.

You can stay away from pmb I know it and believe it

Send me a message anytime my friend

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Thanks Matt.

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This is a powerful point. I am bookmarking this. Thanks for sharing!

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Thank you, Matt.

I was actually expecting members to challenge some of the things I’ve shared. But instead, I got someone bookmarking it. That’s quite an honor. But I am really admitting my powerlessness before God. I’ve been playing God too much and for far too long. Deceiving myself. Calling myself a Christian. Yet holding on to many aspects of my life. Doing as I pleased. While God calls me to turn over my entire will and my entire life over to Him.

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Day seven. Where do I begin? Calling myself a Christian, I looked at other Christians and often wondered how they were able to conquer some of the struggles in their lives. Over the years, I’ve watched many people break free of their addictions. Where’s my victory? Where’s my blessing? Where’s my freedom? I’ve heard many stories of people claiming God to have taken their bondage away giving Him glory. I’ve heard of others simply claiming to break Free through their hard work. I’m happy for them. But I didn’t understand why others were experiencing sobriety and victory, while I keep falling into the same pile of dirt.

And that last attempt via EasyWay, to train my subconscious self to understand that my DOC has zero value, really started to make a difference in my life. I thought I was on my way to victory. But over time, my subconscious flesh won over. And I’ve learned, that no matter what I try, there is no way that I’m going to be able to control my mind and my eyes. They are too far gone. They are too far perverted. And because my eyes are uncontrolled and my mind is free racing, acting out was simply inevitable. I cannot break free until I do the impossible; to completely eradicate all lust and fantasy from my perverted mind and wandering eyes.

In the Bible, Jesus refers to himself as the Good Shepherd. In another passage, He mentions how He is going to separate the sheep from the goats. If anyone has had any experience herding, it’s a known fact that goats are a lot harder to herd. While sheep tend to be more dependent, easy to manipulate and herd. Goats tend to run off more often, independent, and get into lots of mischief. It’s about three times more harder to herd a herd of goats than I herd of sheep. While Jesus calls me to be a sheep,

I admit that I’ve been a curious, independent, stubborn goat.

Thinking that it was enough for me to have a little bit of quiet time for God in the morning (which usually didn’t happen), then think it’s okay for me to run off on my own, and live my day without God’s presence in my life. Saying to God, “Thanks for the help God. I got it from here. I’ll see you at dinner time. Or maybe earlier if I want a snack.”

That’s not the kind of relationship that Jesus wants to have with me.

Jesus also refers to himself as the master. In order to receive Him, I need to consider Him as such. It’s not enough to just consider Him my friend or my helper in time of need. Although, He does help me and He does care for me. But He made me for His purpose. So in order to fulfill that purpose, I need to let go of my own agenda. If Jesus is my master, then I am His servant. And one that is continually at God’s service. I serve Him, not the other way around.

If Jesus refers to Himself as the vine and I’m the branch, when is it ever okay for me to run off in my own direction like a goat pursuing his own life, will, and happiness? Perhaps, the US Declaration of Independence grants me the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but according to step 3, I’ve surrendered that over to God. Or did I?

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.

Observing others around me, I thought it would be enough to simply do a few exercises, go to meetings, get a sponsor, go to church, have a prayer time, read the bible. Yet for the most part, my life was not really that different. Other than going to a few meetings, and going to church, and praying a little bit, and trying to avoid porn, I still did pretty much as I pleased throughout most of my day. And yet hoped that the sacrifice would still constitute as obedience to God. But it’s not step 3. Because step three entails that I turn all of my life and all of my will over to God. Turning over just a part of it, is not part of the deal.

In the Bible, I am an example of a double-minded man. In this case, some of me is abiding with God, walking in the spirit. But in other parts of my life, I’m not acknowledging God. I’m not even aware of His presence in my life. I’m certainly not praying to Him at that time. This is called walking in the flesh. I’m walking in my own will, not God’s. That’s not step 3. And because I’ve been behaving double minded. That’s evidence of doubt in my life. And according to the Bible, a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. He should not expect anything from God. No freedom, no victory, no blessing, know nothing. And that has been my experience.

I’ve been praying a lot more. A lot more. In fact, one would say that I’ve not stopped praying. The Bible says to pray without ceasing. I realize that as God’s servant, His doulos or slave, I’m not to give myself permission to walk away from His service. I don’t give myself permission to walk in the flesh. My flesh has demonstrated and proven to me over the past three decades, that it cannot be trusted. So I don’t. And by choosing to abide continually with Jesus, having an attitude of prayer all through the day, walking in the spirit,

Then I won’t gratify the deeds of my flesh.
Namely my perverted eyes and mind.

My toxicity level has been at 3 today. It was at 3 yesterday. And it was at 3 the day before that and at 3 the day before that. And it will probably be at 3 tomorrow. But only if I stop trying to live according to my will, and surrender my life and all that I care about at Jesus’s feet. Let your will be done Lord and not mine. And he cares for me. I am most happiest when I’m doing what he created me for, which is to serve Him. I trust that His care for me is far greater than the care that I could offer myself.

The question no longer becomes did I avoid lust and fantasy today? But rather,

Did I choose to abide in Jesus continually throughout my day?

I talked about step 3 a lot in my life. I’ve read a lot of books about it. I did a lot of exercises on it. But I have to admit that I must have never really done step 3. Because none of the step 3’s that I’ve done in my life ever looked like this.

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Today is day 11.

There have been moments when I’ve been walking in the flesh this past weekend. It’s most challenging for me to practice God’s presence and walk in the spirit in the presence of my family.

Someone gets angry about the food, my driving, my jokes, the weather, feeling sick. And my fleshly response is to get impatient and angry. I did that a few times. At those times, I’ve repented. Turned and reconnected with God. This walking in the spirit thing is not perfect, but that’s the goal I’m trying to aim for.

Realizing that my anger often doesn’t work out God’s righteousness, it’s important for me to keep walking in a spirit of prayer even when I’m with my family, which is a lot.

My brain’s toxicity level has been at 3 for the last 11 days. I’ve learned that my flesh cannot be trusted. Not for 1 second. So I maintain praying throughout the day. And my walk with God has never been closer.

Turning my will, every decision, every way, to acknowledge God in everything. He’s my master. I serve Him. Not the other way around. And I sense God feeling joy to have me close to Him.

As God as my master, I’ve surrendered my mind and my eyes over to His direction and guidance. I’ve learned that in order to stop my porn use and my sexual acting out, I need to address my uncontrolled eyes and free-racing mind. For if I don’t do that, then I will continue to fall into the same pile of dirt.

Many people have the privilege to drive. But others don’t. Some never earned the privilege. Others have lost the privilege due to bad behavior. I’ve lost my privilege to look at or think of such things that my perverted mind can use to indulge in it’s perversion. Over the decades, my flesh has continuously demonstrated that it cannot be trusted. So I don’t. But because I cannot do it in my own power and strength. I simply keep an attitude of prayer throughout my whole day. I don’t leave God’s presence. He’s always there anyway. Why check out? Can I really do anything without God? Should I really do anything without Him?

Several times over the past week, my mind, eyes, and flesh wanted to partake in lust. Wanting to go into fantasy. Wanting to take a look at the jogger in my peripheral vision when driving. Wanting to check out all the women in the grocery store. Wanting to entertain that fantasy when going to sleep. Wanting to surf the internet or YouTube. And when any woman enters my field of vision, my flesh wants to stare, but I bounce the eyes. All is confirmation to me that my flesh cannot be trusted. So I don’t. I start praying and I don’t stop. Even when I’m driving, or with my family, or eating, or working. I cannot do this on my own. My will and my way doesn’t work. My mind is seriously broken.
My mind, eyes, and body belong to God. And His way works. God is bigger than all of this.

It doesn’t matter how old, how fat, or what she is wearing. If I don’t look, I’m not going to lust.

But if I do look, it still doesn’t matter how old, how fat, or what she’s wearing. My perverted mind takes me from zero to pervert in less than a second.

One thing that I need to elaborate on. I’ve never developed an interest towards minors. Although, the porn industry promotes it. And if I continue to allow myself to be led by my flesh and my own will instead of God’s will, then I will probably head in that direction.

When it comes to privileges, one who has lost this privilege to drive could still choose to disobey. Getting in the car, that person puts his/her life and the life of others at risk. And that person could face severe consequences.

Similarly, I could choose to permit myself to go against God’s instructions. Don’t look at or think about such things that my flesh could use to indulge in it’s perversion. But if I do, I’m putting myself and others in jeopardy. And I’m facing severe consequences. And I don’t give myself the permission to stray away from God like a curious self serving goat. Because I’ll say it again. My flesh cannot be trusted.

Not for one second.

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Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that.

I can only speak for myself. I cannot speak for anyone else or everyone else.

There are a lot of men (including porn addicts) that can handle looking at women without it going too far. When I was in SLAA and SAA, not a whole lot of attention was placed on thoughts and looks of lust. For many, simply avoiding the physical acting out behaviors seemed good enough.

But over the years, I have discovered that sexual sobriety from the physical behaviors isn’t enough for God. It isn’t good enough for my wife. And it isn’t good enough for me. My mind was already filthy and perverted well before my first exposure to pornography at age 6 and way way before my first MB at age 13. Simply removing the pornography from my life isn’t going to fix my messed up mind. This isn’t just healthy male sexuality. This is perversion. To answer one of your questions, no, I cannot look at a bunch of women, and smile at them without lusting. Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m rude. If I’m directly interacting with another woman such as the grocery checkout person, or a waitress, or bank teller. It is appropriate to make eye contact. And a smile is appropriate too. But it doesn’t have to be a lot. And I can handle those few interactions that I have throughout the day. But for the vast majority of women that are in my field of vision, they don’t know me. And they’re not looking at me. For the most part, I’m invisible to them. And many of them wish to keep it that way. I don’t see any benefit for me to look at any of the women all around me that I don’t know.

As for the second question that was raised, am I white knuckling it?

You’re talking to the king of White knucklers here. Over the past 6 years that I’ve been a member of TS, I’ve probably clocked in over 1500 days of white knuckling. Of course, not all in a row. White knuckling is terrible. Fighting cravings all day long holding on for dear life. That’s not fun.

That’s not what’s happening now. In order to White knuckle, I have to crave. I’m not craving. Because I’m not entertaining fantasies nor am I entertaining lust.

Now extreme sounds like a better word to describe this path of mine. But I’ve tried the less extreme approaches that I’ve seen all around me from others that struggle with this addiction. At this moment, I’m feeling an element of joy, peace, and victory. And freedom too. And maybe I haven’t been sober long enough to tell. So I’m a little cautious. But I’ve experienced 11 days worth of level 3 days in a row. That’s unheard of for me. I don’t think I’ve had that many level three days in my entire life. The toxicity level in my brain usually has exceeded six throughout my time here on TS. Levels 9 and 10 are considered resets.

I feel I need to reiterate that I need to make Jesus my master. Without Him, I can do nothing. I’m not going to try to do this without Him. And that means that He’s not just my helper or the one who cares from me in time of need. Although He does care for me and He helps me. But I’m to serve Him. Not the other way around. If I don’t make Jesus my master, I go back to my old master. Which is sin. And sin is a horrible, cruel, merciless master. In this world, I don’t have the choice to serve nothing. The fact is, I’m going to serve something. I might as well start serving someone good.

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Last week, I reset my counter.

For not only did I fantasize and lust,

I did a bunch of nasty searches on YouTube.
I checked out escort ads.
I checked out sex forums.
I cruised the streets for prostitutes.
I turned off my blocks on Covenant Eyes.
I turned off my YouTube restricted mode.

And last Friday evening, I stopped. And while I was at a church meeting, I felt like my brain was such in a fog. And I believed that I at least still had my sobriety. But the truth hit me that I hadn’t.

So what that I didn’t actually view any pictures because I turned off images in my browser.

So what that I didn’t get busted by Covenant Eyes.

So what that I avoided the more well known porn sites.

So what that I didn’t MB.

All of the behaviors I’m guilty of above are level 9 or greater. That’s a reset.

A former me would have not called this a reset. I’m glad that I didn’t allow my toxicity level to go to 10. But I’m so disappointed in myself. I certainly wasn’t paying attention to my boundaries. I crossed the line and I couldn’t even see or admit it until several hours later.

Anyways, I just needed to come clean. I’m at 7 days sobriety again. One day, this week, my brain’s toxicity level went up to 7. For the rest of the days, it’s been around 4. I’ve been entertaining a lot of anger and rage. My eating habits have been poor. I’m still trying to yield myself over to God, but I have a long way to go.

Small compromises lead to great disasters.
Little sins lead to big sins.

If I cannot show restraint in the smaller things, sin lies at the door. Yielding myself to Jesus’s yoke seems to be the only solution for me.

Gosh! I wished I stopped myself last Friday. There was no real pleasure, only frustration. And wasted time.

Learning experience? Well, pay attention to my boundaries for one. If I had done that, I probably would have averted a disaster. Especially with the operating my phone with no restrictions or blocks. That’s level 9 behavior and loss of sobriety the minute I do that. Once I did that, I made it possible to do everything else.

And I still cannot allow myself to entertain fantasy or lust. If I do, maybe it’s not exactly a reset, but it does the same damage to me as a recovering alcoholic taking that first drink.

Staying in prayer. Not trusting in my own power and flesh. I have hope. God is working on me. I will see freedom. And it’s going to come by submitting my life completely before God.

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That’s a good question.

It’s not uncommon for my anger and rage to manifest while resisting the urge to feed my lust. Kind of like a withdrawal symptom.

And I’m guilty of using anger prior to lusting and fantasizing to increase the dopamine spike in my mind. Since I’ve used fantasy to calm and smooth myself when things go wrong. Playing a traumatic moment in my head, getting angry, raging, destructive, and then imagining it all away by replacing it with a sex fantasy, has been a common strategy of mine.

But all of this is rooted in my shame, including my anger. Because of this internal feeling that I’m worthless, I fall for the following lie.

That if I come off as perfect. Hide my flaws. And don’t be a problem…

Then I will get the love that I want. Get my needs met. And live in a problem free world.

But, of course, this is not true.

Nice Guy Syndrome. So instead of being direct about my desires and needs, I assume that if I behave a certain way, then they’ll get met automatically. But they don’t and that leads to frustration and anger.

Also, I’m horrible with conflict and confrontation. My first response is to flight. Run away. But if I can’t do that, I’ll blow up! I’ll fight! Like Johnny Rambo style. Rage. Violent rage. I struggle with constructive anger. It’s easier for me not to get angry at all. Because my anger goes overboard.

And the anger in my mind is not constructive anger. I imagine some unknown bully or situation THAT’S NEVER OCCURRED. I imagine myself doing crazy diabolical deeds to others and their loved ones. Sometimes, my body will flail around violently as I’m in my imagination. Which leads me to lusting and fantasizing it all away. That’s a pretty unhealthy cycle.

Obviously, I have more to fix in me than just my porn use. And I have to admit that I’m guilty of trying to do it without God’s help. I can spend the rest of my life trying to fix all this wrong within myself. But God doesn’t want me to try to fix the fix. He really just wants to fix my broken relationship with Him. Counseling, groups, accountability partners, books, as helpful as they are, are not a replacement for God’s presence and power in my life. God doesn’t want me to dwell on such angry thoughts. But instead of fighting the thoughts on my own, He wants me to fix my thoughts on Him. And His will, His yoke. In order to really be free, I need to let God be my master.

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Thank you for your honesty. I know the brain fog you get afterwards. It’s surreal. You have to go so far away from yourself to be in active pmo addiction that it’s hard to find your way back.

There’s something on my mind I’d like to discuss with you. Would it be ok to send you a private message?

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Huge hugs Kevin. I dont really have any suggestions or advice for you but i want u to know that I hear you and that Im grateful that youre here. I am always amazed at your insight amd openness on this forum. I agree that God can do for us what we literally can not for ourselves. He can give us strength and inner peace and calmness and relieve that bondage of self in our lives. All he asks from us is that we ask Him. He will never force this on us as he is gentleman. But all we have to do is open that door. Turn to Him not only during the hard times but also to give thanks. I often struggle during those hard times with that urge to take care of it myself. Im so used to not having anyone that i am naturally inclined to want to try and fix my own problems. I literally have to stop and force myself to pray and ask for help, even tho my instinct is to rely on myself. But once i genuinely ask God for help, he never fails me. He will never fail you Kevin :slight_smile: i am beyond proud of you. I really, really am!
On a side note (and i dont want to make this about me but I did want to mention it), i do want to say that ur posts help me. You know my history with the sex trade, and i often never understood i guess why the men i saw reached that point when they felt the need to hire a sex trade worker. I never understood the feelings (the anger and pain) that I felt from them which ioften was transferred onto to me. And i guess ur post helps me to understand in a sense that there is so much more going on than what I saw or experienced from the men I saw. That we are all human beings just trying to survive and feel somewhat okay with ourselves. That I, as a former sex trade worker, wasnt the only one experiencing a hard upbringing or feeling alot of internal pain. Im glad ur write what u do, bcuz it does help me in a sense with my past. Hope ur day improves :slight_smile:

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I appreciate you asking permission.

As a general rule, I avoid DMs with other women. I’m sorry.

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I thought so and I understand. I’ll try to summarise.
As I read about your struggles, I wonder if this book could help you. I got it several years back and it has helped me a lot. It gave me understanding that there’s sometimes more than the eye can see. I dare to recommend it bc you talk about your faith in Jesus. If you’re not interested in the book, that’s ok. Wish you well.

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