Yep, that’s the truth, Cristal. Thank you.
Having a real good few days here. Still craving, but I like how I’m choosing to start making my days count.
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To-Do list Wed 02/12
Prayer 1
Bible 1
Worship
Floss Teeth 2
Clean
Exercise
Family
Forum 1
Outreach
Job Search
App
Wife 1
Love Challenge
Tell wife I love her 1
Give compliment 1
Avoid negative 1
Unexpected kind 1
Call from work 1
Special greet 1
Pray w/ her
To-Do List Points 6
Love Challenge Points 6
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I’m still in this fight, and it’s been a fight. The addict voice has tried really hard to get me to abandon my program and go back to my DOC.
I can’t remember a time in my life in which I didn’t sexualize my feelings. 3 years old is much too young to be dealing with this. I can’t recall what happened for me to be this way. I just have to accept that it is. I haven’t been able to imagine life without sex. It’s just like an alcoholic that cannot imagine life without it. And the high that my DOC offers is many times more intense than anything I have ever felt. But there is a price, the guilt, shame, destroyed relationships, failure in school, being arrested, exposure to STDs, wasted life, false sense of reality, and the picking up the pieces after each relapse.
When I joined SAA at age 23, I had already been dealing with this for over 20 years. That was in 1994. And it’s been over 25 years of fight between my addict and I with me going in and out of groups, Chronically relapsing for most of my life.
Yes, my addiction has been a stronghold in my life. But my addict has also recently come to a revelation; that I’m also a stronghold to him.
I’ve demonstrated l that I always get back up, return to group, seek help, for the past 25 years.
My addict knows that I’m never giving up, ever. For the first time in my life, I’m sensing the addict getting discouraged.
I never wanted to fight. But I was left with no choice. This road that my addict wants to travel on leads to a dead end.
I don’t see myself ever strong enough to do this alone. But if I continue to ask for and receive help, results will follow. I’m ready to go another 25 years of fighting if I have to, until I’m on my deathbed. And my addict knows that now because I just demonstrated it.
Sobriety has a lot of gifts that come along with it.
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The ability to recognize emotions.
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The ability to see reality.
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Increased self love.
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Better relationships with my family.
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Friendships with people on TS and CR.
And all these things go away the moment I relapse. I cannot have the best of both worlds. Relapse has taught me that. Relapse doesn’t make me stronger. It makes me weaker. I don’t want to lose what I’m regaining.
I’m looking forward to the next few weeks. I get another chance to experience 90 days, than 100, then 200, then a year. This could be the year. And I’ve got a lot of help. I’m going to need it for a long time. Do not anticipate me leaving TS anytime soon. I’m not afraid of failure nor success. I want what’s in store for me.
I surrender to God this desire to get drunk on acting out sexually. I will find new pleasures in life. I will learn to enjoy my life without it. I will fight and reach out for help, Forever. You can count on that.
thank you
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I tried to do a CR Zoom meeting tonight. I kept getting kicked out. It turns out that my phone overheats when on the app. 
My wife says that she’ll let me use her phone for the meeting next week. Until then, I’ll stick with TS and phone buddies.
I’ve recently returned to an old forum I was part of, Blazing Grace. I felt they would challenge me to reconcile my dwindled relationship with God. It’s only about 6 of us, but I’m glad I returned. I confessed to them of keeping secrets. They thought I was sober 2 years. It was a lie. The truth is that I haven’t made a year in over 13 years.
It’s been almost 3 years since I was on it. I’m glad they’re still around.
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I love this Kevin. I mean many of your posts I’ve liked and will continue to, but this one was somehow extra personal and inspiring. God bless you and your family.
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Glad you were honest and that you’ve found help there too. Nice of your wife to let you use her phone.
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I wanted to share a picture of what my experience has been lately. I cannot speak for anyone else but myself.
This shame that I’ve been carrying is a real killer. And it’s desperate desire to seek validation from others undermines and sabotages my recovery from SA.
I feel God has been helping me to heal some of that brokenness within me and there is enough repair so that I’m finally able to take better custody of my eyes and mind. There’s still a lot of work to do in me. I don’t know how that’s all going to go away. But I can see why God was more concerned with how I viewed myself with self hatred then He was with my sexual acting out.
I’m discovering that what makes me a sex addict is not what I do, but rather, what happens in my own mind. So I have to take care of it; I have to protect it. But until recently, I never had that ability. Thus, fighting the cravings while avoiding acting out was kind of an unstable equilibrium. One wrong move could set everything off. Long term sobriety seemed impossible. Actually, it is impossible, as long as toxic shame continues to flow through me.
My wife broke her arm two weeks ago. Roller skating. As we get older, our bodies can’t do what they used to. She wants to keep skating, but I think it’s a bad idea. My wife has fragile bones. She also has a fragile stomach with her gastritis issues and diabetes. There are certain things that she can’t do or partake in because they will fry out her body.
Someone with osteoporosis should not go water skiing. The bones and body are too fragile for such a person to do that kind of activity. The risk is not worth it. The bones are too fragile.
An albino should not go out into the hot sun without eye protection. His/her eyes and skin are too fragile. They’ll fry out.
An alcoholic has fragility. Having one drink will lead to an out of control bender leading to drunkenness, blackout, and hangover. Such a person cannot drink like a normie.
Everyone has some level of fragility in the body. When I was very small boy, I remember riding in a car in the backseat with some older kids. The sun was very bright. And as I was looking out the window, I tried to look at the beautiful sun but it was so bright and uncomfortable. I complained about it and the other kids gave me some really wise advice.
Don’t look at the Sun.
If I stare at the sun long enough, it will fry out my eyes. Although I’m not an albino, my eyes are still fragile.
My mind is fragile.
In fact, my mind is so fragile that one small spark of lust turns into a flaming inferno very quickly. Other people can handle various sexual stimuli without going out of control. But I cannot try anymore to behave like a “normie”.
In order for me to stop acting out completely, the lust has got to stop; all of it.
The cravings don’t stop until I stop the craving.
So I’ve been very careful with what I expose my eyes and mind to. This not out of rigidity or legalism. I’m simply choosing to take care of my mind out of love for myself. Just as looking at the sun will fry out my eyes. Taking in too much sexual stimuli will fry out my mind.
I’ve stopped looking at women; except when directly interacting with them. Otherwise, I refrain. I’m not blaming women. It’s not their fault that they’re beautiful. Similarly, I’m very careful with what I view on my phone, TV, ads, etc. It’s all too much for my mind. It overheats too easily and I need to be careful with it.
No sexual fantasies or thoughts. That’s too much for me too.
It seems like a lot for me to take this all in. But I remind myself that my mind is fragile. I don’t look at the sun because it’s bad for my eyes. In the same manner, I don’t look at women because it’s bad for my mind.
I’ve also been taking better care of my teeth and eating better. Being mindful of how much I’m entertaining myself on my phone. Too much stimuli is just too much for me. Again, my mind is fragile. I like the way I put that. Fragile implies that it can still work. It may have been broken, but there has been some repair. And I’ve learned that if I take care of my mind and protect it against damage, it actually works quite well.
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Day 11 evening check in:
Tonight, as I was at a farmers market event, I confess that I took a second look at a woman working at a table across from me. Each of those two times, I glanced at her as she was bending down and I don’t think she was wearing a bra.
After the second time, I resolved not to look at her again. That incident raised my toxicity level from a 3 to a 5. But because I didn’t continue to feed my lust, I was able to calm down.
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Day 13.
Yesterday, I was at another farmers market. And a lot of women were there.
There were times, I wanted to look and lust. I chose not to. I felt my toxicity level at about 3 and sometimes 4.
And later that night, I had started to entertain a some fantasies, but I had stopped before they got sexual. Level 4, for sure.
Today, I was at a fall festival. And later in the day, I started lusting a few times at the women around me. I didn’t let it consume me. I did stop, but I wanted to get that out. I was at level 5 today. I did give myself a chance to wind down to around level 3 when we were done. Sometimes, just being in the environment where there are lots of opportunities to oggle at women is a trigger for me. I had to remind myself regularly that my mind is fragile and it’s just easier for me not to look.
I’ll talk more about levels and what they mean to me at a different time.
Thanks
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Level 0: No urges or cravings of any kind. No fantasies. No temptation whatsoever to think immorally or lust after anyone. Can look at anyone and everyone with perfect love. Jesus was is an example of such a person.
Level 1: Minimal desire to lust or fantasize. Very much like level 1, but temptation is low. Can look at anyone without any sexualizing whatsoever.
Level 2: Some sexual desire. Some lust, some fantasy. But non-addictive. Such a person in this level can entertain sexuality in a normal way. Even occasional porn use and other behaviors are available. The difference is sex does not consume the individual. A lot of people fall into this level. They can indulge in such behaviors occasionally without too many drawbacks. Such a person is considered a normie. But like alcohol, too much consumption can raise the person to a level of addiction.
A lot of recovering addicts wish they could be back to this level; to be able to consume their DOC in moderation. For myself, I have never really been at levels 0-2, ever. And I’ll probably never will be. That’s okay. If God’s grace was sufficient for Paul, it’s sufficient for me too.
or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Level 3: No lust, no fantasy. Just an understanding that the danger of entertaining such will lead to compulsion. Although not partaking in lust, still acutely aware of the temptation all around and choosing not to indulge in it.
Level 4: Stronger temptation to indulge in lust or fantasy. But still holding back the urge. Perhaps letting a look or thought creep in, but not much and not often.
For me, other nonsexual things can put me into this level. Things such as overeating, playing to many video games, watching too much TV, episodes of anger can raise my toxicity level. As I mentioned before, it’s not the behavior so much as what happens in my mind. This is the last level in the yellow zone, what I consider the safe zone. Also, circumstances outside of my control can raise me to level 4. Stress from health issues, family, financial setbacks are such examples.
I’ve rarely been in the safe zone since I was an adolescent and discovered masturbation at age 13. Even during most of my time in recovery, my toxicity level has, almost always, been above level 5.
Level 5: Entertaining a slight bit of lust and fantasy. Although, most of the time, I’m maintaining custody of my eyes and mind, in this level, it’s not perfect control. I’ve entertained lust and fantasy maybe a half dozen times or less that day. But not more. This is the first level in the orange cautionary area. The higher I go in levels, the higher the gravitational pull is to level 10. In other words, it’s much easier for me to stay in levels 3 & 4 than it is to stay in levels 5 & 6.
Level 6: Entertaining some lust and fantasy. Although not completely consumed by lust, this level is characterized by numerous instances where I’ve fantasized and lusted after women.
Level 7: In this level, I’m experiencing periods of extensive sexual fantasy and continual lusting after women. I’ve completely lost custody of my eyes and mind at this point and I’m craving regularly. At this level, I’m also showing less restraint with what I allow myself to view on media. This is the first level in the red zone; the danger area.
Level 8: Constant craving, sexual fantasy, and oggling at women as in level 7. At this stage, I’m also getting aroused with media on my phone, TV, or computer. I’m dabbling with P-subs such as watching girls in bikinis or underwear. I’m basically walking the fence of my bottom line. And I get so aroused that I’ll be touching myself briefly at times.
Level 9: Same behaviors as level 8 except now I’m watching R-rated movies, typing in triggering keyword search terms such as sex or girls or certain body parts. Or I could be cruising areas of town where I’ve picked up prostitutes, or parking near a massage parlor, or viewing a sex site using a safe browser with no pictures, or researching or contacting an escort found online or in the yellow pages. At this time, my toxicity level is so high from all the ritualization, that I consider level 9 a reset, a slip.
Level 10: Full fledge relapse. Behaviors include masturbation (usually to orgasm), pornography, strip joints, X-rated bookstores, massage parlors, streetwalkers, escorts.
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Thank you for your honesty and openness. Reading about these levels gives me insight into myself. Such an eye opener! Is there source material for this or have you developed the levels yourself?
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Thanks Olivia.
So I did not get these levels from any specific resource. This is simply just an observation of myself. And I desire to offer a picture of what direction my recovery is going.
I’m glad that others can find this helpful. God works in mysterious ways. Each one of us has our own path and what works for one will not always work for another.
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Day 15.
My TL (toxicity level) has been around 4 for the past few days, maybe 3 in some cases. Anyways, I felt that yesterday was a great day. Monday, I had some challenges with some angry thoughts. Sometimes, I’ll imagine something bad happening, and I’ll rage. And nothing’s happened. It’s all in my head. And it’s unhealthy. That will increase my TL as well. What I’m doing is not as important as what’s going on in my mind. My mind is fragile. I need to protect it. Too much crazy thinking will overload it. I was having some angry thoughts last Saturday too. I need to get that out there. Saturday night, while in bed, I was having another angry thought. I just prayed to God for His help to clear my mind.
And Saturday morning, before our gig, my wife got upset with me because I didn’t wake her up in the morning before I left to pick up my son from work. I tried calling her when I was on the road, but her phone was on “Do not disturb”. I was upset that she blamed me for not getting up herself. I told her that I didn’t want to go to the gig this morning. I dropped of my son. Then I drove off, and did a GrubHub delivery. At first, I intended to keep working all day. Then my clarity returned and felt it best to come home and head towards our gig. I wanted to get up earlier that day anyways. And I didn’t. So I was already frazzled because I was behind schedule. I apologized to my wife for overreacting and the gig went great. God let it all work out.
My wife’s broken elbow has been challenging. She’s right handed and has to paint left-handed. We saw a specialist yesterday and they took a CT scan. They will call us today to see if she’ll need surgery. One thing is for sure. My wife agrees with me that roller skating is a bad idea. As fun as it is, we like our jobs even better. We’re getting older. Our bodies are fragile.
And just like roller skating is a bad option for our fragile bodies, looking at women all around me is a bad option for my fragile mind. For when I look, I lust. When I think it, I crave it. And when I crave, I cave.
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Day 17 check in.
Feeling really groggy today. I don’t know if it’s not getting much sleep, dealing with my mind, or maybe I’m coming down with something. Probably a little bit of everything.
My toxicity level is around 4, sometimes 3. I have had some angry thoughts that I quickly dispelled. A couple nights ago, I delivered for a woman that was dressed comfortably inner t-shirt and biker shorts. I kept custody of my eyes, but I was honestly a little triggered. It’s not her fault. So I just had to calm down a little bit after that interaction.
Yesterday, I had to deliver a vibrator for someone. I felt a little triggered about that as well. Again, I’m not blaming the person that ordered it. Triggers are going to happen and I’ll get through them.
It may be a while before I experience an entire day at level 3 which is feeling absolutely no temptation throughout the day and no desire to look or to lust. That’s okay. Level 4 seems a lot more manageable to me then level 6.
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I’m sick. That’s why I’m groggy.
I’m experiencing flu like symptoms.
Dehydration, feeling light-headed, muscle aches, extremely tired.
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Speedy recovery!
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Day 18.
My wife made me take some vitamin C and some Tylenol to reduce my fever.
She also made me stuff garlic in my ears, UGH!
The fever is gone. And I’m not dehydrating anymore. Other than some muscle soreness, I’m feeling much better.
My toxicity level is around 4. Being sick and groggy kind of impacts that. I wanted to fantasize at times, but I still chose not to so that my brain would stay in a good place.
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Day 19.
I’m still sick. Fever, muscle aches, some chills. I feel better than yesterday, but I’m definitely not out of the woods yet.
Maybe I have Covid…
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Feel better Kevin. Hopefully, it’s not covid. Either way get lots of fluids and rest.
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Day 20.
The fever has broken. 11am. After taking Tylenol, within 2 hours, 90% of my back pain is gone. That was the worst backache ever. I’m glad it’s over.
My toxicity level is still hanging around level 4, sometimes 3. That’s a good place for me right now. I’ve had a habit of changing my mood with fantasies for a long time, particularly when resting in bed. And I’m glad that I’m finally able to take custody of that.
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