Hello. I can actually say that I am over 11 days clean and I am feeling good. I am creating playlists on Apple Music and YouTube to help in me refocus when I am my weakest. I am also changing who I follow on socials. I am going to remain victorious over this addiction.
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I understand what you are going through 100%. I’ve battled this addiction since i was 12. I am now 41. I relapsed a few days ago and it’s killing me. I’m just so tired of this. I started the year 5 months clean. I was checking in daily, but i got overconfident and i’ve not had that same determination. I’m going back to what worked for me, starting last november. I just can’t stand having a guilty conscience anymore. I’ve felt like this for the past 18 years and i’m tired. Everyone, keep fighting, i’ll do everything i can to check in every day.
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Great to have a group that helps support others with this cunning and baffling disease. I’ve been fighting it for nearly 5 years, in anger for the last two years. 96 days is my longest streak for sobriety. I’m currently on day 24, taking one step at a time, in recovery groups, therapy and with accountability I will recover, I will be sober. I resonate with every post here and I know the battle can be won, just not in my own strength like I used to fool myself. Thank you all for your honesty, experience, strength and hope to defeat this evil influence on our world.
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Thank you for this reply Matt. Sorry it took me this long to respond. Thing is, we recently went through a devastating tragedy. We lost our son at 3months old and since then we have dealt with the loss in different ways. I became more attracted to her sexually. Perhaps because it was the way I wanted to cope with the loss and get comfort. She, on the other hand became withdrawn and felt guilty about experiencing any pleasure or joy.
I did take your advice seriously though because our relationship could do with some more “investment” on my part…
Thank you for the reminder!
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Back again. Starting with a positive, although I’ve had my fair share of ‘cravings’ or triggers today, as well as uncertainty on how to navigate this in a relationship, I do feel better for not just succumbing to my cravings. I feel a better sense of self control and I genuinely do feel a bit better. I don’t want to get ahead of myself as I’ve essentially just had a 2 year relapse. Looking back I’m pretty sure I got 180 days clean, my longest clean time for pmo ever. In that time I started a new habit of going to the gym, applied for university and got and stayed sober from drugs and alcohol. It was a highly productive time and I felt like I had a lot of energy. Lately, honestly in the last probably 18 months my energy level have progressively been getting worse, I won’t leave my room because it’s my embarrassing cesspit… I imagine if I died using and like my family had to come it’s so disgusting and embarrassing. That’s fd up to even day but honestly it was a motivator to stop. My thoughts got so disgusting….
I know trying to stay clean is going to be very challenging, so I’m reaching out. I have tried to get help locally but I couldn’t find anything. I’m willing to try SA meetings although I worry I won’t take it seriously or it will be triggering. Having a sponsor would be cool though if anyone with 2 years clean time wants to be a mentor that would be great…
I’ve decided to try make a change today without having a long term plan for this, so right now I’m just navigating the cravings… that really doesn’t sound like the right word… anyway, going to try sleep now, 1:40 am, have class at 9am… anyone do pmo abstinence in an active relationship? Advice? Or do I just break it off crazy as that sounds.
Cheers guys
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Yes I have / I am. Does that mean it’s been a cakewalk and I haven’t had any slips? No. Does that mean I’m making steady progress and have been since I started working on this 3 years ago? Yes. Progress, not perfection.
Things that help me:
- Intimacy work. PMO, any time it becomes a habit that causes regret, always includes intimacy dysfunction and/or intimacy deficits as causes. I do not mean physical intimacy. I mean healthy, growing emotional intimacy: true, healthy, sincere, growing, exposure and vulnerability, on an emotional and interpersonal level, with your partner. It means taking risks, as individuals and as a couple, and making investments (risking something of yourself, in a healthy way, for the chance to grow together).
- Counselling. My wife and I have attended counselling, off and on, for 5 years, and in particular for the last 3, while I’ve been working on my recovery. Some counsellors are OK and some are really great; all of them have helped us move forward. They’re like coaches in sports. They train you with the skills you can use to succeed in game day (in life).
- Mindfulness exercises, in particular body scanning and tactile meditations (in my case I’m a very tactile person). www.InsightTimer.com helps me.
I know faith Is important to you as well. Kevin shared an insight yesterday that hit me hard; it’s a perspective change, taking the focus away from the self (a focus on me as the centre of things, which is strange, when you think about it: who am I, the incomplete, the imperfect, to imagine that I can, alone, fully conceptualize who I should be and where I should go (and how)) - taking the focus off the self, and resetting it to a North Star, a guiding light:
Take care Duncan and don’t give up.
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To get a little more concrete: in addition to the counselling about communication and connection - emotional connection, which we’ve been growing for a year now - I am, individually, currently working on “resetting” my brain and opening space for new pathways focused on healthy physical intimacy.
With the support of my wife, we are doing 90 days of total celibacy. Everyday kisses and hugs are ok of course but anything that starts angling to sex is a no go for these 90 days. At the end of those 90 days we will revisit physical intimacy in a fun, exploring way, just having fun together and cultivating enjoyment.
Of course during these 90 days emotional intimacy is still very much active: walks in the forest, board games, picnics, day trips, sharing about our ups and downs and our feelings, etc.
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The important thing is you’re reaching out. You’re taking steps to not hide anymore and that’s super important. We can only be free when we stop hiding.
As for breaking off the relationship, if it’s a healthy relationship, keep it. If it’s causing you to go back to PMO, then leave. Be mindful about it and decide carefully.
As for an SA meeting, they have them everywhere and I highly recommend joining one. Most meetings I’ve been to are not triggering because they try to avoid using triggering language. I know the LDS church has a very well structured program for sex addiction recovery. Might want to try that. Also it wouldn’t hurt to get the White Book for sexaholics anonymous. It’s basically the AA book tailored for sexual addiction.
Lastly, your fears that you won’t take it seriously… I would encourage mindfulness. If you’ve reached a point where the addiction causes you more pain than it’s worth, then it’s time to get clean. Getting out, being accountable, reaching out to your local SA group - these can all help keep you committed to the path of healing. One of the ways I stay clean is I mentor at the same therapy group that helped me get clean a year ago. It keeps me strong and committed to lasting change.
You can do this. We’re all here because we’re tired of stumbling in the dark. We’re tired of the pain, the guilt, and the shame. Be strong and of a good courage. 
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I did it. 365 days porn free. I tripped, I stumbled, I craved, but I never went back to viewing porn.
Now, I’m taking additional steps to make sure to keep moving forward. I’m mentoring at group therapy, I’m cleaning up my social media, and keeping active in local SA groups.
It’s a beautiful day!
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I’m reading this book called, “Atomic Habits”. Helping me to work on my identity, and change small things every day. It’s a very good read.
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Very proud of you bro. What an achievement! I mean that 100%. Keep up the good work bro!
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I just want to say Duncan. I’m glad to see you here. And I’m glad that you are deciding to come back to this area of your life.
I’ve had some setbacks too. I’ve come back to TS kind of unexpectedly. A few weeks ago, I was at full blown relapse.
For me, I know what it’s like to have stretches of sobriety lasting 100+ days, but still not experiencing the freedom. White knuckling, fighting the urges.
My relapses have pointed to a lot of things. My toxic shame. My distorted sense of reality. The high amount of value that I placed on porn. All true. By the way, if you haven’t read Easy Peasy, please do.
But all of my relapses have pointed to another very crucial important thing. That is my broken relationship with God. I’m going to be talking a lot more about that in the coming days.
But I am so glad you’re here. We have today. Today is the most important day. And today, we don’t have to be drawn away from reality, from truly living life, from living according to God’s purpose in our life. Today is a good day. Today, we’re free. God bless you brother
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If u have an iPhone u can have someone put a child lock type thing on the internet and they will have a password to get in and change the settings . Just a suggestion that makes it less easy to access.
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Android, “Lock me out” is a great tool you can use to lock out of the internet/apps. You can even make it so you can’t get delete or circumvent the app in any way.
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quick summary of atomic habits.
Checking in, day 1.
Spoke to a councillor over the phone today, was good. Feel like it helped a lot. Next session in two weeks. Didn’t discuss PMO but that’s fine it wasn’t a topic I wanted to discuss at this time. Grateful for one day, feeling better just overtired, dark circles, can’t sleep at night. Maybe too much caffeine.
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I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, could not sleep, had no outlet. Finally got to sleep after reading the bible, the only thing that could calm me down. We got through, Day 5.
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Checking in day 8. Cravings still just as strong. Been acting out more on food than usual probably to consolidate dopamine loss. Very counterproductive behaviour. Trying to stay strong in my abstinence regardless. In an active relationship so treating that as unrelated as it’s not the problematic area
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Day 12. Checking in, proud of myself for 12 days. Feel better in myself. Still not sleeping. Had a few days of really bad food binges resulting in a night of being really sick. Had a good few days, been unconsciously fasting and eating a lot less and far better food… lost a bit of weight too which is good. Cravings still there but I seem to be capable of navigating them as the come. Only five weeks of uni for the year and I’m off, can’t wait although there’s alot to do between now and then. Trying not to fret about the oncoming workload. Feeling like space is opening in my life to explore ideas and thoughts. Perhaps that’s the accumulation of extra energy and time I was otherwise wasting. Either way it feels great and I’m happy I was brave enough to try again.
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