Ok guys. I’m gonna try and briefly share one of the things that’s been on my mind recently. I know I’ve shared it before but rn I’m having trouble talking about it, so I’mma just try and talk here.
I had a boyfriend. He had mental health issues too and manipulated me into letting him do stuff to me. I’d just sit there and wait for it to be over. He was emotionally manipulative and made me feel worthless. One of my friends helped me when I realised how bad it was. He helped me figure out what to do. He helped and talked to me when I was really dark after. Then he assaulted me. He claimed he was trying to help me and make me feel good. But I was curled up trying to make it so he couldn’t unbutton my pants. When he did, I ran upstairs and claimed needing the bathroom. I stayed upstairs then, he kept trying. I was leaning forward trying to block him. I couldn’t talk. It all felt so unreal and scary.
Now, I randomly get what I call flashbacks, for lack of a better word. It pops into my head and I either feel like I’m there and can’t get out or do anything, or I just can’t stop the memory but I’m aware it’s not real. It sucks. And I have random triggers, like the couch we were on or his part of town, or male genetalia. And it stinks.
I’m constantly thinking about what I should have done to stop it and stuff. I blame myself some for letting it happen. I’m also really mad at them cause it’s such a shitty thing to do to a person and they fucked me up. I sometimes wish that staying mad at them could keep me from blaming myself but it doesn’t.
And sex is hard to talk about, as is assault, as are relationships and mistakes you’ve made, so this is really really hard of me and it stinks cause I need to be able to tell someone and answer questions about it so I can get help.
That was not as brief as I though it would be. Ah well.
Been reading back through your thread? Noticed you reread some of my posts.
Lol yeah. It’s crazy how much different I am. So much more optimistic. Even when I hate myself and hate everything, I still see a future happening no matter what and I still have some hope and optimism. Its a huge change and y’all helped a lot. I still want to change more but I’m realizing how much I already have. And how scary how I used to think was. And how impressive it is that I made all that change. Oof. Lots of thinking and some tears cause wow.
Sorry to hear about your ordeal. Through my personal history, I can choose to be a victim or a survivor. Talking about the events was one of the steps I took to overcome the shame and blame. I found out important to share only when I felt really safe, whether it was with friends, family, AA group, or therapy. At first, I would speak in general terms. Then, depending on the group I was with, I would share more if they responded to my first share in an understanding way. Also, if I was in a women’s group, it was much easier to share personal problems.
Hope that helps.
Me too lol. Exactly. But i have a lot of trouble talking about anything, even smaller things. So it’s a process. Yeah. That’s part of the issue. There’s a girl in my group therapy who makes everything about her and will minimize it and relate it to her experience and idk. She also ises the words gay and retard as insults which I find offensive. So most times when she’s there, I’m uncomfortable. Which is definitely part of it. I wanna wait till I feel like I’ll be supported and respected.
Yeah, that makes sense. I’ve done that. When there are new members, I have to explain some and I just say yeah, I had this boyfriend who was a jerk and then this friend who was a jerk and they did stuff that like messed me up. Mad general.
It’s so good to hear from someone with a similar experience cause it’s a totally different thing from anything else in my life.
Thank you! 
This is a great set of points from @Phoebe. It’s important in cases of trauma to take things carefully and feel safe when sharing, because trauma has a powerful effect on the mind. A therapist friend of mine has mentioned to me that diving into the trauma too much too fast or in the wrong environment can complicate the healing process. I meant to encourage you to share with your group insofar as you want to and would find it helpful, not to push you to share.
Speaking in general terms and assessing the group response sounds like a good strategy. You don’t have to share anything more than you’re comfortable with, and if someone in your group is going to react the wrong way, better it happens before you get deep into it.
I know you’ve probably heard this a million times, but it doesn’t matter one bit what you did or did not do. It doesn’t matter if you made any mistakes. Nothing changes the fact that you were wronged and assaulted, and that is 100% on who assaulted you.
I’ve been assaulted, and I was so convinced it was due to something I did wrong that I didn’t even realize it was assault. My brain also blocked it out entirely. I’d remember fragments once every few years. Then 11 or so years later, I started remembering again on a regular basis, and could then start working it out in therapy. At this time when I finally realized it was assault, that was when it became real, when it started to wreck me, when I started getting flashbacks. That’s when the real work began. I’m not any further than you in trying to stop blaming myself so I don’t have tips on that. It’s so weird how it’s so obvious logically that assault is assault, but some secret part of our brains is somehow able to convince us that there was something we did. It’s a mystery to me.
So happy to hear that your life is doing better! I get that you always see going to seek improvement, which is right and good, but better is awesome.
Yeah. No I super want to talk about it cause I know it’s the only way to heal, but oof. For some reason I just can’t. No, you’re not pushing me. I am lol.
Yeah, I agree. Actually yeah. If anyone rects badly then it won’t be crazy awful, just slightly awful lol😆
Yeah, I know. But at the same time, I wish I’d done something. And it’s hard to remember that that wouldn’t have changed it. Yeah. It’s super not on me but oof. That’s hard to remember.
Yeah. For months I didn’t think of it as assault and then I realised and was like dang! That’s like a crime and like really bad. What!? I keep remembering new things.
Wow. I kinda wish I didn’t remember lol. Which I know I really don’t want, but still.
No exactly. Our brains are like magical. But in a bad way.
@Kakimime1 If there is someone dominating the group and minimizing the comments/sharing of other people, that person needs to be called out on that. They aren’t ready for group therapy. That therapist needs to step up and create a positive atmosphere for everyone there. Could you talk to the therapist privately about the problems in the group dynamics? Believe me, I have been there and experienced the same thing. When I pay money for a service and someone else hogs the time, I get annoyed. Standing up for yourself in the group is a healthy thing to do. And it’s a way to practice that behavior before you confront anyone else in your social or family circle.
Yeah, but I kinda do that too. Less so and I try not to, but still… I have no right to talk.
I could talk to her but if she brought it up, she’d call me out too. I mean, she’s not hogging the time. Well she is, but she makes me uncomfortable. Like if I talk about how I was assaulted, she’s gonna go yeah, I get that. I remember the first time I kissed someone and would talk about that for like five minutes, then we’d be off topic and I’d sit there like welp. Ah well.
But I don’t share much. Partly cause of her, partly cause there’s new people, and partly cause it’s hard.
But the one person who’s been there since I started is planning on leaving as is the one other person I like. She’s only going for a few months, but still. And I’ll be even less comfortable. Idk. Ah well.
Hey y’all. So I’m worthless and stupid and no one should like me cause I suck. Also my family thinks vacations are more important than me having shoes that aren’t painful. Whatever. My mom’s constantly doing this shit and I’m fucking done. She keeps bringing up that were poor then talking about the trips she’s planning and it’s like bitch, you want more money? Don’t go to DC and new Hampshire. You don’t need that. You’re fine. Get your kid shoes and maybe with that money you saved, you can stop constantly fucking bringing up that we have no money. And its all the time. I get it bitch. I get it. And she’s trying to get me to quit therapy too cause it’s mad expensive. I know she wants me to and I know that’s why. She keeps asking if I still think it’s helping. Whatever. Maybe I should just quit. I’ll spiral, but who cares? I don’t matter anyways. I think that’s what I’m gonna do. Who cares anymore? Doesn’t matter if I cut. We can’t afford therapy so whatever. Plus, I don’t deserve it anyways, so who cares? And I do deelserve to bleed and get friggin scars all over me and be disgusting and have no one live me so who cares. Ah well. I hate everything. Especially her.
Welp. Not anymore. Ah well.
@Kakimime1 Sounds like you need a cuppa tea and comfy pjs. Sending you a warm hug. You are loved.
Get it all out! That’s what we’re here for. I sure hope your day gets better🙂
Yeah. Thanks . Kinda wanna do that tonight, Tbh.
It did some. I talked to my friend, made a wreath, and had some chicken nuggets. Comfort food😊. Thanks for letting me vent. Whoo! Idk what that was. I’m bad at ending these. So long!
So I had a nightmare last night. I haven’t had them in months. I used to try and avoid sleeping cause I was scared I’d have a nightmare and the habit stuck. But yeah. Either way, I’m just hoping it doesn’t come tonight.
Oof. I started scratching and caught myself before it got bad. But oof. Ahhhhh. No I hate this. I hate me. I suck. Ugghhhh. I hate this. I need to stop.