Wanting to cut so freaking bad. I have to stay at my friends house this weekend and I don’t want to. I know it’s gonna go badly and I’ll have several panic attacks. I just want to cut so bad. I can’t ask my mom for help cause she’s the cause of this. I feel so alone.
Been thinking about suicide-- not like doing it, just about cause it was a thing in my past and that’s what I know to think about. But I’m too self-aware now. It’s annoying. Now I know enough to know that I don’t want to die, I want to not have to do this. I want to not have the panic attacks. I want to not exist for 4 days, then re-exist, which isn’t dying. I know I want to live and I have plans and goals. I’m just so stressed and depressed and mad and idk what to do.
I have been depressed and suicidal too in the past. I was depressed for so long that I didnt even know I was depressed because that was just my way of life. I still struggle. There is a book called “Lost Connections.” By Johann Harri that finally made me recognize my depression which also is a big factor in my self destructive ways. Anyway he talks about the 9 causes of depression. A few examples are past trauma, disconnection from nature, disconnection from other people, disconnection from meaningful work, not having a passion, disconnection from a meaningful future… I cant name all 9 off the top of my head. anyway. I had like all 9 I think. Climbing out of the hole I was in was not easy. I had to force myself to go be in nature every day. Force myself to quit my job that was killing me, force myself to make tiny changes like excersize and eat healthy. Dream up a brighter future for myself. Get therapy for past trauma. And anyway I am not saying I am 100% but I am a hell of a lot better and not thinking about suicide anymore. He also has a book “Chasing the Scream” which is about addiction. I havent read it yet. But sounds really good. So yeah. Depression man it sucks. Its an uphill battle. Especially because when you are despressed thats sometimes all you feel like you can be. But those are all lies. I promise. It can be better. You just have to reconnect. 
You can do it. I have faith in you.
I do have past trauma and disconnection from pretty much everything, except the future.
I’m so glad you’re doing so much better!
It super sucks. Especially when the people making you feel worse claim they’re doing it to help you.
Thank you. I know I can get better. It may just have to be after I leave this den of hypocrites.
How do you make yourself not cut or drink or whatever your doc is when you really really want to?
I feel like I need to do something.
Find something inspirational to watch or listen to. Deep breaths. The best thing for me is to run as fast as I can or excersize until I cant think anymore. I read books to keep my mind off of it. I try to remember how shitty it makes me feel. How shitty I will feel after. Set a goal. Get out of the house and go somewhere. Watch a movie. Go to Target. Drink a coffee. If that fails I eat ice cream. Talking to someone about it helps too if I had someone to talk to. Im thinking of trying AA.
Keep your head up
I did the inspirational one. I can’t work out rn cause of physical stuff.
For me it doesn’t feel shitty. I only stopped for my mom. Who Im hating now.
I’ve been watching a lot of ‘The West Wing’ lol.
I’ve been thinking of trying AA too, but I’m scared😆
I’m thinking of going to my first meeting tonight to just see if it’s good. Idk. I found one for young people.
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Idk though. I’m mad nervous.
Also my dog isnt home. My mom brought him to our friends house for when they’re gone. And my dog is the best thing in my life rn and I hate everything and I’m struggling even more.
I miss him so much.
I just figured out how to use this on my laptop, lol. And I’m weirdly excited 
Also, I’m having a lot of trouble not hurting myself. I was so mad I punched myself in the car. I’m so mad. And depressed and anxious. Luckily, I only have Calc and Study halls before my counseling tomorrow. So that should help. I think I’m going to tell her how much I’m struggling. Obviously I’m gonna hedge it some so they don’t need to tell my parents or anything. I’m gonna tell her I’ve been thinking about hurting myself and I’m not going to, but it’s hard.
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What meeting is it? Did you go? What are you mad about? And how did it go with the counsellor? And most importantly, when is your dog coming home? All the questions!!
In terms of what I do when I feel like drinking. I remember why I stopped. I remember that drinking won’t actually make me feel better, it will just put off how I’m feeling and then I will also have all the feelings of guilt and everything else to deal with.
Sometimes I also get very hung up on thinking about how I’m feeling and it only makes me feel worse. Shifting to what I’m doing is helpful. Writing a list of stuff I’ve done makes me feel a little less useless.
How’s it going today?
There’s a few near me this weekend. They’re ones for young people or ones with a beginners meeting so I can hear the spiel.
I’m mad at my parents for making me flip my life upside-down and live in a whole different house in a different city.
I’m meeting with her at like 9:30 today. But we met yesterday too, and she kind of reccomended just ignoring what my parents want lol😆
My pupper is coming back on Tuesday, I think. I miss him so much. He always jumps on my lap when I’m sad and licks my face and lets me hug him. Now I have no one to hug 
Hmm. Yeah. That’s true, it’s not a long-term solution.
Hmm, yeah. Dwelling doesn’t help much. Yeah, I’mma try to focus on tasks and getting things done. Also I’m working for 7 hours today, which is nice.
Today. It was my first day to be home alone and honestly, it was awesome. I wish every day was like that. Also I’m supposed to go to my friend’s house tonight, but I’m working till 10, so who knows? At the earliest, I’d get there at 11, but idk. Oof. I guess I’ll ask my parents. Idk. I’m working till 11 on Saturday too lol.
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I was able to get through the first day, but I only got like 4 hours of sleep. Maybe 5 total. Yeah. Also I think day two panic attacks may be happening tonight. Idk. I’m thinking tomorrow I’ll just lie and say I have a doctor’s appointment so I can leave early. Idk.
Hey y’all. Is anyone here? I’m lonely and sad and have two more nights away from home. So idk.
So have you moved house like a permanent thing? Or are you just away for the weekend?
Sounds like you have a good therapist. Good for you for opening up to her! Did you end up going to your friends house?
No, for the weekend. I have gotten maybe 8-10 hours of sleep TOTAL in the last two days. I want to go home so I can sleep well tonight and tomorrow as I have school on Tuesday.
Don’t be scared of AA, it is what has helped me get over some difficult time’s including separating from my partner a week ago. No one can do it alone
Wow. I’m just worried it won’t help or they won’t accept me cause I self harm, not drink. Idk. I’m scared of everything.
I’m feeling worthless, lonely, like there’s no point. Idk. Feeling like there’s no point in trying not to hurt myself. Been crying a lot.
I’ve also only told 1 person this, but I really don’t feel like myself. Like I don’t feel like I’m here or alive Andi don’t look in a mirror and identify with who I see. Like idk. I feel like I’m floating above everything and just watching everything go on around me. I feel so robaotic and idk how to tell anyone or explain it without sounding completely insane or without them just telling me it’s noting and it’ll pass. Cause it’s been years. I’ve been living like this for years. And I have no idea how to stop it.
I’m just really sad rn, sorry y’all.