I want to hurt myself so bad. It’s literally taking all my energy rn to not hurt myself. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.
Feeling better. Not 100% yet, but I got in touch with my bf. I love him so much and he helped me calm down.
I’m also designing a card to carry with me so if I have a panic attack or flashback in public, I don’t have to worry about anyone freaking out. It basically explains it’s a panic attack and not an emergency, that no one should touch or come close to me, and that if they want to do something to help, they should help me focus on breathing.
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That’s a great idea. Check you out, totally owning where you are at and doing what you can about the stuff you can control! 
How long will it be until you know what difference the vit d supplements will make?
Thank you. I’m also working getting a medical disqualification from jury duty in a few weeks, as I can’t stay awake long enough to serve.
Vitamin d is about another few weeks. Iron would be in about a month. I’m starting a new stimulant though that I’ll take until both meds kick in. Then I’ll stop and see if the vitamins helped. That way I can stay awake until they’re effective. So yeah.
My one worry is that my new med can be addictive/ habit forming. I don’t think anything bad will happen, but I do worry. Ah well. I’ll just need to be extra vigilant.
I’m to the point now where I sleep every other block in school. So basically a half hour after every hour.
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Being aware of it is really good - have you had that conversation with your doctor? If you are clear that you want to be weaned off of it as soon as you possibly can be, they should support you with that.
I just remembered another part of the house I was in when he made me do stuff. I don’t wanna go in detail on that context rn. Maybe later. I just can’t now. But I’m freaking out and having flashbacks and crying and I’m scared I might hurt myself. Just cause I don’t feel like I’m in my body rn and I tent to accidentally hurt myself cause I don’t realise something will hurt me.
Idk why but I always punch my head during flashbacks and I’m just trying not to do that now and it’s hard.
Yeah. We’ve just gone over it in that it’s an effect. And we’ll be taking me off it in about 2 months and might go back on after, but hopefully I won’t need to.
Kaki,
It’s good of you to share. This is hard. But it makes perfect sense that you want to block the memories out. Although, the way you’ve done it in the past has been destructive. It’s time to work through these flashbacks with someone, Your counselor, maybe? When you’re ready to share more, we’re here.
Thank you.
What do you mean destructive? Sorry. Just confused a bit.
Yeah, but it’s just too hard for me to talk about. I still haven’t been able to say it out loud. Idk. Idk how to get to the point where I can talk about it. Anyone have any advice?
I mean that in the past, you used cutting to escape those negative feelings. It was your coping strategy to deal with the pain of your past.
Just keep sharing what you can at the moment. Maybe write it all out on a piece of paper and burn it afterwards so no one has to know.
One of the AA promises reads:
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
That’s tough, but it makes sense that we’ve used our DOC to cover our pain for so long. It’s time we start feeling it. Otherwise, the end result is relapse.
Oh, yeah. True.
Thank you. Yeah, that’s cool. I like fire too, lol.
I like that. True. But it’s hard. And now, in psych, were watching a thing about serial killers and one raped and killed people and it’s mad triggering so oof.
@Kakimime1 kaki I know that you are struggling with this right now but I have no doubt that you will work through this as soon as you are able. This whole thread is testimonial to just how far you have come,from where you were at at the beginning of your thread to where you are now you have come one hell of a long way and many of us are immensely proud of you. I have no doubt that you will overcome anything that gets in your way now or in the future. Your a warrior m8. 
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Thank you. Yeah. When I look at the beginning it’s really hard to see. I was so much worse back then. So much better now.
Thank you! I haven’t thought about my journey in so long. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it so much!
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Hey y’all.
Dealing with mad fatigue rn.
Today I went out to breakfast, then voted, then went to the dog park for an hour or so. I got home to start doing some schoolwork and I feel asleep within 10 minutes. My mom yelled at me to wake me up like an hour later. She asked me to clean and after she left I fell asleep again for at least like 2 more hours. It’s annoying.
It’s weird also. I feel less tires when lying down, I think cause it doesn’t take as much effort as sitting upright. But yeah. It’s difficult rn.
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New medication is a double-Edged sword.
It’s keeping me awake some. But because I can’t sleep, I don’t have a good way to recharge in the day.
Here’s how I explain it:
Imagine you went to a bright, loud, crazy gym with no earbuds. You ran for an hour and worked out the rest of the time. Now think how exhausted you’d be later. You have adrenaline during it, but after, you’re pooped. That’s how I feel all the time. Except I don’t have to do all that. I feel it if I walk, see bright lights, gear noises, talk to people, stay awake for too long, etc. Daily things. So I usually sleep every hour or two for 15 min to 2 hrs depending on how much time I have.
Anyways, my new medication doesn’t make me feel that way less, but it makes it really hard to sleep. So when I get tired, I usually sleep to let my body and mind rest and recuperate. But now I can’t sleep. I sit in a quiet room. If no one is there, I close the doors and turn off the lights. It takes longer to recuperate, but it helps still. Idk.
I’m mad tired.
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Wow, really?
Oof. I’ve been researching both of those. They suck. I’m really sorry you have to deal with that.
Yeah, I don’t have a diagnosis. It’s really annoying. I’m having a sleep study (but they have to be scheduled months ahead). I have a vitamin d deficiency and iron deficiency, but the supplements haven’t helped. So, sleep study time. Then if they don’t find anything, neurologist time. We’ll see.
It’s a long, annoying process. It’s annoying cause it’s been 2 years of tiredness. And it’s been really bad for almost 8 months. And they just took it seriously 2 months ago after it became life threatening (falling asleep while driving). But tbh, it’ll probably be almost a year of trying to find out what it is. Which is annoying.
Honestly, it’s really cool that someone else understands. It sucks that you have to, but it’s cool. So thank you for letting me know😊
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I want to see if I get get my bf to come to Boston in a few months for prom. We’ll see. I hope he can come. I’d love that.
Wow, that’s really cool! I’d love some info! Thank you!
I totally need to figure out ways to deal with how tired I always am. I suppose fatigue is probably a better word. Because if you’re tired, sleep generally helps lol. And it doesn’t for me.
Thank you so much. I hope you have a great day too. Sending you sunshine and positivity!
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Currently sobbing. Everyone around me is stressed out and it’s stressing me out. Plus I’m scared of getting sick cause then I couldn’t hug my mom, or vice versa. Plus, I’m scared of blood draws. Also I’m tired and in pain all the time and it’s so frustrating.
Plus I’m on my period so I have awful cramps and emotions and idk. It’s annoying. And I keep just wanting to sleep on the couch because it’s so hard to use all the energy to walk all the way upstairs to my room.
And everything’s just coming out now. In the form of a teary mental breakdown. And it’s making me nauseous.
Do you know if your boyfriend is able to come to your prom mate?
