Nope. I haven’t asked. But I doubt it. If he can’t even return my texts, I doubt he can come all the way to my state. Ah well. I forgot. It was dumb.
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I forgot I was worthless. In healing, I gained self- worth. That was dumb.
I should have known I was worthless to him. I should have seen it sooner. I guess I’m just dumb and worthless.
Idk. I used to tell myself over and over that I was worthless. And I was lonely and sad all the time. But I didn’t get hurt. So idk. Rn that feels like a good trade-off. Idk. I’ll elaborate later. I’m too emotional and tired and gross and idk rn.
Now feeling quite a bit better. About to work on my speech for a bit. Writing speeches about mental illness and stuf, cause my friend convinced me to go for my dream of becoming a motivational speaker.
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Speech writing sounds good! And that’s awesome that you have a friend who is encouraging you to follow your dreams.
Thank you! Yeah, I’ve always felt like I couldn’t make money so it’s not worth trying. But now…
I’m thinking that even if I make no money at all, it’s still worth the effort. I think writing this stuff and telling people about it would help with healing, plus, I could help others. And idk. Yeah.
Btw if you or anyone else has any advice on how to find places to speak, how to write well, or anything, let me know.
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Also, I like that drawing.
And Jake is a really great friend. He makes me feel positive and makes me want to be a better person. It’s really awesome.
Got to get ready for work so can chat more another time but a couple of suggestions.
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Look at any mental health charities that might need volunteers in your area to help them speak, collect donations (and say thank you). Not paid but good experience!
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Check out Toastmasters International, like a public speaking club
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There is a website called SOFFI which I use. It’s focused on fundraising but has lots of good writing/ communications resources that would probably be transferable in terms of putting together a compelling story.
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Number one would be so cool!!!
Interesting. I’ve only ever heard of toastmasters from an episode of "The Office"
. I’ll totally check that out!
SOFFI. Interesting.
Thank you!!!
As for looking for charities who need speakers and stuff, I’m probably going to post one of my speeches on YouTube and refer them to it if I find anyone who is interested. Would be so cool!
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They don’t care about me. They don’t realize I was up until 4 am (9 am now) having flashbacks and crying.
They didn’t bother to ask why am I so tired why can’t I stay awake this morning. Instead it was, “yeah, we know you have mental illnesses and are tired all the time, but you need to fit our model of our perfect kid and if you don’t we will yell at you until you do.”
And it’s so much harder to be shown by your parents how messed up you are because they’re the one person who should understand. But they care more about me acting like them than me staying alive. Or than me having stable mental health.
But whatever. I guess I’m a screw up who can’t do anything right because she’s a lazy ass bitch. And honestly if I have to be quarantined for months with these people, I will literally die. I can’t be here. When is school going to reopen? School was the one place where anyone actually acted like they understood.
You aren’t a screw up. And you aren’t lazy. They might know you have mental health problems, but it doesn’t mean they understand. I don’t think I understand my own mental health problems
Being tired and stuck in the house suuuck! Hope things smooth out a bit soon 
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Thank you. Yeah, they don’t understand. Yeah. It’s just frustrating.
Haha yeah. We’ll see lol😆
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Does anyone know if you can get PTSD from someone dying? No, not a loved one. Someone you knew as a child, but haven’t talked to in years.
I’m realising how much James passing impacted me. It’s what stopped me killing myself. It still makes me cry. It still comes up when anyone talks about death, suicide, or even just says that name. It makes me panic or cry or get quiet. It’s frustrating and feels similar to what my PTSD about assault feels like. Idk. Oof.
I don’t know what PTSD is like, but I know grief is weird. Sometimes things just catch us in a way we could never predict. I think that’s normal (whatever normal is). It is particularly affecting when people die young - very unexpected and so sad, all those memories that will never be made and all the potential life unrealised.
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Yeah. It’s really sad. It’s what made me know I could never kill myself. And this week I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot. And it reminds me of him. So it’s hard and idk. I know I won’t kill myself, but it’s torture here and it’s hard.
Also as of rn, cause of Corona, no doctors are doing anything. So I’m not gonna get any answers for at least a few months. I’m gonna call my doctor and ask what to do in the meantime.
My dad just said “I wish I could express my anger to you physically right now.” Because I was fed up with his micromanagement and told him I didn’t like that he took my medication out of it’s container (without washing his hands, mind you) and brought it to me like I was a freaking inmate. Which is what I am in this home. And frankly, if I’m going to be treated like an inmate, I want to at least be getting therapy out of it, so idk if it’s possible during Corona, but I’mma see if I can go to inpatient cause I’ve been thinking about suicide for weeks now.
And I don’t actually want to die, but I really can’t be here and idk. If I have to deal with this much longer or this fucking quarantine thing gets extended, idk how much of this I can take.
Also, when I try to explain how they’re impacting me, they just explain their side and try to excuse it. As if their “good” intentions makes up for the horrible impact they have on my sister and me. Also my sister is feeling like she wants to die too. It’s not just me overreacting. And I can’t deal with literally crying myself to sleep every night and having to watch motivational videos to stop myself from cutting. It’s not sustainable and it’s not safe and it’s just not okay.
Even when you’re mad at your kid it’s never okay to want to physically hurt them, much less threaten to physically hurt them. Especially when what’s making you so angry is them expressing how much you’re emotionally hurting them.
Hey y’all. I have a question.
Does anyone else not gain any effect from over the counter pain relievers?
I take them for headaches, joint pain, muscle pain, back pain, foot pain from walking a long time. But yeah.
I’ve tried ibuprofen, Tylenol- as well as different brands of those. But yeah.
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Have you tried straight up paracetamol for headaches? For joint pain I would look in to vitamins and supplements through Google. Paracetamol sorts out most of my pain other than back pain and I’ve abused opiates for many years so I would have thought they should work for you!? 
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Like @anon13078412 said look up the right remedy for the pain. Paracetamol and ibuprofen target different things. And there are all the home remedies, lifestyle things and supplements to look at too 
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