Question: is there something between flashback and memory?
I feel like the stuff is happening again and I can’t stop it. I can physically feel it. I see the person, I feel it, I get scared. But I know it’s not real and I know it’s not really happening, you know? So idk. Is there a word for that? Does anyone know?
Sad. Lonely. Missing my bf. We’re long distance and idk why, but he never has time. But I love him. And it feels like he doesn’t love me. But he says he does. And we have plans and idk. I miss him. I just want to talk to him a few times a week. Is that too much to ask? I barely have any human contact. I just need to talk to someone.
I’m tired all the time. And I just need my people to be reliable.
What a fucking rockstar! Great work mate 
What’s your lockdown situation? Still doing school stuff at home/ online?
And what’s the plans for college, moving etc?
Thanks!
We’re still under a stay at home order for 2 more weeks. Then slightly more stuff opens.
School is technically still going on lol.
I’m signing up for two courses this summer, moving to the dorms in September. So yeah. Only a few more months here lol. Hopefully-if covid starts to go away some.
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Rant- idk what this is
CW: brief sexual assault reference
So when I was abused/ assaulted/ taken advantage of or whatever, I was like 15.
Idk when I knew I didn’t really ever want to have sex. Idk if it was before it or after it. If it was before, then okay, valid. But if it was after, idk. Maybe it’s some dumb trauma thing? Idk. Maybe it’s a weird emotional flashback thing. So idk. I’ve always thought I was ace but idk when that started.
Cause I love my bf. So much. But I just don’t generally have any interest in sex (with anyone) and sometimes it makes me want to throw up. Idk.
I’m really confused and I need to ask my therapist for advice but I’m scared cause idk. I feel like if I talk about it, she’ll think I’m overreacting, which I know she won’t, but idk. I’m also scared that if I actually talk about it, that makes it real and means I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it on my own and means I’m admitting it effects me and I don’t want it to and idk. I’m scared.
And I keep wanting to just punch myself, which I learned is technically self harm. Idk…but it’s something I do when I’m overwhelmed. So idk if it’s harm or just something I do. Idk.
Ahhhh. I’m just stressed. Sorry.
Edit for spelling
Admitting our vulnerability and asking for help to move on is truly one of the strongest things we can do 
I mean like yes, but idk. I’m scared. If I talk about it in therapy, it’ll be in my head more. But idk. Idk what to do. I’m scared and idk why. I guess I’m scared I’ll feel worse and move backwards.
But you’re right. I’m just scared. Which is okay, but I should probably still talk about it. My crazy brain is just scared lol. Thank you.
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To be fair it sounds like it’s in your head already!
It’s ok to be scared, it is a big thing. But maybe take a second to recognise the progress you’ve made. A year ago you wouldn’t even have been able to think about talking about it.
Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, that’s true. Imma email her probably and just say like hey, this is a thing and it’s hard to deal with. Andthen maybe talk about it in therapy
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Sorry. This is a rant. You can skip it if you want.
My mom got all pissy cause I needed to finish cutting a pice of fabric or I’d have to line it all up again.
But she yelled about I need you to come up. Now!
And I went up. Obviously I was kinda upset. She was cleaning my car, which is really nice, but she was basically guilting me about it and I said I was making a mask and she was like, " well I’m cleaning your car".
And after that whole thing I was so tired I couldn’t get back to it. So I was sitting there, maybe crying a little. She came back in and asked what was wrong. I shrugged. That happened two more times with my shrugs getting more and more dramatic and big.
Then she was like “What!? What’s wrong!?”
And I was like, “dude, I was f***ing shrugging to say I don’t know!!!”
And she shouted at me for like three minutes about how I need to tell her and how I need to just speak and tell her to her face what I need and shit. Just full out shouting and shaming me for it.
I CANT TALK WHEN IM UPSET. Like I CAN’T talk. Like I try and I can’t. Sometimes if I have to, I’ll blurt something out, but it always comes out either super angry or crying and you can’t hear.
Ughhh. Idk.
And I just feel so alone and it feels like no one cares and I just need to die. I won’t. But it’s so hard and after I feel like this, I always feel bad that I didn’t do it and feel like that makes it my fault that I still feel bad. Idk.
I keep having panic attacks/ freakouts because I have to leave my dog here when I go to college. It’s only like a 40 minute train ride to get here. But I’m so stressed. My dog is my life. I walk him, that’s how I get exercise. I train him. I feed him. I sit with him. Even when I’m doing work, he’s usually curled up in his bed nearby.
He’s what stopped me from hurting myself so many times. Cause I love him so much. He licks my face when I cry until I start laughing and petting him.
And I’m scared. Cause he helps me so much. And I always want to be there for him. He’s been there for me when I was up at 2 am crying and I need to be there for him. I’m gonna miss him so bad and I’ve had panic attacks and freakouts for weeks now. Idk what to do to stop freaking out about it.
Edit: Basically, he’s my motivation to do anything.
How about this -
Your doggo has been there for you when you’ve needed him most. What a good boy! He will still be there and will wag his lovely little tail every time you go home to see him.
You will miss him loads but it will get easier to cope with. The unknown is scary but there are lots of opportunities ahead of you. You will find your motivation. There will be reasons to exercise, support networks to build. It will be hard sometimes but it will also be exciting.
Change can be scary - the unknown and the uncertainty. But we can never predict the future. Two years ago you didn’t know you’d be able to handle all the things you can now. One day at a time love, you’ve got this 
How frustrating - when you have tried to tell her in the past it has ended up with arguments! Although on the other hand, I suppose it is good that she wants to know where you are at. Even if she doesn’t seem to know how to ask 
🤷
How is she about you going to college?
Yeah, it’s true. I’m just scared cause he’s getting old. And I want to be there for him. And I want him to know I love him.
I hope you’re right.
Change is terrifying lol. That’s true. I never would have thought I’d be where I am now.
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Yeah, it’s true. My problem is that when I’m emotional, I can’t talk. Like there was a day in school where I had a panic attack and just couldn’t talk for an hour. My counselor was awesome and when she realized, she asked yes/no questions so I could just nod.
But my mom doesn’t understand that when I’m heated I can’t convey information.
She’s okay. Mostly supporting me. She’s expressed that she’s going to miss me a lot. But she’s been really good about it.
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I learned I don’t have sleep apnea. But I move around a lot in my sleep. So I have to wait for the facilities to reopen then I can get one or possibly two different sleep studies.
I’m trying to practice good sleep hygiene and health. I’m also trying to make sure to take time to let myself rest. My problem is my anxiety because I have trouble slowing down. And my problems with myself where I feel selfish/lazy when I’m resting. So I’m working on that.
Also to anyone bilingual here: Are you ever better at expressing emotions in your second language? Idk why, but I’m so much better expressing my pain or experiences through ASL than English. Is it just me? Lol
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Well, my first language is Frysian(spoken in a small part of the Netherlands), my second language is Dutch. I can tell my pain in those languages just fine, but I love English way more. English has a bigger range of words for the same meaning if you know what I mean. One of the few positive things about a gaming addiction is that I speak fluent English.
So yes, I’m better in expressing emotions in a second language 
Haha wow. That’s impressive lol. It also makes sense. Also kind of a cool way to learn a language.
Idk why it is for me. When I’m upset I just can’t talk. Like sometimes at all. Maybe it’s cause ASL isn’t verbal? Idk. Maybe cause all my worst times were using English? Idk. Oof. I’m weird lol😆
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Worked out yesterday and today. I was super tired today and my muscles hurt. The exercise was trampoline jumps and stuff. And now my head is pulsing lol
Was it fun?