I’m supposed to be eating more carbohydrates. But I hate most of them, so it’s hard. Like 80% of my diet is fruit&veg, which is apparently not good. And with the nutritionist especially, it is a good idea to tell them to make sure you’re able to be careful not to fall into old habits.
Most things I can handle myself, but mental health is one that’s really hard. Just because I know there was a time I couldn’t handle it, so I think that’s why it makes me nervous.
Exactly! I hate it. That makes sense, yeah. I’ve written notes before, but reading it aloud is a good step. Yeah, I do end up crying sometimes too, but I just hate it lol. It always makes me sick which isn’t fun.
It might, yeah. I’m not sure. It just feels like there’s so much going on and I can’t just think about one thing. It’s kind of hard for me to think about one thing at a a time because I end up having emotions, but thinking about everything together somehow seems easier cause I’m used to stress. But it’s probably better long term to address them one by one.
I finally talked to my mom about an ESA! We discussed why I think a dog would be best, why I think our dog might not be good in a city, told her I know it’s a financial burden and explained my research on how we might reduce the price.
She was really good about it. She said if it can help, it’s worth looking into. And even was suggesting dog breeds lol. Which I think is a good sign. So hopefully she’ll consider it. And I hope she’ll actually remember lol. We’ll see.
So next time, I’ll talk with both her and my dad, as my dad would be best with the finances and calm her down about that or tell me if it’s not something we can do. And my mom, I think, will be better about understanding how it could help.
So that’s my plan. My anxiety made it really hard to ask about it. And I feel like it’s gotten worse. I had a flashback-y thing the other day and literally threw up out of anxiety. So yeah.
Sorry this was so rambling. I’m stressed and just writing this quickly before bed.
I was just thinking my nightmares might be from when I was younger. Cause my nightmares are all about being in danger. A lot are having to run away from a bad guy in my house. Some are being attacked. I just realised that when I was younger, my sister had bad anger issues. She chased me trying to attack me. I’d have to barricade myself into a room. She attacked me with a baseball bat, threw a ball at me through a window, bit me, stabbed at me through a door, etc. So I’m wondering if that might have something to do with my nightmares. You know, like past experiences coming back to haunt you? Idk.
Struggling today. I keep thinking about harming and not wanting to eat. Kind of stinks. I’ve kind of given up on figuring out what’s wrong with me. I’m still doing my eating every meal for a month thing. But yeah. So I’m still trying to feel better, but I’m starting to feel like I never will, and that’s really hard to think of. But yeah. Struggling a bit extra rn.
I think trying to isolate “what’s wrong with you” is not the way forward. There are many things that affect all of us, our past, our innate tendancies, and they all combine to influence us, in a multitude of that ways. It isn’t one, or even a few things, it is our whole experience, and it isn’t wrong or right, it just is. The point is how do u want to be in the future, what steps can u take now to get there.
Yeah, that makes sense. Focusing on goals is good.
The problem is that it’s been 4 years of worsening health problems that we haven’t been able to diagnose. So it’s really hard to take steps to move forward because I can barely do the things I have to day to day.
But having a goal at least can give me some hope and something to work for. Now I just have to figure out what I want in the future lol. All I know right now is that I want a dog .
Goals can be everyday goals for today or the next day. Today I will do laundry, today I will cook a healthy meal, etc. It doesn’t have to be a goal to be a doctor or run a marathon. A dog is a good thing. Can be a companion and helps give us some responsibility.
Oh yeah, true. Right now I’m focusing on eating breakfast and lunch each day.
Exactly! For me, I love the challenge and the structure of having a dog. Like finding the right way to teach a new trick makes me feel super accomplished. And walking, feeding, and exercising them every day helps me keep a routine even on days when my depression is bad.
I think my next goal is going to be going outside every day. Once I get out of quarantine, at least. Because my classes are online rn, I think it’s important to still get outside.
Content warning: mentions of suicide (no one is currently in danger)
It’s been 3 hours. I can’t sleep. It’s now 3 am. I’ve been having anxiety. First about school, then my old school and how it messed me up, then my friend who died. And for about an hour I’ve been freaking out about how I wish I could talk to his mom. I wish I could tell her how guilty I felt after he died. I wish I could tell her how seeing everyone so sad about him made me realize I couldn’t kill myself. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for her loss. But it’s three years later and I feel like I can’t do that now. I missed his memorial cause I was in the hospital and after that I’ve always felt I couldn’t tell her.
I’m sorry for the word vomit and how intense that is, but I just needed to get it off my chest and tell someone.
Hey Kaki, good that you came here to vent! I’m really sorry about what has happened and that you feel so low. Carrying guilt is consuming. Could you lay that burdeb down and forgive yourself?
There’s a saying that morning is wiser than the evening - it means that if things seem unsolvable or horrific in the night(time), the morning can bring a new perspective. I guess our sensible logic is out of office is the small hours of night. I’m trying to say that ground yourself and breathe. you might be freaking out now but it will pass.
I don’t feel guilty anymore, thankfully. I had seen him in the outpatient facility I was in. For a while I felt guilty that I hadn’t reached out or said anything to him. I logically knew that wouldn’t have done anything and that no matter what I had done, I would still think of something more I should have done. After like 4 months, it finally sank in that there was nothing I could/should have done.
I don’t really feel guilty anymore. Now and then it pops up, but usually I can remind myself that it wasn’t my fault and there’s nothing I could have done.
It’s just really hard that anytime I’m reminded of him I spiral. I’m definitely talking to my therapist about that this week.
I like that saying. It’s definitely true lol. Thank you💜
Quite right. Glad you can remember that, even if you forget it sometimes!
I know you have mentioned wanting to reach out to the family before. Bringing it up in therapy sounds like a good shout as this is something that keeps popping up for you.
Yeah, I try to keep reminding myself. I’ll definitely bring it up in therapy after break. Unfortunately my therapist is on vacation for like a month lol.
Hey y’all. I’m going on my holiday rant. If you don’t want to hear a spoiled brat complain about holidays, leave now.
I hate holidays. All of them. I hate my own birthday. There’s so much pressure. You’re supposed to get people perfect gifts and then act happy when they got you stuff you don’t need/want that they clearly didn’t think about. And you’re supposed to scream in joy at every single gift. And smile constantly. I hate it. Currently in my bed and I think I’m gonna take a nap.
My parents ignored me saying I just need money to pay for food and books for school. My mother got me like 10 different shirts. Half of them are collared shirts. I don’t wear them because I can’t move my arms in them. Which she’s heard me say like a million times in the past 19 years. And she gets insulted if you say you don’t like a gift. And she regifted a gift she already have me once. For my birthday she gave me twister mugs. Yes, twister, the game. But I didn’t need mugs, so I left them at home. And she gifted them again for Christmas.
And now I’m extremely tired from having to pretend to be so happy about everything and from all their noises. So once my breakdown is done, I’m going to bed. I know I sound spoiled, but ah well. I hope everyone is having/had a good Christmas!
Edit: Is there any way to be kind but say “I don’t like or want anything you got me, please return them”?
Trying to just stay around until I can go home. I realized why I had depression in the first place. I hate being here and I can’t wait to go back to school. I’m really struggling. Lots of urges to self harm and lots of urges to stop eating. My family’s fridge is really overwhelming. There’s so much stuff in there and it’s hard.
Also, my family is annoying and overbearing. My dad keeps doing this thing where he says “It’s getting late, it’s probably time to go to bed” then goes upstairs. Then he comes downstairs after he gets ready for bed to sit and watch the TV and then try to make me go to bed. I fucking hate this place and I can’t wait to go home.
You know how they say home is where the heart is? For me, home is anywhere without my parents. I can’t control my emotions or my environment and I can’t deal with this for much longer. But I have to be here for another 23 days. I don’t know if I can take that. I might call my school and see if I can go home early. I’ll have to make up an excuse. Idk what that will be yet. But when I’m here, the only time I have to be calm is from 11pm to 2 am, and sometimes not even then, if my dad stays up. And I need to be able to relax before school starts.
Anyways, sorry for the rant. I’m just struggling. Reminding myself every day that I don’t want to start back at day 1 again.
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