Paul and an addict on every level. I drink and smoke more often than I don’t and feel weak when I look at our fellowship and others don’t use these times as an excuse to drink or use. I do reset the timers but right now I don’t care if its a day or a week, these are just numbers and I’m just trying to hold on to sober moments. My brain struggles to cope with the idea of staying clean and sober for a better future when in fact even our future is not certain. This then breaks down to virus or not life is too short not to enjoy myself. My problem is now reprogramming my mind to what I define as enjoyment bc it doesn’t have to involve substance abuse. I’m not totally lost but I have strayed of that chosen path, I’ve still got a destination in my mind and I’m still determined as ever to get there it’s just going to take a little longer than planned. I’m sober now and this is a more important feeling than it has been in ages, I took my sobriety for granted and it bit me on the arse, now I know it’s not my god given right to stay sober but while I remain sober it is given by God, as you understand him.
Thank you.
Paul, I’m so sorry for your struggles. If I may have this cleared up, have you relapsed? I haven’t seen an actual declaration of this and have been getting mixed impressions.
yes about 3 times in one week. I’ve not drank for 2 days now but it’s not easy. Bought £5 of weed and I don’t plan on buying more when it’s gone.
While everyone is joking the virus entered my life very quickly and put me in a dark place mentally. I’m slowly getting my head straight but it’s a work in progress, it’s strange though that at the times we need the most help are the times we get lost in ourselves and pull away from the people who care.
This is far from over, down but definitely not out.
Could I ask you to just throw the weed away? If you aren’t ready, I wont push it, but it sounds like a much more powerful way to start your recovery back up again. Like a solid statement of intent.
What was the last straw that brought you to this place?
the last straw was having being told the virus was in my work place, everyone freaking out, no one knowing what to do, management asking me the cook what to do like I’ve got a bloody clue, I thought what’s the point in carrying on, I need beer and drugs to de stress, the beer was shit though and made me ill but I’ve found a sweet drink I do like so secretly drank that for a couple of days but I’ve decided I don’t want to live that life and need to stop before it’s too late. The weed is as good as gone anyway and I can’t throw it bc my Mrs is smoking again as well after a month clean. It’s a bit tricky when you make that decision as a couple and your both stressed and weak at the same time.
Fair enough. Have you both decided to stop smoking once it’s gone? Or just you?
My name is Matt and I am an Alcoholic addict. My DOC is alcohol but lots of people smoke weed where I work and I was also given a medical card for PTSD to buy leagally. Today I am 3 months and 3 days clean! My fears in this world of never being good enough used to drive me to drink or use. The fear that’s in this world now has given me thoughts and I am grateful for this forum to be able to share now that I don’t have meetings to attend. The daily 10 step that I do has helped me enormously! I know that I wouldn’t be as calm as I am and the anger and resentments I would feel would come creeping back quicker and with vengeance if I were to use and not maintain my sobriety. I keep up on my prayer and meditation and remember that “God will give you what you need in your time of need”. This has been small things for me even as of late. I just keep watching for the small signs of his existence! Versus wondering why would God do this to the world? Keep strong my fellow alcoholics and addicts we all need each other.
Peacefully, calmly, lovingly, grateful
Here are some resources for those struggling with cancelled meetings!
both and I’m giving the tobacco to someone at work, it’s all planned but I really gotta not drink first and everything else is second to that.
Has she decided to not drink?
she doesn’t really drink, in fact she told me not to ever buy her any if it means I might drink it but she only really drinks Xmas and a birthday or valentines day so no big deal.
Gotcha. At least there’s that. Have you discussed with her how the weed leads to drinking for you?
it’s actually the other way around drink makes me think it’s OK to smoke, I’m going back to basics now though, one day at a time got me 126 days before so that’s the way to do it. And pray to my Higher Power lots. 
Great. I’m glad you have this insight into your habits. Lean on us, Paul. We are here, my friend.
I’m Paul and I’m an alcoholic, nothing major happened this week so that’s good. Nothing changes if we don’t change it, the most important thing going on in my life is still the ability to remain sober, yes I’ve been tested but for 5 days thank god I’ve got the wisdom to realise nothing goes away with alcohol. I don’t feel like I want any which I’m very happy about for week 1. Mentally in a good place, keeping up my prayers, still feels odd saying that, I’m more shocked I pray than I am that I’m sober. That’s it really. Thank you.
Hi I’m Paul and I’m an alcoholic but I’m not that miserable lost, hopeless, lonely, scared, confused,tired, ill, depressed, selfish alcoholic who thought it would be better or at the very least easier if I was dead. I’m the alcoholic who is full of joy, courage, confidence, strength, hope, love (myself and others), forgiveness, pride, determination, relief, humour, gratitude, inquisitive (of the future), and all I had to do was not pick up one bottle.
hi I’m Paul and I’m still an alcoholic drug addict. why do I go around in circles of quitting and feeling untouchable to then picking up and feeling so weak. if I don’t stop soon all the depression will start followed by the usual panic attacks about things I normally do every day but I’ll wake up worrying about work and money and anything else that will suddenly become my problem. How can I go from never wanting a drink again to I don’t know how to stop. How can I learn so many lessons and still be an idiot. why is my Higher Power letting me do this, why am I letting me do this. I have to wake up each day and try again, again and again. it was easy and now I can’t think of anything harder to do than go one day. I’m at that classic stage where you can’t imagine life with it and you can’t imagine life without it. I’m going to have keep coming back here for a while, might not have too much encouragement for others atm so sorry about that but I think I need to let it all out and I don’t have anywhere else to do that. So it’s just one more day and one more fight.
Please come back a lot Paul. You really need to maintain focus on sobriety, because if you continue this way, I wouldn’t be surprised if you die a lonely and horrible death. I don’t know you very well (yet), but I do know you are a very kind man. Not only do you need us, but we need you too.
Hey dear Pauly. I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. But by being here and staying with us you don’t give up and you are constantly fighting. It’s good that you are reaching out and don’t keep fighting alone. Maybe you try the 30 day experiment as well? It would give you a push through the first 30 days and you learn about alcohol and depression and so on. Just give it a thought. You can start anytime
I just manged to find a meeting on zoom so gonna go have a listen to that.