You nailed it. He made me feel like I don’t belong. Wow. Thank you for your insight!
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He does not drink.
This was my first post, so the vulnerability tied up in that actually has made me feel empowered. I am so surprised and thankful for your response!
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Why is it so hard? Maybe I am too hard on myself, expecting perfection from me, myself, I and everyone…not working out so great.
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I appreciate your reply! He thinks I need to just drink every now and then, that I get too attached to it. He also thinks I act crazy when I am drinking (which I do) but also sabotages my efforts by buying me alcohol without me asking. We have been married for 10 years. Don’t know how I can continue in this destructive cycle.
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My pleasure. I think it will help you to think about what you really need here. It might sound weird, but you don’t need validation from your husband specifically, at least, not right now (and anyway, it doesn’t sound like he’s in a mental or emotional space to give that validation, right now). So like Jane said (above), give some thought to where else you can get it. Meetings help - like these:
Online meeting resources
Or these:
Resources for our recovery
And of course we’re here on Talking Sober. We all understand what it’s like. Ultimately sobriety is really ours and ours alone: it’s ours to build, ours to maintain, and ours to understand. It’s not their baby; they don’t always understand what it’s about.
Have a read around here and get to know some of the other journeys. You’ll find you have a lot in common. Give some thought to what you need - and then act. Act fearlessly. Act like your life depends on it. And never, ever give up on yourself: you’re a good person, a worthy person, who deserves a safe, sober life, without regret.
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You said he doesn’t drink? Pour that junk down the drain. He’ll learn quick that he’s got better things he can spend his money on.
Like chocolate. Mmmmm the ones with orange peels in them… 
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You must be in Europe, that was a childhood favorite of mine when we lived there… everything you mentioned is what my mum said to me earlier in conversation. It is up to me… I’ve relied on him for my entertainment and happiness a bit too long. I am ready now. I will take advantage of your links and I thank you!
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He buys you alcohol when you’re trying to quit? He’s enabling you and that’s control.
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Thanks for the insight. I appreciate that, That’s one of the many things he is that I’m working against. Thanks again.
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Glad to hear it! I’m sure you’ll find what you need 
(I’m actually in Canada: we have a lot of the same chocolates, for about half the price )
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I used to binge drink. My husband thought to stop me binging I should drink a little everyday. He also bought me alcohol, and because he wanted to save money, massive cartons of wine. At first, I did drink a little everyday, but slowly I started binging everyday. It was about 5 years ago, when we had been together 9 or so years. Normal drinkers really struggle to understand. He would also sometimes buy me alcohol as a “treat”. It took him a while to understand I really cannot drink. Now he gets it more than I do.
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It can be so very difficult. Keep breathing. We are here and know how hard sobriety is. You have our love and support.
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I started with telehealth, bc covid. It really helps and makes it easier for my schedule/child care. I would encourage you to keep trying to find a counselor.
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I really appreciate what you said. I struggle with needing validation from my spouse and you’re right, it’s not their baby. Thanks.
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I just saw this thread, as I’ve been working all day, but completely relate. My man hardly drank when we met 4 years ago but saw what I was(an said alcohol was like crack to me(he was right)). No one had ever called me out like that. And tho he now does drink daily, he does not become the monster I become after just one. Bc 1 leads to several, or more. And he doesn’t understand that. Hes able to stop, after a couple beers or part of a bottle, whereas I’ll drink til its gone(or hidden from me). I’ve been in a limbo with him saying he doesn’t want me to stop, just cut back. That’s not possible for me. I understand the frustration bc I’m right there. The last time I quit for 5 months was bc of him, an how badly I treated him. But when I relapsed, during COVID, I never felt that same anger/sadness as he showed me before. It’s so hard when your SO cant understand what you’re going thru. Stick around here. Read every day. It helps me a lot. Do it for yourself. That’s the only person you can change 
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I hope you were able to get some rest and clear your head a bit.
I agree, a counselor sounds like a great idea. Venting here can also be helpful!
Are you able to sit down with him when both of you are rested and relaxed to discuss how to support you? I know for me it took my husband some time before he truly understood I was serious and what support looked like. His understanding was a process, much like my sobriety journey.
My husband also suggested I try to just have a few and not go overboard. Haha, we all know how that works. And really, it WAS that he simply didn’t get that sure I could do that now and again, but I would always end up back at slobering asshole defeated drunkeness.
Sobriety is a journey for both parties in a marriage. You will be changing and he will be scared of what that means or of losing you or just change in general. And that is understandable. Only you know the heart of your marriage and if you two can muddle thru this life change that is sobriety. It will require talking together about goals and support and can be an opportunity for growth for both of you.
Matt listed a good resources with threads about spouses. Many of them relate to spouses who drink, but they do discuss what support looks like, so I think they could be helpful to read thru.
Also, do a search on spouse or support or just read read read here. There are 4 years of good advice and people who have been and are in our shoes. You are not alone in this!!
Glad you are here!!!
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Lol @ just have a few and not go overboard! 
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I’m the same, once you pop you can’t stop. I even try to start off with a soft drink or drink soft drinks in beween alcoholic drinks, but ha ha that would be a first 
. I love to out to dinner and have the one drink and be happy and content, but I can’t see that happening anytime soon, lol for one my husband never takes me out . The only time I have alcohol left in the fridge is because I passed out the night before. God forbid using alcohol in cooking, what! Drinking it whilst cooking maybe, but not as an ingredient. I can’t turn back the clock, but this won’t prevent me from moving forward. I used alcohol to gain confidence as I have low self esteem, but alcohol was destroying it. Same with recreational drugs when I was younger (though I have been to some awesome parties). If you have a supportive partner, then allow him to help you, even if it means leaving you alone for a while or just listening to you rant on. Open new doors together. I am doing my ‘upgrade’, as I call it, on my own but I have faced other major issues in my life within the last 6 years on my own, so I am happy and content with this 
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Don’t. You’ve decided to be better, now be better. The only person who gets a vote, is you. You are democracy of one. No one can make you drink, if you don’t want to. No one can stop you from drinking, if you don’t want to.
Just keep saying “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink. Just keep saying “no” to the only person who matters in this equation: you.
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