So, a lot of you will know that I deal with significant mental health factors alongside addiction. Ever since reaching a couple of months sober, the mental health aspect has dominated my focus, with alcoholism taking a back seat now that it’s no longer actively killing me. With alcohol abuse in remission, I’ve gained the ability to see what was really going on underneath all of it and start to deal with it. I’ve done a lot in these 423 days, but only the start.
That process has had a lot of ups and downs. It had another one of those dips recently and I’ve been fighting back, but am discouraged. It is exhausting to be just constantly trying to achieve some stability and constantly having it be upset. To try one avenue of treatment after another and not see the changes you’re looking for. To have simple life goals feel within an arm’s reach one day and beyond the horizon the next. To not be able to do the things everyone around you seems to manage just fine.
I’m still trodding onwards on this path, because I still believe it can change, but that doesn’t mean I don’t shed hot tears of frustration with it as I do so. Currently I’m in the most intense course of formal treatment I’ve undertaken, and it is kicking my ass. Next week, it cranks up another notch. I wanted to give up today, but I’ve still got at least 3 months or so to go. I’m going to see this through, but it is taking everything out of me right now.
I’m saying this partly out of a need to vent, and partly because I know many people here similarly have frustration and discouragement and can relate, whether it is with their own mental health or with their addiction recovery. To those people I want to say that despite how difficult this is, the only way to get better is to push onwards. As much as it might suck to be where you are, the past you was trapped in a worse place than this, and went through an awful lot to get you to where you are now.