"To finish the moment, to find the journeys end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-
Someone shared at a meeting recently that, “If they could wave a magic wand and give the gift of sobriety, they wouldn’t, because they would not want to rob anyone of the amazing journey through recovery”. If I heard that when I was new, I would have thought, “That was selfish!” Now, having lived many years of recovery, I completely understand this sentiment. Our ego seeks the destination; our soul seeks the journey. Evolving in this fellowship, with all its ups and downs, has been the best amusement ride ever. It has been exhilarating, scary and thrilling. It takes a lot of courage and perseverance to grow up and be whom you really are and were always meant to be. There are times I’ve had that pit in my gut waiting for the next turn or drop, but mostly, I can’t stop smiling from the amazement of growing emotionally and spiritually into the person I am today. I literally see life differently, where hopes and dreams are now all real possibilities. Do not go through life, grow through life. The journey through recovery has been better than anything I could have ever imagined. Today, there is nothing better than being rocketed into the 4th dimension, and knowing that the journey has now become the destination.
"No one else ‘makes us angry.’ We make ourselves angry when we surrender control of our attitude. What someone else may have done is irrelevant. We choose, not they. They merely put our attitude to a test."
-Jim Rohn-
The awareness that we have control over our reactions is liberating. Before the program, my Irish temper alienated the people around me, and I got the reputation as a hot head with a short fuse. Even though it was very unsettling for me, I still had no concept of the idea that I could actually control my outbursts or temper. The light bulb went off when I heard in the rooms, “If I let you anger me, you conquer me, because I’m letting you live rent free in my head.” We are not punished for our anger, but by our anger. Quite simply, if I get angry at someone, they win, and more importantly, I lose! The reality is that we don’t have to show up for every fight we’re invited. When in anger, we lose sight of finding reason or the truth. We are 100% responsible for what we do and think, and what we do and think dictates our emotions. If we are honest with ourselves, when we are angry, fear is always laying there in the shadows. Today, “I pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask God for the right thought or action” (p. 87). People still annoy me now and then, but I now know to pray for them, admit my part, make an amends, and/or forgive them. Today, I don’t let people live rent free in my head.
"Home is not just where you live, but where they understand you."
-Christian Morgenstern-
You get me. Until I found the rooms of AA, I was a rudderless ship lost at sea. I never truly felt like I belonged in any social situation. Like many of you, I was walking around life three drinks shy of comfortable. A primary attraction of the program to me was the safety I felt in sharing my true emotions. It was perfectly okay to be hurting, to be overwhelmed with gratitude, or just to be uncertain about life issues. No matter what was going on in my life, I knew my friends in AA would be there for me. They say that if you show me someone’s friends, then I will show you their future. If that’s the case, our futures are bright and filled with hopes and dreams. I love that when I listen closely, I hear my future being shared at meetings. In our fellowship, people see right through me, and they somehow still appreciate the view. What an amazing gift to have so many people in our lives that share a common history and can relate to the tsunami of emotions that overwhelm us at times. Today, AA is my sanctuary, my safe haven, my home.
"We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap."
Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 125
So many alcoholics wear their emotions on their sleeves. Societal norms portrayed this as a weakness, which we bought into, and this also furthered our insecurities. Most of us, myself included, overcompensated by building impenetrable walls around our emotions. We shut down, usually with alcohol, or with dangerous isolation. “Isolation is the dark room where we develop our negatives.” When we come into the program, feelings (the F-word) erupt within us like a volcano, and we have no idea how to process them. Thank God we are given tools to deal with our sensitivities, like sharing with our sponsor, working the steps, and meditation. I recognize that I am overly sensitive, but this is no longer a liability in life; it is the catalyst to my genuine concern for others. We should never apologize for our emotions, because we would be apologizing for the truth. The lie is suppressing our emotions. Today, I feel so blessed to be able to feel all of life, most of which I now see as blessings and a conduit to further and continued spiritual awakening.
There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead."
Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 88
I have seen and experienced that the program isn’t necessarily for people that need it or want it; it’s for people that do it. Our alcoholic disease centers in our mind, but recovery centers in our feet. We can’t get sober through “assmosis” - just sitting in meetings expecting change in our lives. We can believe wholeheartedly in the program and God, but if we don’t put the principles we learn into action, our faith will surely fade away. This applies to all areas of our lives. We can easily convince ourselves that we are “fine,” and just rest on our laurels. We rationalize or justify away the necessity of contrary action, which usually consists of doing something inconvenient, like getting off that couch to hit a meeting, or doing some Step writing. Procrastination is the 5 syllable version of “lazy.” We are fooling ourselves if we try to think our way into right living; we need to live our way into right thinking. All too often we lose members who test this simple principle. I cherish my faith in God, but I know that only by being of service and taking action will I change my life for the better.
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
–Mark Twain–
A turning point in my life and career was the concept of “helping others” in all our affairs. It changed my attitude and made me a better employee, husband, father and sponsor. A natural outcome of our principle of helping others is overall simple kindness to everyone in our lives. That transformation became a game changer in my life. The more I committed to “kindness to others,” the more serenity enriched my life. Kindness is a universal language and highly contagious. The more we practice compassion and kindness, the more we see others around us pay it forward. Kindness is an amazing virtue that can inspire creativity, love, and further compassion. Gratitude can begin through the simple kindness of others, and this applies to both giver and recipient. You never know when a kind word may have an unknown and profound emotional impact on someone who was having a really bad day or moment. I know this has happened to me often in life, and I have come to greatly appreciate these angels all around us. I am so grateful that I allowed the program to shape whom I am today. I am a product of the AA fellowship, and I now genuinely like myself, and this fulfilling life of spreading kindness to others.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
–William Arthur Ward–
Most of us come into the program with a negative and pessimistic attitude. As we gain time, our optimism about life grows exponentially. This is a good thing, but we have to be careful to remain grounded and realistic. We can dream the impossible dream, or we can live the “possible” dream. Too much focus on future goals takes away the appreciation of today’s blessings. Besides, every day we turn our will (self will and character defects) and life (the results, outcomes and expectations) over to our Higher Power. Play in a field of dreams, but leave the score up to God. In my years of sobriety, I have found great pleasure in making the best out of every situation; turning negatives into positives, and crisis into opportunity. It all starts with faith - faith in a Higher Power, and faith in yourself. It is no coincidence that the people that do the most, usually dream the most, and this is a gift the program gives us if we are willing to take the action. Today, I have a positive attitude about tomorrow, and a grounded appreciation of today. It’s a blessing to have hope, where I used to be adrift and lost in despair.
"When I first discovered that there is not a single “don’t” in the Twelve Steps of A.A., I was disturbed because this discovery swung open a giant portal. Only then was I able to realize what A.A. is for me: A.A. is not a program of "dont’s, but of "do’s."
As Bill Sees It, p. 15
We alcoholics don’t do well with scolding - don’t do that(s) We also don’t do well with "you should(s) – don’t let people “should” all over you. I remember being young and people would ask me, “What’s wrong with you?” I had no idea, and I certainly had no idea I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. Arching up was the only language I spoke. So, when we come into a program of action that is a road map to recovery, and living a peaceful life, we become more open to this subtle instruction. I love that the 12 steps only have “do’s” not “don’ts.” The program certainly has a few key don’ts, like “Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn” (stay out of slippery situations - it could be fun, but it could also end very badly). This is a program of action; it is what we do that counts. I feel so blessed that we have a program of action, not scolding; the first 100 AA’s did a nice job of drafting alcoholic friendly “suggestions,” and for this, I am eternally grateful.
"Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around".
– Leo Buscaglia –
Life has endless opportunities to be kind and loving. We have opportunities on a grand scale, but I think it’s the small things that end up mattering the most. Since sobriety, I have been told many times by others that something I said or did made a meaningful impact on them. I often don’t even remember the exact exchange, but I know that my philosophy for a long time has been to “be nice” wherever possible. Random acts of kindness are often the most fulfilling. People don’t expect niceties, so when someone goes out if their way to be kind, it can become a spiritual experience for both. In life, we may not always remember exactly what people say, but we usually remember the essence of their message, or the impression they make on us. If we lead with our heart, genuine sincerity is sure to follow. An AA member once told me about an incident in which giving a homeless person his jacket on a cold day redirected his outlook on life (spiritual experience) and reconfirmed his dedication to the principles of our program. At every meeting, we see or hear small gestures of kindness that can or have made a profound impact on someone’s life. Today, I try to be the best example of AA I can be by openly expressing love, care, and kindness.
"In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
– Joan Borysenko –
Recovering alcoholics are very hard on themselves. We come into the program with a massive amount of guilt, shame and wreckage. The steps, especially steps 4 through 10, help us accept and process our pasts, but it is natural to let self doubt creep back in from time to time. This happened to me not long ago, and when I talked to my sponsor about lingering guilt, his response was, “You’ve made your amends and continue to make living amends, so you have done everything you can. The only thing left for you is to forgive yourself.” I know truly forgiving myself will require a lifetime of positive action in the form of living amends, caring, and helping others. I’ll take that deal! Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it will surely shape the future. We are not that same person that came slithering into AA. We are now in a fellowship of men and women dedicated to a spiritual way of life. Eventually, forgiveness makes that long journey from our head to our heart, and we become free. I thank God that I’m no longer that person I was, and that I can accept whom I am today, faults and all.
"Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality."
– Les Brown –
When I came into the program, I was crushed with caring too much of what you thought of me. Early on, my sponsor gave me Chuck C’s “New Pair of Glasses,” and I was profoundly moved by his clear statement that, “It doesn’t matter what you think of me; what matters most is what I think of you, and I love you.” That became my goal, and slowly through intensive work in the program, I began to care less and less of what you thought of me. What freedom! When we realize we are enough, and we truly accept ourselves, we are no longer crucified by the burden of needing others to accept us. It is so liberating to be able to walk into a room of people and care very little what they think of me, because I know what is more important, and that is that I can express unconditional care and kindness to them and others. As our faith and spirituality grows, we no longer need to be validated by people and things for our self worth. Through the program, especially by extending ourselves to others, we can get all the affirmation and fulfillment we need.
"There is no more aloneness, with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic, that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom."
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, p. 276
Deep inside all of us is a desire to belong. No one wants to be alone and not feel like they belong anywhere, but that is the plight of every alcoholic. Our drinking often times isolated us, but alcohol was only a symptom (p. 64). Our alcoholic minds took us to the darkness of loneliness and despair, which if we reflect back, was probably even there before our drinking. Our book tells us that we need to get down to the “causes and conditions,” which for the most part comes through thoroughly taking steps 4-10. However, our aloneness is quenched best by the togetherness in our meetings and fellowship with other alcoholics before and after. Our love and laughter are the remedies that cure loneliness and bind us together. In AA, we are truly wanted, needed and loved. The expression “Keys of the Kingdom” means so many things, but most importantly, it’s being able to live a spiritual life with others. I am so grateful for the enormous family I was given when I immersed myself into this program. Today, I am not alone, and I cherish the fact that I have been given the “Keys of the Kingdom.”
"In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living".
12 steps & 12 traditions p. 71
If you would have told me in early sobriety that I would value my spirituality over materialistic things, I would have thought that you were way off the mark. But now, having lived another life based on spiritual principles, I understand this concept completely. My life in recovery, like so many of us, has been filled with nice things, but I am no longer driven by the need for “more.” As obsessive over-achievers, many of us rise to a higher level of business success, but this often comes at a cost to our level of humility. If we bring the principles of the program into our everyday life, we can hope to find a balance of humility and achievement. For me, the struggle to maintain humility is a daily surrender. In addition to maintaining spiritual principles, humility is remaining teachable to all that life has to offer. Being in a state of humility frees us from most personality conflicts and makes us more likable to the world around us. I’m so grateful to be guided by a program that encourages honesty, humility, concern for others, and a spiritual way of living life.
"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are." E.E. Cummings
Whom we were before the program, and whom we are today, are two totally different people. The growth we experience in the program is a complete psychic change that transforms our entire attitude and outlook on life. I relate so much to the aforementioned E. E. Cummings quote; my views on life before AA were cynical, very self centered, and somewhat childish (What’s in it for me attitude). I got sober at 25, and I definitely wasted the first 25 years of my childhood! We hear it all the time in some form or another in meetings, we don’t change, our sobriety date will. Change and growth are essential to recovery. Maintaining sobriety is like feeding a parking meter, it’s all about change. I have grown up in the program, and through the fellowship, I have become a person with a kinder heart, honorable intentions, and contentment from within. My life teachers and mentors have been the elder statesmen in the program that have opened their hearts to me and countless others. I thank God that the program gave me the courage to be true to myself and to become whom I was always meant to be.
"These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build."
As Bill Sees It, Antidote for Fear, p. 196
Until I did my 4th step, I had no idea I had so many fears. In fact, before the program, I would have told you that I fear nothing (tough guy image that almost killed me!). Nor did I fully comprehend how much a 100 forms of fear dominated my life. When we let our fears dictate our decisions, we can’t possibly meet our full potential or be truly content. We sell ourselves short and are incapable of breaking out of our tiny fearful existence. For so many people, fear of failure keeps us from taking that giant leap of faith that is required to fully live out our passions and dreams. I love Bill’s analogy of “fears being termites.” Fears are like parasites sucking the life out of us. We feed those parasitic fears with our character defects, and we starve them with their opposites such as courage, love, hope and tolerance. I am so glad I was able to face my fears, work through them, and now live an amazing productive life. There is no doubt in my mind that I owe all of this, and everything good in my life, to the loving guidance from our fellowship.
“The group I joined saved my life … For an hour, I was safe. For an hour, I had a haven among those whose fear had once been as great as my own. I did not give my fear away – they took it. They eased it from my grasp with hugs and laughter, with shared experience.”
“The Scariest Thing”, Carlsbad, Calif., June 2006 Emotional Sobriety
My first sponsor told me to go to meetings until I wanted to go to meetings. This seemed counterintuitive at first, but it didn’t take long before I understood his reasoning. Learning to enjoy the safety in the rooms, and the ability to quiet the chaos within my alcoholic mind, became a welcome respite from life challenges. I looked forward to seeing my new friends and laughing, often hysterically, at the ridiculousness of our actions. Rule 62, "Don’t take yourself so damn seriously,” became a profound healer of my past shames and current misguided perception of my own importance. I so appreciate the sanctity of the room, and the overwhelming willingness of others to extend kindness to anyone that needs it. Whatever guilt, fear, or anxiety I’m wearing melts away the second I walk into the rooms of AA and extend my hand to another alcoholic. The love of AA is the medicine of life’s maladies. Today, I look forward to meetings; my sponsor was right, again!
"Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety."
— Daily Reflections, p. 71—
Until I completed my 4th step, I had no idea that the common thread and root of my destructive resentments was me. To be free, I had to recognize my part and accept my behavior. Only then could I begin to interact with others in a healthy way. I also learned that my part often included “expectations,” which was a dirty word and a euphemism for my selfish, self-centeredness. Our over demanding expectations of ourselves and others sets us all up for frustration and a perception of failure. “Expectations are resentments under construction!” Without question, expectations are directly connected to our serenity, and until I could find a realistic balance between expectations and achievement, I could find little peace. I feel so blessed that the program taught me to accept my part in life and to temper my expectations of myself and others. When I make that morning surrender and turn my will and life over to the care of God, for me, the “life” aspect involves turning over outcomes, results and expectations.
"The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense."
AA Co-Founder, Bill W., January 1962, “This Matter of Fear”, Best of Bill
We are in faith, or we are in fear. The more faith we have, the less fear dominates our lives. A child’s fear of the dark is understandable, but an adults fear of the light of faith, is just as confounding, limiting and sad. In early sobriety, I struggled with faith. I had to draw my faith from the strong beliefs of our elder statesmen in the rooms. As I gained sober life experiences, and lived “This too shall pass,” my faith slowly grew. So this business of faith, for me, partially came from experiencing pain and life challenges and coming out on the other side alright, as we always do. Faith requires sober life experiences, and that requires time in the program. This may not be great news for newcomers, but there is much hope for those who are willing to do what it takes to stay sober. My strong faith in God has made life so much easier. Faith is taking the journey with few directions, but knowing you will still find your true destination. Fear pretends to be real, but faith looks inward and provides the warmth of hope. I know whatever life gives or takes from me, I will be fine, and those experiences can be shared with others suffering from similar challenges. Today, I choose to live in faith, not fear.
