Relapsing in the darkness

Hi i’m J and i’ll be 20 this year, which is freaking me out. I dont think i have ever told anyone the whole story yet, but i started self harming when i was 18, it started with punching myself. That time i thought it wouldn’t get any worse, bcs i know i was afraid of bleeding and having a painful cut.

Then when i was 19 (which was a year ago), i started self harming in the form of cutting my self. I forgot how and why i did it, but i did it anyway using a safety pin and scratch it to my wrist untill it bleeds or untill i felt enough pain to make me “wake up”. Untill recently i begin to cut my self using razor’s blade.

I have noone to talk about it, eventho my mom once knew about my self harming condition, but she didn’t care anymore (i guess).

Now, i feel so alone and empty, and i begin to have suicidal thoughts, how wonderful and calm it must be if i’m gone, so that these loud voices in my head and all the intrusive thoughts in my head can be gone in a split second. But at the same time, i’m also scared, bcs i don’t think i have achieved something in my life.

Even if i am surrounded by my friends, i always feel empty and alone, like noone actually speaks my “language”, like i’m placed in the backburner of an oven. I just relapsed today… so i resetted my timer…

Thats why i want to find someone, a community filled with people who experienced and feel the same (or almost the same). And today is the 9th day of me using this app.
I hope i can find someone and make friends with you guys :heart:


Welcome J. I have the experience of having a daughter who was self harming and had suicidal Ideation. It was literally the worst thing as a parent to see. Luckily she wanted to go to a psychiatric hospital and got a psychiatrist. In her case, her primary physician put her on waaay to high of a dose of zoloft and it sent her spinning out of control. Her psychiatrist has been adjusting and monitoring her meds ever since and she’s doing much better.

If you don’t mind my asking are you under the care of a medical professional to be treated?

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Im so sorry to hear this Jey, you are so young and your whole life ahead, it feels lonely in our own head so please get the medical attention you need, could you open a conversation with your mum to take you to a doctor? If not as you are 20 do self refer you can get better and keep us posted here we care


Hiya im sorry you going through this and so glad your here because theres lots of people here to support in times of need and to cheer you on too :blush:

When i was a preteen i struggled with low self esteem and never really felt seen or connected to people. I craved a sense of belonging i couldnt quite grasp socially at the time. I began harming for a number or years and i think i felt it made me feel safe and a sense of relief/control over ultimately things i wasnt happy with in my life. I would fantasise about people finding me at the brink of death and be finally noticed.
Cutting stopped as i grew older but the self abuse pattern remained the same with the feelings of if i put myself in a dangerous situation someone might save me and ill feel something with someone.
I abused my body through allowing sexual things happen i wasnt really comfortable with, bulimia alcohol and dabbling with drugs.

It wasnt really till now, im 32, i kinda feel like the reason i wasnt able to connect with people is because i didnt know myself or try to connect with myself first. But instead i punished myself rather than experience who iam. Im still learning but iv really starting to embrace and feel empowered by who iam.
As i started to learn myself my quirks likes dislikes and how its actually ok to be quite fluid with life and just to be. I find im able to connect more with people as i know myself more now.

I suspose my only advise i can give is to love yourself immensely and be kind and gentle to youself too. Amazing things can happen.


Oh sweetheart so glad that you found your way to us and I do hope that you keep using this app and become a part of the community. You are so young and have your whole life to “achieve” something. At 20 you are just starting your own adventure into life as an adult.

I have been where you are (wanting to feel something, waking up the numbness inside, making sure you do still bleed and are alive).
I want you to know that you are very much alive and causing yourself pain is not going to dull the numbness inside. I do agree with others here that you should try to get some professional help (it really does wonders to talk to someone). Also check out some of the self harm threads on this site.

You may want to talk to your mom again (she may not know how serious the situation has gotten) – I know I unknowingly wore long sleeves and pants and felt what I was going through was for me and my eyes only (this was all done subconsciously but never the less no one knew what was going on).

If you are feeling alone and empty among your current friends possibly try different activities with a different group of people. Sometimes our social circle is causing us to feel stuck (not that your friends are doing this it’s just how our brain processes certain situations). Try different activities / hobbies. Create something. I know having to make something that I could touch and feel and hold was a great step for me. It made me feel like I created something and I was able to look at it to see my accomplishment. It can start off as a puzzle and then go onto so many different things (paintings, sculptures (sand, clay, dirt even),.etc. Try to do this in group settings so that you are not alone with your thoughts. Do you have “meetup” groups in your area?

The suicidal thoughts are just more of the negativity trying to take hold. If they do get loud – please call a help line in your area. If I’m not mistaken, these exist all over the world and are 24 hours. You are worthy of a full and rich life my friend. The I am so grateful that you came here and I do hope that you continue to seek help / support.
I just want to reach out and hug you - sending you love comfort and support! :people_hugging: :heart: :pray:

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Thankyou very much for your reply…it means a lot for me…
To answer your question, no i’m currently not under the care of medical professional
I do want to search for consultation with a medical professional, but i don’t know how to say it to my mom… And i think its going to be quite hard, bcs in my country (Indonesia), especially the people near me, they see selfharming as a method of searching for attention, so i’m quite scared to ask for my mom about going to a medical professional


Thankyou for your reply, it means a lot :((
I dont know how to bring it up to my mom again, because i’m quite scared and humiliated to actually tell my mom the truth…


Thankyou for your sharing, it means everything <3
I would try to take your advice :))


Thankyouu for the long reply, it means everything to me<3
I dont actually know how to bring it up to my mom about my self harm, bcs i dont think she would accept it… The last time we talked about my self harm, my mom asked me to promise to never do self harm again, but self harming cant just be gone by giving promises right…

I dont have a meetup group actually, but i really hoped to find one in Indonesia, bcs i feel like it can help ease the pain a little


Good morning Jey
You are so correct - you can’t make the desire for self harm just go away with a promise to not fall into the darkness. It is so hard my friend - you need to seek out positivity (this is not easy by any means) you need to start loving yourself and again not an easy road with years of self hate. You do need to get some professional help my friend
I am sorry that your area doesn’t have meet up’s. Possibly take classes / courses that you are interested in and possibly make like minded friends through this path.
Please do talk with someone as soon as possible - you never know (your mom may surprise you). At least call the free help line – hotlines in Indonesia
Please also check out the threads here and continue to engage - This community can offer many virtual friends :people_hugging:

EDIT - want to add that you should place positive affirmations (I am good enough, I am beautiful, I deserve a Happy life, I love myself …etc) Place these in multiple places around your room/ living space and recite them regularly – The mind is so amazing!!!

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@Jey How are you doing my friend? Checking in on you — I do hope you are finding help and working on your self care.


That really means a lot for me that you remembered me, not much people would do that for me😟
I am doing quite better actually, although i was hoping that today could’ve gone better, but well i’m still trying to survive and hoped for the best :heart:


Hey Jey - I’m glad that you’ve found this community and hopefully will stay active here and possibly make some virtual friends.
Good to hear that today was a better day and you are keeping hope alive. I do still think that you should have someone to talk to so please do reach out to the help lines in your area if you are not willing to discuss with you mom.
Life is going to be filled with good and bad days, we need to strengthen ourselves in how we deal with them. Remembering all along that you are special and deserve to be happy – keep working on yourself my friend!
Sending you strength and comfort. Have a wonderful restful evening. :pray: :people_hugging: :heart:


Hey Jey keep checking in here :grinning:


@Jey how’s it going Jey?
it may be healthy for you to do a daily check in on the Checking in daily to maintain focus #55

Hope you are doing well.

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