Day 58. I was able to get my meds refilled today. I took one right away just to get the two week adjustment period started. I’m actually interested to see how my depression and anxiety meds work now that I’m sober. I’ve never been on them without alcohol.
I’m slightly nervous about tonight. The bar I used to bartend at is down two bartenders, so I offered to help close tonight with the assistant manager. When I worked there I would have a least a little bit of alcohol to deal with the crowds, so I’m slightly worried that I’ll fall into that trap.
I’m thinking of letting the assistant manager know. He’s a friend and he knows I’m going sober. I don’t want to bail on him since he works a double at his day job on Fridays, but maybe it will help to let him know my worries. Idk.
Day 60. Today was okay. Not a whole lot to say about it. Bartending went okay. It wasn’t too crazy and there wasn’t any super obnoxious customers which is always nice.
There were a couple of moments when we got a bit busy that I had to remind myself to not take a shot out of sheer habit or stress. I made it, though. I’m still sober. The assistant manager I was working with said that he was proud that I was able to make it through, that he couldn’t imagine how hard it must’ve been. I wasn’t sure what to say to that.
So, yeah. 60 days. It’s weird. It’s not like I’m not proud of my progress, but I feel like it’s too soon to really celebrate anything. Maybe I’ll feel different at 90 days, but I feel like I, personally, can’t celebrate unless I make it a year.
Good for you @ScarletWhisper Celebration takes different forms. Sometimes it can be as simple as taking a few breaths and thanking helpful friends and forces for walking with you. For me personally I feel like my daily review at the end of the day is a celebration that suits me: reflective and grateful (and quiet).
Your patterns are yours, and they are enough. For now, rest, and be grateful for this 24 hours
Day 62. I’m about four days in being back ony meds. The first couple of weeks are always tough while my body is adjusting to them. Some days I feel energized and motivated, some days I feel super low, and others my anxiety is high and I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I’ve done this before, but never without the “help” of alcohol. At the time, I told myself that the alcohol was grounding me. All it was really doing was giving me the familiar feeling of being tipsy, if not drunk. I knew what to do when I was tipsy. I could handle tipsy. Letting myself feel my anxiety was harder.
Today has been a high anxiety day. I’ve never wanted to give in and hit the reset button more. I’m trying to relax the best I can. I’m trying to watch some history documentaries and I’m considering opening a window to cool down my rising body temperature. I thought about going for a walk, but I live downtown and I don’t know if I should risk walking by the bars in the area. I resisted buying ice cream while I was at the store yesterday, and now I wish I hadn’t. I feel so warm and itchy.
Day 72. I didn’t relapse, although there were a couple of days I thought about it. My best friend set up his dog’s last appointment for next week, so I’ve been kinda struggling in general. Even though Zoe isn’t my dog, she is definitely a part of my found family. I lived with her for over a year and I’ve been walking her at least twice a week for about five years now. I think I’ll feel her absence for the rest of my life. I’ve been trying to cuddle my two cats whenever possible which they have mixed feelings about lol
I’m trying to figure out a sustainable budget, but I’m not sure how to do that. I feel like my bills and groceries (including pet supplies) take at least 75-80% of my income, that doesn’t leave a lot to work with.
My plan: buy a budget book to use as a guide and hangout with Zoe as much as possible.
Hi Matt. I’m fine. We put down Zoe yesterday. My friend, Rex, offered for me to be there for her last moments. I appreciate that I was able to be there, but leaving her was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. Afterwards, Rex mentioned getting a small bottle of whiskey and some white claws on his way home. It took all of my self control to not ask to join or pick something up for myself.
It feels wrong to be proud of myself for that right now. It feels wrong to not do a shot with Rex to her memory, like we’ve done with so many friends and loved ones.
Plan: one second at a time. Let myself feel my grief, not trying to dull it - hopefully that will help me process it. Think of a memorial tattoo for Zoe.
Day 80. I realized that I’ve been drinking about 200% more caffeine than I did before I was sober. Is that a sign of my addict brain trying to latch on to something else? I don’t really have to deal with the headaches of trying to kick a caffeine addiction.
I’m doing better today. I’ve been getting plenty of cuddles from my cats the past couple of days, which has helped. I have a friend who has offered going to the gym with me until I get comfortable going alone. I’m kinda hoping that I can turn into a gym rat at 32 lol
Day 84. Not a whole lot to report. I was able to get my two litter box corners cleaned out and refreshed. I’m going to clean another corner of my apartment tomorrow, since I have off. I’m very slowly getting my apartment back to a more livable space.
I was watching a YouTuber yesterday talking about how he has been nicotine free for three years. When asked about how his addiction journey, he said that “you never stop wanting it. You just stop yourself from doing it”. I found it helpful to be reminded that just because I still want to drink, it doesn’t mean I’m failing or I’m not getting better.
This is so true. In my case I have found the wanting is connected to some kind of habit of using external things to change how I feel (external things can be what I focused my addiction on, but the addiction is really about escaping, so it can be just about anything, including food and sweets in my case). I’m not sure if I’ll ever be truly rid of that tendency to turn to external forces to change how I feel. I’m beginning to think the journey is about the effort, and the effort is where I learn and where I find my calm. Being able to accept where I am at this moment.
You’re getting there. And your cats are feeling the benefits. They will thank you
Day 89. Feeling a bit drained today. I spent every day this weekend doing one or two small cleaning projects and feeling really good about it. Today I just had a really hard time getting out of bed for work. Work has been slow lately, so I suppose that hasn’t helped motivate me to go in.
Day 97. I haven’t checked in for a bit so here’s a bit overview. On day 90 I decided to share my sobriety on social media. I was feeling proud of hitting 90 days and I wanted to share, although I was worried that some people might think I was being preachy or something. I’m glad I did because an acquaintance that I know through bartending reached out to me. She is also going sober and was almost to 60 days. We talked a little bit. While I appreciate the community on here, it was nice to talk to someone in my established community face to face.
Otherwise, there’s really nothing to report. Work is…very slowly getting steady again, but it’s still slow compared to April. I’m still keeping up on my cats’ litter box and sweeping my floors. I actually vacuumed today. My apartment is still a work in progress, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to keep up with it.
One thing I kind of “allowed” myself to say out loud is that being sober and being on my medication, this is the best I have ever felt. I told my friend Rex this and he told me that he noticed a few days before I did. He just didn’t want to say anything, because he didn’t want to sway any decision to be sober or not. He was worried that my people pleaser side would stay sober because of what he thought. He was hoping I would notice it myself. I’m glad that I did.
Thrilled to hear you are liking the new mental and physical / emotional space being created with your healthy sober self with your medication. It makes a huge difference and I’m happy you are feeling it!
Life has been a bit crazy. I hydroplaned my car and had to buy a new one which was stressful. I also had to get new glasses because mine broke during the accident. Work has been getting busy and I noticed that one of my cats has a couple ingrown nails, so I’m trying to get Care Credit to help me with the to upcoming vet bills.
Other than that, I’ve been doing good. I was proud to look back on the days after my accident and I didn’t crave alcohol at all. It’s good to see that my brain is learning that alcohol is not the answer to every problem, especially the big ones.
Celebration takes different forms. Sometimes it can be as simple as taking a few breaths and thanking helpful friends and forces for walking with you. For me personally I feel like my daily review at the end of the day is a celebration that suits me: reflective and grateful (and quiet).
