Well, I wasn’t going to go big for my 3 year anniversary sober, but the times they are a changin’ and hey, I am pretty effn proud of my self!!
Seriously, I never thought I would get to 30 days, let alone 3 years. I had been sucking down booze, snorting whatever, taking any and all pills I could find for 40+ years…ever since that PBR way back when and all that acid, microdot, ludes and shrooms back in the 70s. Damn, I even dropped that shit in my eyeball. Smart!!
The party started when I was in my early teens and just kept going. Unmarried teen Mom, high school drop out, welfare Mom, college student Mom, building my career, buying a house, relationships, marriage, abused wife, surviving my abusive husband, burying my abusive husband and on and on and on…success, failures, a great career, mothering, grandmothering, daughtering, marrying again, and on and on…life…all spent drinking, doing drugs. All of it. Years of being a very high functioning drinker…just a party girl who aged out. Living life thru the haze that kept getting thicker.
If you think being in your 30s and having an issue with drinking takes a toll on you…man…I pray you get it together now. Cuz being almost 60 and still doing that …sigh. I don’t do regrets much…but I wish, I wish, I had seen the light earlier and found my self earlier. A cautionary tale.
I lost myself when I was in my teens and stayed lost for 40 years. Lived my life under the veil…numbing my emotions, my spirit, hurting my physical being.
I was abysmally depressed, anxiety ridden, a shell of a person, downing the booze like water. Existing in a small tiny world that revolved around alcohol, hangovers and pain. I tried for years…years and years …to figure out how I could drink and just feel okay. Moderation. Bargaining. Denial. I was deep into the cycle of drink, hate myself, stop, drink, hate myself, stop. Suicidal thoughts were my constant companion.
I was so fucking sick of myself.
And then…another drunken fight with my husband, on his birthday, a day like any other, so I stopped again.
I looked for an app to keep track of days. I downloaded TS a week later. I stopped drinking. It sucked, bad. But…it felt different.
And here I am, 1095 days later, 3 years, miraculously sober.
When I was 56 I found my true self. I battled for this beautiful powerful woman. I am so very proud of myself, so proud. I could’ve continued to exist but somehow…I now thrive. Life is not perfect, my anxiety is still with me (now more than ever). I know I can easily transfer my compulsion to something else. I know my self. I work my recovery every day. I love my life. I love my self.
40+ years is a lifetime. With 10 of those truly despising myself but soldiering on.
I have no great answer for you other than never give up…always get back at it…no matter how long you slide, you can always always come back. When the veil lifts and you truly are able to see and heal your self…magic happens.
Never give up my friends. Never.
For those who have traveled with me, I thank you. My first guides … I see you and thank you. @Robin, thank you for TS, you saved my life, literally. Blessings and love to all of you here at TS. Together, we can move mountains.
