Yikes. Have had some big thoughts in the last couple days. I am going to write about it here as a journal entry rather than a check in because, guys, this is gonna be a long one.
I almost, intentionally, deliberately, bought alcohol yesterday with a plan to drink it in secret.
This is different from the recent event where I was in “zombie mode” while grocery shopping where I sort of reflexively bought the mini boxes of wine and hid them in my closet. That was an old habit and I just did it, maybe kind of like a “fuck it” but not exactly, hard to explain. When I got home I was like “what the fuck did I just do?” and I called my sober friend (who is my temporary sponsor now) and told her and she helped me to tell my husband and we poured it out. There was all sorts of beer in the house that I could have easily drunk (and beer I used to like even) that had not tempted me at all, so it was a different sort of behavior.
ANYWAY…so here’s what’s been going on. If you don’t know about what happened with my dog Chucho who passed away, you can read around here and find out pretty easily, but long story short is he died from congestive heart failure in a very traumatic way after a several months of caring for him. One of the first symptoms we noticed with a dry cough, that we didn’t really think too much about until he started passing out. That’s when he got diagnosed. Miss Lupe is my other dog, about 6 months younger at 9ish yo now. Starting sometime in December we noticed that when she plays with her stuffies she sometimes gets fuzz in her mouth and will gag/cough to get it out. Normal behavior. Then after Chucho died, she started doing it more frequently even when there was no stuffie involved, just vigorous playing. After awhile she would have to stop, start dry cough/gag almost like she was trying to cough something up or clear her throat. At some point it triggered the memory of Chucho’s cough and I go more and more concerned, thinking, “Oh my god, what if she has the same condition, wait no, that’s highly unlikely, she is super healthy otherwise,” just ruminating and doubting until it just kept on progressing. FINALLY, I decide to just take her in. My vet is really wonderful and understands what we’re dealing with in terms of some PTSD type feelings. She got X-rays and examined and her heart and lungs are fine. She may have a condition with her trachea collapsing, but that is not necessarily life threatening and we have a exploratory treatment plan in place for her. According to the vet she’s is super health otherwise.
SIGH. So, I get her home, I have to go run other errands including go to the drug store to pick up my medication and I am heading there already thinking about the beer and liquor aisle that I usually walk down to get to the pharmacy (why oh why is there alcohol in the same place as a pharmacy boggles the mind, but that’s another story). As soon as that thought is in my mind it builds and builds and I’m in that mode of self-talk, doubting my sobriety, romanticizing drinking, thinking about what I would choose if I was going to choose something, shitting on myself for even thinking about it, shaming myself instead of using healthy redirection like I’ve been practicing, I mean I was down the rabbit hole. I get there and I have decided I am going to get something. Something small, just a taste, and my husband won’t have to know and that will be that. I get there and walk by, linger, decide to go get my prescription first, then come back, stand there and am deciding what I want. Then, I remember what another member has said here about wanting to want to be sober. Questioning their desire to be sober after having slipped and had a few drinks. Wanting to have the will to be sober. It just sort of flipped a switch, made me start to get my head straight…saying to myself, “Do I really want to be sober? Why do I want to drink right now? It’s the damn stress of the dog and vet stuff. But one little can isn’t going to hurt, really. But do I really want to be sober?” I went through my pros and cons list in my head. I have been reading posts here lately with people in misery talking about why they joined and they are new in sobriety going through withdrawals, or other people who have had a relapse recently, and I think about my prior relapses. It always starts with just one. I then had this really strong sensation, not just an emotion, but visceral, from my gut to my chest, to my face getting hot. YES DAMNIT I WANT TO BE SOBER! What the hell am I doing here? I have worked so hard to get to 227 days after so many false starts. Why do I want to be sober? Because I don’t want to be miserable, sick, a liar, a shadow of a person, in bed all day hiding from life. I want to live. Not just exist. I want to live.
Okay my hands are shaking and it’s getting hard to type right now, but that’s my story. I don’t regret any of what happened. I realize I want this so bad I am willing to work my ass off for it and clearly I am not doing enough. This also came at the same time as I am getting prepared to start working the steps of AA, I have a sponsor, I had a meeting set with my therapist, I was already getting more serious with my recovery work and I am curious if that might have had something to do with this experience? I would love to hear y’alls thoughts on any or all of this. It takes a lot for me to tell this story so honestly but it is of vital importance that I do, I know that. I came so fucking close to a relapse, and it scared the shit out of me. However, I had some tools and I used them and they worked, even in a situation that near to the big mistake. That makes me pretty proud, I have to say. And I feel stronger for it, more dedicated, knowing that the next time something like this comes up I will have this experience to lean on and remember.
I brought this up with my therapist today. I thought about it all last night and got up early to jot some notes down before the meeting. The question in my mind had always been, “What do I want from therapy?” Suddenly it became abundantly clear that I want to understand why I drink (drank). That’s the main point with a ton of different subsets like, how is my past, including trauma history, contributing to my draw toward alcohol? Trust me, I have thought about this endlessly, but not with a professional. I think this is going to be so helpful for me. I realize part of this is I thought I could quit on my own. Yeah, I have TS and I have been building sober relationships and doing recovery work, but no, I really need to lean into this. Do the steps. Get more serious about therapy. Get my daily routine down. Take better care of myself. You know the drill.
If you go to the end of my novella, I appreciate you so much. It felt good to get this out. I want to hear all the things. Whatever you have to say about this will inevitably help me process this experience. I love being here, as much as it makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes (I’m working on that), I value the thoughts, opinions, and information from my fellow alcoholics/addicts/questioning abstinence folks/whatever.
Big big breath. Time to go put my clammy cold hands in some warm water and meditate for a while. Sending some post-wobbly but still sober love your way, amigos. 
P.S. I cranked this out, there will no doubt be typos. Sorry not sorry.