Reflecting on the quote from Alice Walker, I do see how I haven’t always recognized periods of growth while I was experiencing them. Facebook reminded me today that 4 years ago today we were in the middle of our drive across the country to relocate after 9+ years in our adoptive hometown of Tucson, AZ. We had moved there from Michigan, where we both grew up, and while my husband had lived all over the US and was used to a more nomadic lifestyle, this was my first big move away from my family other than leaving home to go to college less than a 2 hr drive from home. I think the move to AZ, no, I KNOW that move was the beginning of a lot of my issues with anxiety, depression, and using alcohol to cope. Hindsight being 20/20, I might have anticipated that the move away from my new hometown to a new community where I yet again was pulling up roots and settling somewhere with no support system in place would be triggering for me. And that I only needed to look back to learn some lessons and do things differently this time around. But I was already in a low low place, deeply depressed and barely able to function through the anxiety, drinking heavily and just not in a good place. It was a time when I was first seriously considering how alcohol and me didn’t mix anymore (well, it hadn’t for quite some time, but…yeah.) and was having thoughts of quitting for the first time. The thought terrified me. Anyway, I can look back now, particularly at the last 4 years, and see so much growth, even when I didn’t recognize it while I was in it. I did learn from that move, and when we decided to move again less than two years later, I was determined to make this fresh start different. I made great strides to break out of my isolation, went out to learn about my new community, started to make some connections with community leaders in an attempt to get involved in efforts that I am passionate about. Can you guess what derailed me? YUP. Drinking. I didn’t stop, and I was plagued by the same old imposter syndrome, insecurity and poisonous thoughts stemming directly from the poison I was ingesting. What a shame. But! I was still growing! I didn’t see it, I was starting to confront the denial I had lived in for so long, and my thoughts went more and more to “I can’t do this anymore.” And although I seem to do most things the hard way and it takes me several attempts to make change, I finally got there. The whole quote above resonated and comforted me, but that final line was like little lightening bolts in my brain: “for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” I truly feel this now. And I am pretty stoked!
And just for my own benefit, here are a couple photos of the four of us on our way across the SW, plains and Midwest USA. I believe we were near Albuquerque, NM. Those pups did such a great job on that drive! Heart pangs for my baby Chucho. 🥲
was having thoughts of quitting for the first time. The thought terrified me.
That is soooo strange when I think about it now. I had these thoughts and feelings for so many years, battling and discussing it over and over. Never finding a good time point when I could stop drinking. Marriages, birthday parties, holidays, summer, Christmas, Easter, Carneval. I was so scared to be threatened by not being allowed to drink anymore. How I got hold of that click is still the biggest miracle I can remember besides of course life in general.
There are so many instances where kind people have shown up in my life and I am so grateful. I hope I’ve been so for others. I do try to show kindness in my life.
True and the kind people are even in the majority if I acknowledge positivity. Goodnight, Rosa 
Yikes. Have had some big thoughts in the last couple days. I am going to write about it here as a journal entry rather than a check in because, guys, this is gonna be a long one.
I almost, intentionally, deliberately, bought alcohol yesterday with a plan to drink it in secret.
This is different from the recent event where I was in “zombie mode” while grocery shopping where I sort of reflexively bought the mini boxes of wine and hid them in my closet. That was an old habit and I just did it, maybe kind of like a “fuck it” but not exactly, hard to explain. When I got home I was like “what the fuck did I just do?” and I called my sober friend (who is my temporary sponsor now) and told her and she helped me to tell my husband and we poured it out. There was all sorts of beer in the house that I could have easily drunk (and beer I used to like even) that had not tempted me at all, so it was a different sort of behavior.
ANYWAY…so here’s what’s been going on. If you don’t know about what happened with my dog Chucho who passed away, you can read around here and find out pretty easily, but long story short is he died from congestive heart failure in a very traumatic way after a several months of caring for him. One of the first symptoms we noticed with a dry cough, that we didn’t really think too much about until he started passing out. That’s when he got diagnosed. Miss Lupe is my other dog, about 6 months younger at 9ish yo now. Starting sometime in December we noticed that when she plays with her stuffies she sometimes gets fuzz in her mouth and will gag/cough to get it out. Normal behavior. Then after Chucho died, she started doing it more frequently even when there was no stuffie involved, just vigorous playing. After awhile she would have to stop, start dry cough/gag almost like she was trying to cough something up or clear her throat. At some point it triggered the memory of Chucho’s cough and I go more and more concerned, thinking, “Oh my god, what if she has the same condition, wait no, that’s highly unlikely, she is super healthy otherwise,” just ruminating and doubting until it just kept on progressing. FINALLY, I decide to just take her in. My vet is really wonderful and understands what we’re dealing with in terms of some PTSD type feelings. She got X-rays and examined and her heart and lungs are fine. She may have a condition with her trachea collapsing, but that is not necessarily life threatening and we have a exploratory treatment plan in place for her. According to the vet she’s is super health otherwise.
SIGH. So, I get her home, I have to go run other errands including go to the drug store to pick up my medication and I am heading there already thinking about the beer and liquor aisle that I usually walk down to get to the pharmacy (why oh why is there alcohol in the same place as a pharmacy boggles the mind, but that’s another story). As soon as that thought is in my mind it builds and builds and I’m in that mode of self-talk, doubting my sobriety, romanticizing drinking, thinking about what I would choose if I was going to choose something, shitting on myself for even thinking about it, shaming myself instead of using healthy redirection like I’ve been practicing, I mean I was down the rabbit hole. I get there and I have decided I am going to get something. Something small, just a taste, and my husband won’t have to know and that will be that. I get there and walk by, linger, decide to go get my prescription first, then come back, stand there and am deciding what I want. Then, I remember what another member has said here about wanting to want to be sober. Questioning their desire to be sober after having slipped and had a few drinks. Wanting to have the will to be sober. It just sort of flipped a switch, made me start to get my head straight…saying to myself, “Do I really want to be sober? Why do I want to drink right now? It’s the damn stress of the dog and vet stuff. But one little can isn’t going to hurt, really. But do I really want to be sober?” I went through my pros and cons list in my head. I have been reading posts here lately with people in misery talking about why they joined and they are new in sobriety going through withdrawals, or other people who have had a relapse recently, and I think about my prior relapses. It always starts with just one. I then had this really strong sensation, not just an emotion, but visceral, from my gut to my chest, to my face getting hot. YES DAMNIT I WANT TO BE SOBER! What the hell am I doing here? I have worked so hard to get to 227 days after so many false starts. Why do I want to be sober? Because I don’t want to be miserable, sick, a liar, a shadow of a person, in bed all day hiding from life. I want to live. Not just exist. I want to live.
Okay my hands are shaking and it’s getting hard to type right now, but that’s my story. I don’t regret any of what happened. I realize I want this so bad I am willing to work my ass off for it and clearly I am not doing enough. This also came at the same time as I am getting prepared to start working the steps of AA, I have a sponsor, I had a meeting set with my therapist, I was already getting more serious with my recovery work and I am curious if that might have had something to do with this experience? I would love to hear y’alls thoughts on any or all of this. It takes a lot for me to tell this story so honestly but it is of vital importance that I do, I know that. I came so fucking close to a relapse, and it scared the shit out of me. However, I had some tools and I used them and they worked, even in a situation that near to the big mistake. That makes me pretty proud, I have to say. And I feel stronger for it, more dedicated, knowing that the next time something like this comes up I will have this experience to lean on and remember.
I brought this up with my therapist today. I thought about it all last night and got up early to jot some notes down before the meeting. The question in my mind had always been, “What do I want from therapy?” Suddenly it became abundantly clear that I want to understand why I drink (drank). That’s the main point with a ton of different subsets like, how is my past, including trauma history, contributing to my draw toward alcohol? Trust me, I have thought about this endlessly, but not with a professional. I think this is going to be so helpful for me. I realize part of this is I thought I could quit on my own. Yeah, I have TS and I have been building sober relationships and doing recovery work, but no, I really need to lean into this. Do the steps. Get more serious about therapy. Get my daily routine down. Take better care of myself. You know the drill.
If you go to the end of my novella, I appreciate you so much. It felt good to get this out. I want to hear all the things. Whatever you have to say about this will inevitably help me process this experience. I love being here, as much as it makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes (I’m working on that), I value the thoughts, opinions, and information from my fellow alcoholics/addicts/questioning abstinence folks/whatever.
Big big breath. Time to go put my clammy cold hands in some warm water and meditate for a while. Sending some post-wobbly but still sober love your way, amigos. 
P.S. I cranked this out, there will no doubt be typos. Sorry not sorry.
Life in sobriety does sometimes throw u these triggers, and that is when we really have to have a talk to ourself about what we want. This is when we do our greatest sobriety work. When all the other things we do, and the tools we prepare come into play. And u did it! I am proud of u! But also, yes, time to double down on the things that are keeping u sober. I don’t mean this as a platitude, but I really believe u got this.
Great great share Rosa. I’m happy you put that all out here. I wish I could give you some advice or an opinion. It sounds like you got some real urges and you kicked them to the ground. It also sounds like it was a close fight. But you ultimately won. And you are worried you might not be so lucky next time. And you learned something. Getting more support and help in your journey sounds like a great plan. I hope and pray you will continue to realize how bad you want sobriety and keep on working it. I wish I had more for ya. Keep working it because you’re so worth it. And we all need sober Rosa in our lives for the incredible support you give us along with your determination to stay in the game and fight for your sobriety.
That’s quoting you from August 2020.
You have lots of tools in your toolkit and you’ve
Reached for them and they’ve pulled you through.
You beat the addiction this time.
Thank goodness!
You want to be sober. You know that.
The bandaid, or perceived bandaids, bc it really is anything but, is really not acceptable to you.
You want to be sober.
You can’t have any alcohol. No will always be the answer.
What can you do?
If the pharmacy has a drive through, consider using it.
Stay close to all your groups, the therapist, your husband.
Think about coming here and posting when you get the idea to drink, to help you go down that aisle ( metaphor) alcohol free, and keep you away from the rabbit holes.
Practice your breathing up there in the top paragraph.
Say No.
Consider the Tara Brach Compassion “class” beginning on Monday.
It looks good for taking care of our selves. I want to take it. Search it in TS search bar.
@siand posted it two weeks or so ago.
Take care and know you won.
You are here and you are sober.
Keep your tool kit stocked up.
Screen shot stuff that will help and empower you and put in your kit.
You don’t have to have all the answers, you just have to not drink.
That is a great share Rosa. In my opinion you’re don’t what your need to do, doubling down on your sobriety and working it harder. Yes you had a very close call but guess what??? You handled it well. We will all have close calls at some point, that’s what we amass our tool collection for. Be proud of yourself.
This is the take away, for me. Not that I’m minimizing the scare it was for you, or your awareness now that you need to be more vigilant or double down on the efforts, but please - take this away. You did this.
Thank you for sharing this. Like @Dan531 when he opened the fridge at his daughter’s and stared all those drinks in the face and then dumped them out - these stories make us all stronger.
You’re doing more than existing. You’re living. Living pretty large into your sober life, I’d say. I’m proud of you too. 
You did it!! You walked away empty handed and I’m so f**king proud of you! The growth you’ve made is admirable and inspirational. Love you lady.
Rosa, I think you did exactly what you (we/all) need to do when temptation arises.
You almost got in your own way, but yet, in the moment, turned inward and used the tools you had. I’m happy to hear you are proud of yourself because you SHOULD BE.
This, and everything you wrote after it- I could have written myself. In fact, I did write this myself, more or less in my own journal. I also started therapy again this past Monday. It was our first session after a couple years. He asked me what I want out of therapy. I was like… uh… inner peace???
It’s a difficult question. But like yourself, there are deep traumas that have never been dealt with, and those are the most challenging things to speak about. And most likely the biggest cause of continuously abusing things as a means of escaping the memories that haunt us.
I obviously don’t know what your past looks like, but I completely understand your words. They are very much like my own.
My counselor’s homework for me was to find a “beginning.”
When did it start to go wrong?
What was the first terrifying/traumatic thing?
Looking back, there was something(s) that couldn’t be processed. Something that felt wrong or neglected or scary, and no one there to ask how it felt.
So what do we do? Find something that feels like anything than how we feel in that moment.
It amazes me the things that can creep up on us as adults. My counselor wants to do some EMDR on me, and I have an idea of what this entails, but am going to research it further before our next session.
Generally finding an internal “safe place” to share and open your past traumas.
I hope to keep hearing your thought process during this. Something in you is evolving and it really is a beautiful thing. Trust the process, you are doing just fine, my friend.
I’m here if you’d like to talk therapy things. And plants. And dogs.
Lol
Well, howdy Rosa! You know, the mind is a powerful, funny thing. I’ve seen something similar to this frequently enough in my time of being sober that I consider it an expected, or normal happening.
As people prepare themselves for doing step work, and more so when preparing to do a specific step, (in fact even just before a sobriety anniversary as well) they will reflexively withdraw back into addict thinking. What you demonstrated today is that thoughts are not facts (nor are feelings), and that we can develop the power to surf over the thoughts and give enough time for healthy reactions to take the place of sick, suffering, thinking.
Sometimes, I think sobriety is like the stock market - it trends upward in general over long periods of time, but is beset by sometimes violent shudders and shakes. But despite all the moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth, very rarely does the bottom truly fall out. You’ve had days when you felt great, secure in your recovery no matter what was going on. And days when it all seems too much and you lose your focus on gratitude and on the true value of sobriety.
I’m glad you talked yourself off this particular ledge and that you are taking concrete and positive steps to get better, instead of merely wishing it were so. You are one strong chica, and I admire you.
When reading this, it reminded me exactly of last June or so. I was in such a deep hole, I said, screw it, I will drink, I want to drink, Now. No excuse, now, no one will no, as I live alone. I got to the next gas station open on Sunday (well, we are in Germany) and am standing in front of all these bottles of wine, unable to grab one. Just literally unable to move my arm. I was fucking scared. I left, told no one, maybe here but I am not sure). This happened once again short after in another grocery store where I managed to grab a bottle and walked like a chicken through the aisles, thinking and thinking. I put it back somewhere. Now, it reminded me that sobriety is really something precious that I should never take for granted. When I now think of buying a bottle of wine FOR someone else there would be no fear, the mindset is completely different.
Thank you for sharing this, Rosa. 
I think its par for the course. My inner alcoholic loves to play the nobody will know card.
Myy inner alcoholic loves the destroy everything card too. That usually how my cravings go. one extreme to the other. No in between. Its either fuck everything and drink until everything burns down, or lets just have a beer one little innocent, harmless, delicious beer. Nobody will know.
Ususally when life is being difficult, old destructive alcoholic thinking likes to show up. That ones easier to see and redirect. Its the innocent alcoholic thinking that is more dangerous.
“one wont hurt”, “you had a great day, lets celebrate” Everyone drinks" “nobody will know”.
The funniest thing about the “nobody will know” card is that I really dont answer to anyone. except me. I will know! 
I share when I scare myself. It takes the power away. Im sure you relate. Good work!
Looking back on my previous long term sobriety, I would crave a drinks, and follow it with "that sounds great! Except I dont drink. I’ve been doing that again when it happens.
@Misokatsu @Alisa @Dazercat @Jennajen @Dan531 @M-be-free49 @Lisa07 @stop.the.ride @SinceIAwoke @JasonFisher
You all are amazing humans and I feel privileged to be in your company. I am so grateful for your willingness to respond with such kindness and generosity. I’m almost speechless (almost 
) and I’ll take time later today to respond to each of you because you’ve given me some serious gifts of insight and inquiry. Lots to consider and digest, so I need to mull things over and get back to each of you. It is going to be a really good exercise for me to take your words and spend some time journaling on your ideas. Wow. Just amazed. So much love in this community. Thank you. I feel bolstered in my recovery. I have to tell you, I slept so hard last night, it was like a weight was lifted and I could truly rest, and then I woke up to these gifts! I’m not being facetious at all. I’m a lucky Rosa to have you as sober pals.
If you or anyone else think of something else you want to say or suggest, please don’t hesitate to respond again, or shoot me a private message. Gracias amigos.
Amazing resilience Rosa. Keep up the amazing work, and you’ll be rewarded with a amazing life.
And @anon74766472 @SoberGuyUSA thank you friends.
Special thank you to my amiga @Salty. You are simply wonderful.
For met that’s it. Says it all. As long as we keep that in mind we will not fail. I think of drinking at times, and not even that seldom. And I know how incredibly easy it is to do it. The grocery and the off license are less than a 5 minutes walk away from my place. And there’s nobody there like @anon60334405’s dealer. And I have no one around that would stop me. Nobody’s going to stop me, but me myself.
It’s all bloody fragile. It’s all such a lot of work. Drinking would be so easy. Then again, I love the work I’m able to do now I’m sober. I love I’m beginning to see and feel real changes in myself. I couldn’t do the work if I was drinking. I am absolutely certain just one would be the end of me. So yes, just like you, I want to be sober! And actually realizing how fragile and easily lost it all could be, makes me extra alert. I’m so happy you came through Rosa. This is the only life we have I think so we better make the best of it. You are. Big hugs. X