My apologies to anyone that takes the time to read whatever my thumbs are about to do, it’s been a lot inside that I haven’t got out or don’t know how but reading posts on here has been reassuring in some sense and it has put me in the mood to maybe let someone other than me know my thoughts.
Im Kaleb, I’ve recently turned 24, and I am an alcoholic, I don’t know how I got here, well I’m sure I do but it’s hard for me to be real with myself or trust my own recollection my life up to this point. Regardless about a year ago right before my birthday I was at my worst, I was ordering a 750ml of vodka daily on DoorDash, if I had no chaser I would use water, I got so bad so fast. I went from not liking the taste of beer to needing vodka just to not throw up and shake in the morning within what I’d call about two years.
It (my drinking) took off when I started taking a shot before events that I knew would cause me anxiety, which as a shy nervous person was most things, and at first it helped, or my perception at the time was that it was helping, but I’m sure as most here already know it ended up making my anxiety 10x as my problem grew so did my disappointment in myself.
Skipping ahead quite a bit I’m going through withdrawal for the first time in my life in front of my whole family who had no idea how far my along my alcoholism had gotten, the look on my little brothers face when he saw me having tremors and hallucinations, I will never forget. But yea the first time I went through withdrawal, had to go to ER but told myself I’m done, that lasted about 4-5 months which is the longest I’ve made it so far, since then I’ve relapsed 3-4 times I can’t quite remember but the last time was quite bad again I had to go to ER. That was about a month ago so I’m a month strong, had a big fight with my gf recently and ordered drinks but didn’t take that first sip bc deep down I know where it leads, I feel a self destructive part of me that wants to go down that road regardless but I’ve been ignoring that for now.
I know this isnt healthy but I haven’t worked this last month, I’m not going out or doing much, my girlfriend is taking care of most financial burden and while I’m thankful I do feel like a piece of shit being at home playing pointless game on my computer to escape my reality. The job I worked though was a large trigger for me in the past, or am I just telling myself that because I’m lazy and don’t want to go back to work, both are probably true in fairness. But this stage of sobriety is tough for me, going through the physical part is obviously the worst but at least I’m just focused on getting my body to homeostasis I have like something to focus on. Now that the physical pain has subsided I’m just laying in bed all day, while that is an improvement from drinking I know there’s a lot more I could or should be doing, I’m proud I’m not drinking but that’s not enough, I gotta make improvements in other aspects of life too.
Therapy is something I know would really benefit me but having not worked a lot recently and not wanting to spend my savings just to talk to someone it’s daunting, I do have decent insurance but it’s my understanding that they don’t fully cover therapy (not to get political but yay America)
Anyways, not gonna re read that giant run on sentence that I spent the last 10 mins on but it does feel good to talk a little bit, even if it’s just doing this on the toilet lol
Genuinely wish everyone the best on their journeys, addiction is a bitch ass mf
welcome and well done on a month sober again. It sounds like it’s been a really rough road for you so far with addiction and you know how bad it can get.
do you have any hobbies? Video games are one of my hobbies too. I also love physical hobbies to keep my mind busy when I’m stressed about drinking. Running, gym, swimming. You kind of get addicted to it, in a good way.
read as much as you can, I read so many books about recovery and addiction in the early days. It helped me get sober many times. As well as checking in here as often as I could 