So this is a bit of a long discussion. TW: using: family issues: death.
So the beginning of this dilemma if you call it that is this.
Back in January (this year “23) I was still using, I really only my mom as support on my side of the family to others I was or am still just a no good junkie. My mom was in remission for stage 2 throat cancer January her and I had gotten into a fight. We weren’t speaking but I knew from the grapevine that she had went to the hospital before we fought she hurt her back and my husband and I took her to the local clinic. They misdiagnosed her by January she was still in pain so while we weren’t talking she went to the hospital and was told her cancer came back and not only had it come back but it was way more agressieve it had spread basically every where and progressed to stage 4. I was literally heart broken not only was it back but she let out argument not tell me her cancer was back.
I had went to her home and was taking care of her for about a month and a half and could tell then she was declining won’t share every thing but one morning we woke up and I could tell she wasn’t okay I called the emts and they took her to the hospital to later find out she had a blood clot in her right lung. My older sister and I had started arguing which caused more friction in the family and since my mom was Ill she couldn’t talk on the phone. While she was hospitalized I returned back home and was told she was coming home but she never did. She instead was placed in a nursing home. All while she was sick and me taking care of her I was still in my addiction. I knew this time she really needed me to be me back to normal so I can be there and be strong for her.
I made the choice to go to rehab. Another part of the story is my husband and I was In active addiction together and he went to rehab as well. Speed up to April and she’s still in the nursing home. I had went up to rehab end of march beginning of April. I had this feeling that something was going to happen this time I had went up. My mothers birthday was April 4th and my sister and aunt and uncle had went to see her at the nursing home. I’m in rehab but call to check and see how she’s doing. I had talked to my nephew and told him to give it to me straight was she going to survive. He said the doctors had given her 6 months to a year even though she had stage 4 cancer they told her it was treatable just not curable. She went to 1 seven hour chemo appointment and it made her feel worse when I was taking care
Of her I finally got her to shower and noticed her hair was coming out but didn’t have the heart to tell her she would play with the loose strands and kind of put 2 and 2 together that her hair was coming out and decided she didn’t want to do chemo anymore. Back to her birthday everyone said she was okay she was awake and active. I still had a horrible feeling I couldn’t shake 3 days later my counselor came to get me and told me I needed to call home and I knew then. She had passed away. I was still in detox but knew I had to come home. I was okay truly. Wasn’t sick wasn’t feeling like crap was able to get through her viewing and burial without using. I think having my kids by my side also kept me from using.
Skip forward a couple days I ended up getting a stomach bug and it honestly felt like withdrawal ended up going to the er and I was dehydrated. The next morning I woke up okay but the lingering feeling to just use once and I’d feel better and not use again.
Yeah that didn’t happen. I used, then used again and thought if I don’t do it 3 days in a row I wouldn’t be sick. I can just stop. Well family drama kicked in from my mom passing and I used what I always did to numb myself. I didn’t have my mom, husband still in rehab and no one to lean on but me. I currently am
Staying with my mother in law and she had caught the fact I started using again and I lied and told her it was just the one time and she thinks I’ve been clean since. My husband thinks I’m clean every day more then once I talk to him and he just wants to know I’m okay. He’s finally coming home June 1st and here I am still using. I want to stop, I’m afraid if I admit to still using I’ll lose the family I have left. My kids won’t want anything to do with me…. I’ll lose my husband already lost my mom but I don’t want this life anymore and don’t know what to do. I’ve thought about going again and detoxing lie to my mother in law and say I’m staying with a friend for a week but once she doesn’t hear from me she’ll either be afraid something happened to me or know that I’m back in rehab. I’m probably a month or so in and know if I just stop I’ll be withdrawing in front of her and she’ll know. She’ll know I lied to her face once again. And let everyone down. And that’s what I
Don’t want. I can deal with them being mad at me but knowing I let them down or disappointed them is going to hurt worse. I know what I have to do, and I want to do it but I’m scared getting back to normal means I lose everything I have now then I literally have no motivation to stay clean if that’s the case. I know my mom is looking down so disappointed in me again when all I wanted to do was make this last trip to rehab the last one so she can be proud and I fucked it up again. What do I do? Sorry it’s so long. Just needed to vent
Welcome Colleen to TS.
There is a lot going on in your life. I am sorry for your mom. This must be very hard.
As @Mephistopheles already said keep on using will only make things worse and by reading your thoughts and reflections it looks as if atm your addiction is taking over again. You know what is good, going back into rehab. Follow this voice instead of piling up more and more lies. Being honest at this point is the key.
My recovery process truly began when I got honest with myself and everyone in my life. There are 3 key words that have stuck with me since the beginning:
Honesty
Open mindedness
Willingness
Come clean with everyone and go back to detox. They will either accept it and move on or you can show them you mean business by putting the hard work in daily.
Welcome you the community
If it was me I would say I’m going into a week detox as I had used and want to sober for when my husband comes home. Be straight and just do what needs to be done.
You have been through alot
If you don’t do something to help yourself right now I’m afraid there is alot more to lose and things will happen quickly.
This way your husband comes home to a safe space, your be sober. I can’t really see it working as other way.
You really want this, so look at the bigger picture either way everyone will find out. Take the right course of action. You can do this
You’re not alone. Many of us have travelled your road one way or another. All addicts lie to the ones they love at some point or other. The thing I’ve found is that honesty sets them free. You could even just write her a message and leave.
I agree with what has been said before, you should check in and detox so that you can be there for your husband when he comes back to join you. The worst thing you could do for yourself, or for your family would be to be in active addiction again.
Good luck! I hope you find the strength to make a tough choice.
I know that doesn’t really make sense. I just fear once she finds out I lied yet again she and everyone else will finally be done and there’s nothing left of finally lose everything. But you are
Right and I do know what I need to do. I also know this isn’t the life I want anymore so I know I need to make the call to rehab again and work the program so this is the last time I’d have to call. Thank you for the comment/advice. @Mephistopheles
@anon74766472 Ty for the comment and the advice and I also agree with you to keep lying is just going to make matters worse and I do know what I have to do.
Also thank you for your kind words ab my mom
I appreciate it and Ty for the links.
@Lisa07 your right and part of me thinks she already does know and she’s just waiting for me to come clean so I know that I am going to have to and pray with me doing so I still have them left but either way it does go I know I have to go back to detox and start over. And I know I can do it but letting the fear of disappointing every one stop me.
@Twizzlers your right I do want him to be able to come home to a safe space and sober environment last thing I’d want to do is bring him down after all the hard work he’s put in the past month and a half. I’m very proud and just want him to be proud as well.
I know what I have to do just letting the fear of disappointing everyone stop me. And I can’t let it do that. Thank you for the comment
And time I appreciate it.
@james83 yes your absolutely right that is the worst thing. I don’t want to be in active addiction again, I don’t want to lie to them anymore
I let the fear of disappointing them stop me from making the call to go back and get help when I know that’s what I need to do.
I truly don’t want to live like this anymore.
Thank you for taking the time to comment I really appreciate it.
That was very well put Lisa however the one thing that Was missing from that list was acceptance.
Acceptance, honesty open mindedness and willingness. To truly concede into your intermost self that you are truly and the alcoholic and our powerless over this disease. That is truly the first step in recovery and it cannot be done without acceptance. Any lurking notion that I can drink like other people or presently may be has to be smashed completely… I couldn’t stay sober for other people. I couldn’t stay sober for the court’s. The only person that I could stay sober for was myself.
Fast forward 31 years in a wouldn’t have It any other way. Love and tolerance is our Code.
This program is all loving in all accepting and all Forgiving… It teaches us how to grow to be better do become useful once more to rediscover life to put a gleam in our eye in a Spring in. Our step to put fire back into our inner soul in retain that zeal for life once again.
There is freedom in sobriety love you all I will keep in my prayers.
Please keep the faith 1 day. At a time.
Big hugs it’s also about you.
Where you want to be for yourself and your family.
The initial dissapointment that will be felt by everyone if you leave to detox for a week won’t be there when you get back.
More likely support and also you will be sober with your husband and you both have great place to rebuild life together.
If it was me I would go asap. You still have a chance to have things In order for yourself. But also to receive the same support from family as your husband.
It is up to you to make that choice.
I like the idea of just leaving a note and going if it will get you there and take the worry of confrontation and watching the dissapointment. This way you can just concentrate on you for a week and when you come home I’m sure your family will be proud.
When we use we seem to think people around us don’t know but most of the time the only person we are fooling is ourselves. Also some support mentally for everything you have been through so you can work on that on your sober journey.
I really hope you make the best decision for yourself
I left acceptance out because it didn’t come right away for me. I was given “how it works” to read every time I walked into a meeting and the H.O.W. was spelled out at the top of the page. I think that’s why it stuck with me.
I understand and I am proud of your acomplishments in the felowship
Thank you for helping me understand. Keep the faith love you all and one day at a time.
