Hello everyone,
I’m Kevin. I’m 50 and I’ve been a member of TS since March 2017. My addiction is porn. My story is a long one.
I’ve been addicted all of my life. My dad divorced my mom when I was 1, and I used my addiction to cope. Although my exposure to porn was limited (first exposure was at age 6) during my childhood, I found enough PSUBs to get my fix. Porn, to me, is not just online XXX websites. It includes fantasy, masturbation with fantasy, visiting strip joints, using prostitutes, indecent liberties, and voyeurism.
In 1994, I started attending SAA, SA, and SLAA. I was 23. I worked the steps and had a sponsor. In fact, over the 12 years I attended, I had 5 sponsors, 3 therapists, and was going up to 5 meetings a week. I relapsed a lot. The relapsing led to the breakup of my first marriage. I fell away from the program for a bit until I got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in 2004. I dropped back in and experienced 2 years of pseudo sobriety. I call it that because I was only able to stay away from mainstream porn. But I was still using PSUBs, masturbating, and obsessing about porn. I was in a better place, and I was grateful and happy, but I still was not free.
I married my second wife in 2006. I dropped out of the 12 step groups, and quickly began to act out with internet porn. I kept my using hidden from my wife for a couple years before she discovered it. I attended a religious program called Reformers Unanimous for about a year. But I kept acting out having only short periods of sobriety. Meanwhile, I deceived my wife into thinking that I wasn’t struggling anymore.
In January 2015, I became involved in an online forum for Christian porn addicts, Blazing Grace. I experienced over 10 months sobriety before I acted out and I kept it secret from the forum for years. I’m still a member there.
When I joined TS in 2017, I was recovering from yet another one of my relapsing episodes. Throughout this long road, God has made me aware of some very destructive roots.
- My emotional, social, and love anorexia.
- My toxic shame manifested via Nice Guy Syndrome and the drive to get validation from others.
TS has opened my mind to a lot of different methods and solutions that I was not aware of. As a result, my recovery has taken a much different path than it was when I first started. I’m celebrating 70 days porn free today. And today, I am free. Today, I have no desire to use. Today, I choose and appreciate sobriety. I am not missing out. I’m finally realizing that porn does nothing for me. It only takes away.
Hey, Community, I’m NeverJust1. I am 13 months sober. I haven’t been on here much in recent months, but, for some reason, the holidays and new year compelled me back. Maybe 'cuz I was here a lot at this time last year, idk. Somehow I am in my mid-40s, still wondering where all the years went. 
I am a mom of 2 girls and happily domestically-partnered. Anyhoo…my story is fairly typical, I think. I started drinking to fit in, to “loosen up”, then it evolved to self-medicating my way through a miserable marriage. Despite the marriage ending and several rock bottom moments, I couldn’t quit. I was in denial and just kept thinking I could get it under control if a,b,c happened or I’d quit as soon as I got through x,y,z. So…idk, a little over a year ago, enough was seemingly enough, and I finally accepted that I am an alcoholic and I have no control over it. And that was surprisingly empowering. BUT…while I am sober now, I do not consider myself recovered by any means. I have not worked a program or really dug deep into the roots of my addiction. At this point, I am OK with that. I’m happy to be rid of the substance, no longer poisoning myself, no hangovers, no shame, no dread. But I don’t know if that will be enough forever. I’ve heard the term “dry drunk”, I’m not sure if that’s what I am or not. Maybe I should post about this concern, idk. 
Anyway…that’s my saga in a nutshell.
𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙙𝙖𝙮 
♬ ♬ ♩