I’m on day 3 without a drink. It’s surprisingly not as hard as I expected except for some insomnia but it sure beats a hangover. The worst part is the shame and guilt of my past actions; it’s consuming right now but too many times I’ve let those feelings keep me from feeling like I deserve recovery. I have never shared anything about my experience before to anyone expect people who were unfortunate enough to be with me through it, so doing this is weird and new for me. I’m debating an AA meeting and figured this could be a good precursor. I’m 37 and 2 days ago it hit me, almost out of nowhere that my alcohol use for over the past 14 years has been primarily self-destructive. I’d convinced myself it had been mostly good times with a few really bad times. Even though during those years I’d been hospitalized 4 times because of intoxication and related depression; I blamed “just” the depression and ignored the severe alcohol dependence diagnosis. Even though my healthcare work involves helping people access recovery. Even though I’ve hurt people I love. Then somehow, for some reason after an especially bad hangover it just hit me. How didn’t I see it. That whole time. I’m equally relieved and freaked out. I’m feeling confident but wary of that confidence. But I know support is important, so this is my first attempt at reaching out for that. I am terrible at asking for help. Thanks for reading.
I am so glad you are here! I share a lot in your story. I too didn’t stop drinking after a major depressive episode in 2013. Never got honest until March 2021. So many years wasted. The pain of continuing drinking finally trumped the fear of never drinking again. I never dreamed sobriety could give me such peace. I do AA and The Luckiest Club for online meetings. It’s so much more rewarding to be on this journey with others and also likely more successful. Welcome to TS!
Welcome to the commuinty
I can here, then 90 days later went to AA. Looking back, I wish I would have went to AA the day I downloaded the Ap. Go! You will thank yourself.
Thanks so much! You always hear how you’re not alone, but it really is nice to know how true it is.
Thanks for your wisdom. I don’t feel ready to put myself out there but maybe I never will, so I’ll try not to put it off
Welcome, Sara, I’m glad you found us. I can relate sooo much to your story, I also blamed my mental health (anxiety more than depression, but they both play a huge role) and avoided looking at how alcohol was one of the roots of my problems, that I was masking and numbing and avoiding dealing with everything through the alcohol use disorder that I was diagnosed with. I haven’t been hospitalized but I did go to the hospital in crisis once and that was one of my wake up calls. I also worked in a health care setting helping people connect to recovery services and peer support. Burned out feeling serious imposter feelings and hypocrisy even though I only realized what I was feeling and why I burned out after the fact and proceeded to continue to numb and avoid through alcohol use for years. It’s a bizarre situation to be in, twisting those stories I told myself and continuing to spiral downward, kind of like the frog in the pot that slowly boils…it feels okay until it doesn’t.
So happy to hear that you’ve had your own realization and made it past those first few super challenging days and that you’re seeing things clearly now. This is just the beginning with opportunities for so much more! Try all the things, AA, online meetings, in person meetings, quit lit (I loved Quit Like a Woman and This Naked Mind), recovery focused memoirs, podcasts, meditation, and stick around here! Read around, join in when it feels right, and you’ll build some connection and supportive relationships here. This community has been the single most important thing for my own journey.
I’m glad you’re here! Here are some great threads to start reading through:
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
Preach. Once I FINALLY blamed alcohol, suddenly all the other things weren’t as bad as i previously thought. And my addict brain even convinced me the alcohol was medicinal to the other things that ailed me. I needed it to feel better. The reality is alcohol makes it all tremendously worse.
Keep coming here, and if you’re tempted to try a meeting, just go. This forum is fabulous because it’s always at your fingertips, but nothing makes you feel less alone than a room of breathing people who say so many of the things deep in your own head you thought made you unworthy and unlovable. And nothing makes you feel more hopeful than sharing milestones and successes.
Welcome and congrats on your 3 days!! Hope you are doing well today!!
Thank you so much, it definitely sounds like we’ve been down similar paths! I appreciate the recommendations, I will look into them for sure
Thank you! It’s been a long day but I’m doing well
Glad to hear. And I forgot to mention before how much the term ‘lifting the veil’ resonates for me. 
I did go to an AA meeting this afternoon, the encouragement here helped very much with the decision so thank you all. It was a good experience and I’m glad I went. I stepped out of my comfort zone and think I needed to. That being said I’m not sure if AA meetings are going to be the best kind of support for me personally. I of course expected how everyone refers to themselves as an alcoholic, but actually saying and hearing it turned me off a little. It’s old school recovery talk, but it’s antiquated for good reason. Mainly though what wasn’t great for me is I’m very much an empath, and feeling the pain of each person’s experiences was a little too much as I try to navigate my own recovery. Still, it was cool to literally not be alone.
I’m at three days today too! Congrats and keep going! We are not alone 
I’m glad you went and got out of your comfort zone. It’s all worth trying - I had similar experience and thoughts on AA after giving it a go. For a while during the height of the pandemic I would call into a meeting in England, of all places, through a connection I made on this site and the camaraderie and their wholehearted welcome and inclusion was lovely. Ultimately not for me, either, but I’m glad I checked it out for myself despite my gut feeling it wouldn’t be a fit. I can relate to the empathic connection, as well. Keep on trying different tools and resources and you’ll find things that work for you.
Thanks and same to you!
Good for you stepping out of your comfort zone…that is so hard. I am glad you found some comfort among others. Everything doesn’t always fit our own journey, but good to give things a few tries to check it out.
If you like reading, This Naked Mind by Annie Grace was one of the first books that struck a cord with me.
So glad you got out and went. It’s important to know that you are never alone in sobriety. It’s a great comfort to me.